Just Breathe (Marina)

Chapter 80

Vivianas POV

we have been home for a few days now, moms have gone back to work but different shifts, until today

They both work in the morning and are making me go with them, but I'm not even getting out of bed

I lied to myself, I said I wouldn't do it again but I can seem to make it past 24 hours clean now

I try not to but I feel like there is so much inside of me and the only way to release that is to  cut

I'm ashamed of myself for doing it but I just can't stop,

Add it to the list of things I hate about myself

Mama came in earlier and woke me up and told me to get ready but I ignored her

Emma called last night and I ignored her too

It's not that I want to,

It's like I have absolutely no motivation to even keep a conversation

I want to end it with Emma, I want her to be able to be free

Without me constantly hurting her

We should have never gotten back together the first time, I should have let her go

I should have let her be happy, but I messed it up, just like I'm messing it up again

"Viviana! Mama told you to get up twenty minutes ago" mom scolds, coming into my room

"I'm not going" I say

"Yes. You are" she says and I cover my head up

"No and you can't make me" I say and she groans

"Please! I have a big day today I need to be at work" she says and I ignore that too

"Then go, I'm not stopping you. I'm stopping myself"

Mayas POV

"Get your daughter" I tell Carina and she frowns

"What is she doing?" She ask me

"She won't get out of bed! I can't miss work today Carina I have an inspection for 19 and a meeting" I sigh and she does the same

"And I have a surgery planned in two hours" she says

"We can just leave her here" she says and I shake my head

"No, I don't trust her enough" I say honestly

"Maya we left her in Italy" she tells me and I shrug

"That's different, she was with Gia, in public" I say and Carina sighs and I walk back to vivs room

"Get up now, or I swear you won't see your phone or Emma for a long time" I threaten and she just throws her phone at me, well towards the door

"Viviana!" I reprimand, picking up her phone and glad to see it didn't crack in the process

I walked back out to Carina and she leaned against the counter

"You took her phone?" She ask me

"No. She threw it at me" I say and her eyes widen

"Carina the last time she did this she was cutting, and that's all I can think about right now" I say honestly and she nods

"I understand Maya. I do. Of course I want to make sure she is safe. But we cant force her out of bed" she says and I sigh

"No.... But I'm not leaving her alone" I say and pull out my phone to call Vic who said she would be over as soon as possible

Yes I could have called Andy since I know they are off, but that would also involve Emma and we are not rewarding this behavior

"Vic is on her way: I'll finish my inspection and meeting and come home" I say and she nods and I go to wait outside but she stops me and pulls me into her arms

"Carina stop it" I say and she just tightens her grip

"I know you care. I know you are frustrated and upset. But she loves you. I love you. And I need you calm before you go to work. Even if there is no running into fires" she says and I sigh against her chest and I felt her kiss my head

"Thank you.... I love you"

Vivianas POV

Listen- I know I am acting like a child, I get it, but I'm just not in the mood to go with them today

If I'm being honest I want them to leave so I can cut. While I usually do it anyhow, they are awake and mom likes to just barge in whenever she pleases

For some reason it feels like I want to cry but I can't, I literally just can't

I can feel the tears in my eyes but they won't fall, and that alone, is killing me

I need the release

It wasn't my intention

To let it get this far, I want to stop, i just couldn't bring myself to do it

I need help, I know that,

But asking for help now is humiliating, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing

Just as I was about to fall asleep mom came into my room looking even more pissed than she was earlier

"Mama and I are leaving. Vic is here to watch you since you want to act like a child" she says and I nod

"Well I am a child so" I say, rolling my eyes and she walks out of my room

I heard the front door open and close and I quickly made it to my bathroom
I'm know Vic is here but she is not just going to barge into my room, I hope

I looked at my right thigh and there was no space left, I didn't want to go down too far so I could keep it hidden

I took a deep breath she let the blade glide over the already existing ones. The line instantly turned red and I felt release

It's kind of like a shock? Chills filled my body and I did it again,

I never understood why this makes me feel better

I stopped there. I told you. I don't want to do this, just enough to get some gratification

I quickly cleaned up and went out to the living room where Vic was sat drinking coffee

"Come sit" she smiles and I walk over to her and sit next to her and she puts her coffee down

"What's going on with you?" She ask

"Nothing," I say and she sighs

"I just don't think it's fair I can't stay home alone, I'm 17, I'll be 18 in less than a year" I say ask she nods

"I think they are just worried" she says and I scoff

"I cut my wrist while they were in the living room, if I want to hurt myself I can do it while they are here." I reason

"Have you told them that? I think they rationally know that but, it could help if you told them" she explains and I shake my head

"No way, mom will just think I am doing it again, which for the record I'm not, just making that clear" I say and she nods

"You need to get out of the house, go get ready" she tells me and I look at her confused

"I can't, I'm grounded" I say and she just smiles

"And do you see your moms here? Because I don't" she smiles and I do the same and quickly  get dressed

"Where are we going?" I ask her, I don't really spend much time with Vic,  when I was little I did but I guess as I got older we just stopped

"Sweet frog" she smiles and I do the same, I absolutely love sweet frog

"Then to my parents restaurant"

Till next time ❤️