confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

I thump my head as hard as I can upon my desk and cry out in frustration, Boc is quick to check if I've gone mad.
"Nessa stop it, you'll hurt yourself!" He begs, as I lean back in my chair.
I grip my arm rests tightly, feeling the velvet bunch up between my fingertips as I hang my head nervously.
"Nessa please look at me" Boc whimpers "please just tell me your okay."
I bite my tongue for a moment, chewing on all the words that I wish I could be saying.
"Boc," I mumble "can you get me a drink?"
Boc nods ecstatically and rushes off to fetch me a beverage.
I'm slightly dismayed when he returns and places a glass of water into my hands when really all I want is that bubbly happy feeling back.
But reluctantly, I sip the water and place the half empty cup onto my desk.
I stare down at it, all my work is finished for the rest of the week, I've got no paperwork to do.
There's no student disputes that I have to sort out and there's no staffing issues.
I have nothing at all that I need to do, I should be thankful as it means I've got time to focus on myself and Boc but it just makes me anxious.

"Nessa," Boc whispers after a long silent pause. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine." I mumble "positively splendid."
Boc seems unconvinced, he taps my shoulder and smiles subtly but just enough for me to see the kind creases forming at the corners of his eyes.
At that moment, my office door flys open and Albert rushes in, he wheezes for a few seconds before marching up to my desk.
Boc straightens his posture.
"Nessarose," Albert pants, still struggling to catch his breath "you left in such a hurry, I didn't get to say goodbye."
I nod my head slowly.
"Your mother is terribly worried" Albert says, sighing sadly.
"I don't care" I snap suddenly "I actually don't care."
"Nessarose" Albert splutters "she said some horrible things but she's still your mother!"
"Really?" I cry "the woman I've been told my entire life that I remind people of is my mother?"
"Nessa calm down," Boc whispers into my ear "Albert hasn't done anything wrong."
Calm down?
Calm down?
His words infuriate me, everyone's walking to me as if I'm incompetent.
I'm not some sort of fool and I won't be spoken to as such.
"Thank you for coming Albert." I grumble "but it's no use trying to get me to sympathise with her because I can't."
Albert nods.
"Take care of yourself Nessarose, for everyone's sake." Albert whispers sincerely as he exits my office.

I'm still quite annoyed at Boc for speaking to me as if I was a baby.
"It's nice that he came to check up on you."
"Brilliant." I grumble. "Boc do I seem stupid to you?"
Boc looks surprised, his mouth hangs open stupidly.
"Nessa why would you?"
"Do I seem stupid?" I ask again, harsher this time.
"No, not at all!" He cries "Nessa don't mind what your mother says, as you know she means well."
Ah yes, I know she means well but the words she says slice holes into me like a knife.
"How are you feeling Ness?" Boc asks, sounding awfully parental.
"If I'm honest." I reply "a tad unwell."
Boc smiles softly, the creases around his eyes reappearing.
"That will be the hangover," I chuckles subtly "it should pass."
I very much hope it does, it's making me ever so fatigued.

Boc wonders around the office before disappearing into the lounge for a while.
I grow tired of his absence and go to find him, upon entering the lounge, I see Boc sprawled out on the sofa, his eyes staring up at the ceiling.
I crane my neck in a feeble attempt to do the same.
"Tired, Boc?" I ask, he winces and nods his head.
"I'm hoping that I don't fall asleep and discover that this is all a dream"
"That what is all a dream?" I ponder.
"You Nessa, you sharing your feelings is like a dream come true."
I blush but try to hide it, hoping that Boc can't see.
I reach over to a shelf beside me and hold up a small metal box, inside of which there is an even smaller metal pin badge in the shape of a music note.
I go to hand it to Boc for him to stare at but in my efforts I drop it onto my centre table, I curse out of frustration.
"Ness let me..."
"No." I reply hastily "Leave it be."
I push myself slightly closer to the table and attempt to rewatch the little badge, it begins to occur to me how unimportant the item is but I'm already far too desperate to retrieve it.
Realising that I can't reach it, I push myself even closer, Boc let's out a sad sigh but I choose to ignore it.
I feel the cold metal brush against my fingertips but not for long, as I try to pull the pin towards my hand I apply much too much force upon the tiny thing and send it flying off of the other side of the table.
Boc stands up dramatically and I thump my wrists upon my chairs arms.
"Nessa..." Boc mumbles, I'm much too scared that he'll spew some pitying nonsense when I do not need it.
I don't need to be pitied because there's nothing to pity, I'm not the helpless child I was.
"Would you like me to get it Nessa?"Boc asks.
I explode with rage.
"No!" I cry loudly "Because this is exactly how everyone views me, as some frail, pathetic, little girl who can't do anything for herself. No one sees what I've achieved! I'm a headmistress if the most successful school I Oz and yet no one, no one cares unless I'm sat crying in my chair. I'm not here for everyone's charity work!" I bellow.

Angrily I push myself into my bedroom, muttering the spell to close the door behind me, I memorised it for when I need to be alone.
There's a knock at the door.
"Boc go away!" I sniff. "Let me be horrible on my own."
"Nessa, you don't need to shut me out,"
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with me" I sob, pushing myself over to my mirror and staring at my red face.
"If everyone wants a sob story to cry to, then look no further!"
"Nessa stop it, your not being fair to yourself." Boc pleads "you need to stop telling yourself this."
But I can't.
I can't stop.
It won't stop.