confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Elphie

Mother went back to Munchkin manor, followed by Boc.
Nessa isn't happy that it's just me, but mother was getting to upset and I knew sooner or later she was going to start rubbing off on Nessa.
I'm watching her now from across the room, she's sat in Bed, propped up by a mountain of pillows, reading some report papers.
It's the weekend so we have two days together until Boc comes back and does Nessas job.
She's sill not better but she's a bit more active.

"Nessa."
She looks over at me hesitantly, her eyes telling me to be quick or she will just go back to her work.
"It's it going okay?"
Nessa nods slowly,
"These reports are fantastic." She reply's glumly.
"Then what's the matter?" I ask carefully, Nessa looks back toward the papers, her face droops.
"All of this had started this term," she pauses briefly before continuing "I've not worked this term, it's all Boc."
Nessa sets the papers down on her bedside table, gently she moves her hair behind her ears.
Upon looking around the room, Nessa fixates her eyes on her wardrobe then looks back at me.
"Do you want to get dressed?" I ask calmly, Nessa shakes her head.
"I was just thinking." She mumbles,
I don't question what she was thinking about, instead I get up from my chair and go to stand by her bedside.

Nessas eyes meet mine, she looks incredibly worn out, like she could fall asleep at any moment.
"Anything you'd like to do today?" I hold my breath, I have a horrible instinct that Nessa is going to shout at me and I'm unsure of why that is.
"Not particularly," she mumbles, turning her head to look out of the window.
There's lots of trees back there, all different brilliant shades of green, if you look beyond them you can see the shiny metal school fence.
It's weird to think of the amount of times I've visited Shiz and I've not left the building.
"Is Glinda okay?" Nessa asks under her breath.
"She seems alright," I answer cheerfully "why do you ask?"
Nessa sighs heavily and turns her head back to me.
"Just curious."

I flicker my eyes back and forth between my sister and her chair, pondering whether suggesting to put in her it is a good idea or not.
I decide to go ahead with asking.
"Nessa, do you want to get out of bed?" I ask slowly, Nessa turns her head from looking out in front of her, she sighs and puts a hand on top on her blanket and slowly throws it off of her legs.
"When I was a child." Nessa says exasperatedly "I always thought that one day I'd do that and I'd get up and just walk away from my bed and never get into it again."
Nessa gestures reluctantly towards her chair, I carefully pick her up and place her down into it.
She sits quietly, I can tell that she's thinking deeply about something.

"Something on your mind?" I ponder, Nessa seems to force her thoughts away, she turns herself to face away from me.
"I can't have children."
For once I'm quite glad she's facing away from me because the surprise on my face could be seen as insulting, but this is the first time she's ever mentioned this, I really wasting expecting this.
"Do you want children?"
"No." She replies forcefully "but that's not the point, Maybe if I could I'd want them."
I'm still confused, she's never expressed any feelings or even the slightest bit of interest in children before.
"Nessa where is this coming from?" I ask frantically, she spins herself around to face me, tears are streaming down her face.
"You!" She cries "you have this perfect family and I have nothing."
If I didn't feel awful for her, I'd be offended.
"You have a family, you have me and mother and Albert..." I start to list the many people Nessa had but she cuts me off.
"Alberts your dad, I've not had a mother my whole life and your all I have, I don't know anyone who's my friend and not yours." Nessa splutters, I can see that she's getting frustrated, she never knows what to do when she's overwhelmed since she can't storm out like I know she wants to.

"Elphaba, I can't open a door by myself." Nessa says bluntly.
I nod my head slowly.
"Yes, but you can do lots of things," I reply encouragingly.
Nessa sneezes suddenly and slumps in her chair.
"No one cares about what I can do, everyone's too busy focusing on what I can't."
She's right, it's all I focus on too.
"It just feels belittling, I'm not ashamed of myself but the way some people act, makes me feel as though I should be."
I sigh deeply, Nessa does the same in a far more melancholy tone.
"Nessa." I mumble, words loosing themselves in my mouth, I chew on them for a while, deciding it would be better if I allowed a moment of silence to pass.

Nessa looks about herself, she makes uncomfortable eye contact with me multiple times, before choosing to face the door.
She stares straight ahead, her eyes following the grooves of the door, she seems to relax ever so slightly.
"Nessa, you have to stop being so hard on yourself, it's okay to not be perfect all the time."
Nessa throws her head back.
"Easy for you to say, everyone in our  group, looks up to you." She sounds exasperated "the outside world is cruel to you Elphaba and I understand that but I feel so left out sometimes and I don't want to deal with these thoughts alone anymore."
Nessa breaths heavily for a few seconds, I can hear the desperation rattling inside her head.
I don't say anything, knowing that there's a slight chance that I may interrupt her thought pattern.
"I just don't want to feel like an issue."