Just Breathe (Marina)

Chapter 10

Vivianas POV

I had no school today thankfully and when I woke up mom was still with me; a little scary if you ask me

I didn't want to wake her but I had to pee, I carefully got out of bed but she has always been a light sleeper so of course she woke up

"Viv?" She ask

"I have to pee" I tell her and she nods and I go into the bathroom and once I finished and washed my hands I got back into bed with her

"I know that you don't want to, but. We need to talk" she says and I tense

"Please mommy not now" I plead, really not wanting to talk about what she wanted to

"Viv, I'm not upset with you. And I went about it the wrong way at the station" she says and I sigh, tears brimming my eyes

"I want you to know that no matter what you say I'm not judging you, mama is not judging you" she says again and I back away from her and hide my face in my pillows

"I know you don't want to talk about it but, I need you to be honest with Me" she says

"Are you self harming?" She ask softly

What do I do? I can't tell her, she'll just be worried all the time

But I need to tell her, I want her to know, I don't want to do this to myself anymore! Why can't I just stop? Why can't I just be normal

Without realizing it tears had started to make their way out of my eyes and into my pillow

Damn it! This is great! Just fucking great

"Vivi" she sighs and pulls me into her and I try to push her away

She doesn't deserve this. Why do I have to be so messed up

"Baby I'm not mad," she says

"I don't! I don't" I cry into my pillow

"Can you show me?" She ask and i shake my head against my pillow

"Mommy please stop" I cry and she doesn't say anything

"Okay... okay. I'm done" she says and I roll over and hide my face into her stomach as I cried and mama came into the room

I wish they would leave, if they left I could deal with this. I could cut and I wouldn't have to cry anymore

"Bambini? What's going on" mama ask and I felt her sit down

"Viviana.... I'm sorry for pushing so hard" mom says and I tighten my grip on her

Mama didn't say anything and I felt her put a hand on my back and start rubbing Which oddly seemed to calm me down

"Bambina you're going to make yourself sick" mama says and I try taking deep breaths which helped

Half an hour later I stopped crying but now I was exhausted and just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep but it wasn't even lunch time yet

I sat up in bed and looked at my moms who both had a concern look on their face

"I'm sorry for that" I say and scratch at my hand

"No I'm sorry," mom says and I sigh and  leans forward where my head was laying. On her chest and she kisses my head

Soon they left me in my room to figure out breakfast and I went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror

God I'm so stupid! So stupid for letting my emotions show. I knew better. I know better

I reached into my drawer and pulled out the silver scalpel, an 11 blade and held it against my wrist