confusifying | wicked | book 3/3

Nessa

I've seen so much.
I saw myself cry, scream, laugh, cry again.
I've had enough, I can't take this.
I saw just after my birth, the midwife picking me up and pronouncing me misshapen, I could have gone my entire life without hearing those words.
Frex is persistent that I view every door and now we are approaching the last one.
It gold plaque is bare, no words are etched into its shiny surface.
"The last door my darling" my Father says sweetly.

It opens by itself, this time father is hesitant to take in me straight away.
I believe I know why, I can already see what's inside the room.
A large double bed fills the room, my father is lying upon it weakly, beside the bed is me.
I look the same as I do now, it's almost like looking in a mirror.
I know what this is, it's my Fathers death.
"Stop!" I cry at last "I don't want to see this, I won't relive your passing."
Father hurriedly let's go of my chair and dashed over to the door, he slams it shut.
"Why, why would you show me this?" I splutter, large tears roll down my cheeks.

Frex turns around to face me, he knees down in front of my chair.
"That's my favourite one" he mumbles sorrowfully "out of all the memories, that one is my favourite"
I stare at him, stunned, unsure of why one of the worst days of my life is his favourite memory.
"I don't understand" my voice trembles, I don't think I'm scared but I can't tell anymore.
"Because it's of you telling me you love me and you look just like how you do now." Frex says tearfully "I won't make you view it if you don't want to."
I nod, he nods, we both silently agree that I don't want to see him.
"Father, I think I'm ready to wake up, I don't feel very well." I whisper.
"Very well." Frex reply's.
Frex snaps his fingers and all of a sudden we are back at the begging of the hallway.
The door at the end opens slowly.
"If you go through there you will wake up," Frex says shakily "but please don't go yet, I want to say goodbye properly this time"

"Goodbye?" I question "is this it?"
Frex nods sadly.
"I have nothing more to show, but I'm thankful that you stayed with me Nessarose." He smiles and strokes the back of his head "ghosts don't watch over people, they have to be brought back. When your sister summoned me, I had the strength to stay for a short while, now I've done what I needed to do, I have closure. I've had another chance at being with my daughter."
I understand, or at least I think I do.
"Thank you for trying to give me the world," I respond solemnly "I'm glad you've found closure."
Father watches as I turn myself away from him, facing the open door.
"Goodbye Nessarose."

His words echo in my ears as I push myself through into the darkness.
I cannot see a thing, it's as if my eyes are closed, I bring my hands up to my face.
They are closed.
I open them suddenly to find that I'm back at Shiz.
Elphaba, Boc and Fiyero are anxiously staring down at me.
"Can someone get me off of this sofa?" I say nonchalantly, trying not to encourage questions.
Elphaba nods and lifts me up and gently places me down onto my chair.
"Did you sleep well?" Boc asks hesitantly.
"Fine, I feel rather refreshed." I lie.
Elphaba has a strange looks on her face, I think she can tell I'm lying, I think she knows I'm lying.
Boc taps me on the shoulder, I turn my head fiercely, I'm so on edge.
"Fiyero and I are going to go out into the town centre, do you want anything?"
I think for a minute, Elphaba taps my hand, it's resting firmly on my arm rest.
"Can people stop tapping me!" I bark suddenly, I see the shocked faces of those in the room and I slowly try to calm myself down "please can you buy me some tights?"
Boc looks uneasily at Fiyero.
"Any colour?" Fiyero asks kindly,
Elphaba looks at my blank face.
"Black or white, both would look nice." She says trying to restore the room.
I stare down at my tights, they're a deep blue, so is my dress.
This is a favourite dress of mine, it's long sleeved, as are most of my dresses, but the neckline misses my shoulders.

Boc nods at Elphaba, He and Fiyero leave the room and I hear the door to my office close.
Elphaba stares at me.
"You have so many tights." Elphaba remarks "why do you want more?"
"Stop it Elphaba, what do you want to say? Just say it."
Elphaba raises her eyebrows.
"You start." She says casually.
It's annoying me because she's being spiteful now, not that I wasn't being spiteful either.
"Start with what?"
"I somehow got into your dream." Elphaba blurts.
I gasp loudly, tears stream down my face.
"No, no, no" I sob "what did you see?"
Elphaba grabs hold of my hands as I go to put them up to my face.
"Nothing, Frexpar stopped me before I went into a room."
I take a deep breath but continue to sob like an infant.
"That's why he left me in the room on my own, he went out to talk to you!"
Elphaba nods slowly.
"I didn't see anything, it's alright Nessa." Elphaba reassures me, I'm not convinced.
"I didn't want to look in the rooms, but I couldn't disappoint him, that's my father and I just..."
I feel sick, my head is spinning.
"I watched you argue with father about me, I saw so many humiliating things."
Elphaba leans forward and hugs me tightly.
"It's okay, we don't have to tell anyone."