Eventually, the years slipped away, with them meeting up every day. Sometimes A-Yuan joined, too, when he was old enough. Though he never remembered the dreams. But Wangji did. He held onto them like a crazed man to his sanity. Something to grasp onto when he hit rock bottom, when he lost a reason to carry on. But it wasn't easy, either. Hearing his voice at night, having him next to him, with him during the night. He savoured those stolen moments, no matter how small they were, because it meant they were together. It felt like chasing a life he'd lost out on when he was with him. Like real life ceased to exist, with nothing except him and Wei Ying. And A-Yuan, of course. And he wouldn't trade it for the world, either. (Unless he could argue with the gods or the author to drag his brother along, too. )
But at the same time, it was torturous waking up next to an empty pillow. Hated the way his fingers stretched towards the left, palm wide as if waiting for a hand. One that would never come, not in the real world. But that didn't mean he didn't give up trying. Every forbidden book in the pavilion, every spell...he ran through them just the same, gilt eyes running through them feverishly, seeking an answer that would never be found.
Or would it?
"Wei Ying, do you think you'll ever be able to come back?"
A question that had been asked over and over again, with no true answer. Wei Ying smiled wistfully, eyes drifting towards the Jade. I'm not sure, he mouthed. I'd love it if that were possible, but it's been so long. The deities still won't let me go back, though. I was supposed to reincarnate a long time ago.
What he didn't tell Wangji, of course, was the fact that as long as he still had ties to the mortal world, the deities would never let him pass. Wangji would raise heaven and move hell for him, and they knew it. They took no risks in that.
(Unless they wanted a ruined pavilion, like the last time they'd angered Wangji. Madam Lan stirred up a hornet's nest for her son. Not that Wei Wuxian would ever tell Wangji, but he secretly admired Madam Lan for her courage, her audacity. Like her son, she brooked no arguments, with a steady and level-headed mind. Sometimes Wei Ying wondered where Master Lan was, but he knew better than to ask questions. The broken look in her uncanny lilac eyes spoke volumes of their own.
And would you believe that the deities tried preventing Wei Wuxian from seeing his parents? They tried to see him constantly, but we're just as frequently bombarded by the prestigious Board of Deities. Board of Dickheads was what Madam Lan called them, not that they'd ever hear her. Thank god for that. They still tried to prevent Wei Ying from meeting his sister but the normally calm and serene Jiang Yanli would have snapped the necks of anyone who tried to do so, with Jin Zixuan's support. (Note from the author: I have nothing against deities, and have no will to insult them- the deities in this story are imaginary...they do not exist and are not aimed against religion- I have no problem with religion.)
Oh, and Wei Wuxian was starting to find his brother-in-law's company more and more welcoming. (Not that he'd have ever told him that to his face-) He was learning from Yanli, and was warmer, somehow.
Lan Zhan glanced away, before finally responding. "We'll find a way. There'll always be a way, somehow."
At that, Wei Wuxian could only turn up the corners of his lips. It'd been thirteen years, after all. And there was a way, but it was darker than he liked, than either of them liked. To sacrifice oneself to bring back another spirit...had been rare but not unheard of. The words danced on his lips, but he couldn't get them past his throat. Don't do it, he thought. Don't.
But at the back of his mind, another question lay in the dark, unspoken and unheard. Just how far would he go for you? The question unsettled him in ways he couldn't quite explain. There was no way to put into words how he felt, and how far he would go but the darker, deeper question he could think of was: How far would I go for him?
How's A-Yuan? Wei Ying fiddled with the corner of his robe, half wishing he had Chenqing back so he could play with the tassels. Anything to keep my mind off that topic.
"Same as usual. He misses you terribly, though. He's doing great with his lessons, and he's started learning the guqin." Hearing that, Wei Wuxian smiled, though not without a hint of pain. It had been a while since he'd visited A-Yuan, and the guilt was eating him up.
No matter what Wangji said, he couldn't help but feel like he abandoned him somehow.
"You didn't have a choice," Lan Zhan whispered softly, his voice like lilting music to Wei Ying's ears. For a moment Wei Wuxian imagined it running through his mind, soothing it. Imagined fingers running through his hair, pulling him close. Stop it, he told himself. Stop thinking like this. It only made it worse, the growing uncertainty of what was between them. Soulmates, he'd said once. But over the years, he found himself growing more and more unsure, and more and more worried. What if Lan Zhan didn't feel the same way? What if he fell in love with someone else? The questions came in troves, but one thing was always the same. He loved Wangji, that much he knew. But sometimes the wanting hurts like hell. Not because of anything, but because he thought he was falling in love with the idea of something that would never happen. He knew he loved Lan Zhan, there was no question about it. The question was what would he do about it?
"You did what you could to save him. Don't blame yourself, Wei Ying. He doesn't hold it against you, either. He knows you didn't have a choice. You did what you could." Wangji felt like a broken recorder, but he couldn't help himself.
Not Wei Ying's fault. It hurt to see him feel so bad about things that were beyond his control, and that were not under his jurisdiction. He did his best. And however hard it was to hear, your best wasn't always enough to save a situation. But your best was your best, and that meant something. Means you've done enough and tried to do whatever you could.
But that's just it. If I didn't go chasing after ideals, didn't go around bothering with what people said...would this have ever happened? Wei Wuxian felt his fingers freeze just thinking about it, guilt crossing his eyes. Tonight, the moon was a grey sliver, its glow haunting his eyes.
"We both know that the Elders would have never let you live peacefully. And as for what people say...as long as we have each other and A-Yuan, who cares what people say?" Gilt eyes met with silver, burning with passion. If only I could touch you, Wangji thought. He wanted to thread his fingers through his and pull him close, let his fingers roam around him if only he'd let him.
If only they could.
"There are so many people on this Earth, if we care about what each and everybody thinks about us, we'd have wasted countless lifetimes caring."
A wistful smile crossed Wei Wuxian's features, the red of his ribbon casting a gash-like shadow on his face. I suppose you're right. There isn't much I can do now, anyway. He kicked his legs up, swinging them, the way he'd done so many years ago in Lotus Pier. It was times like this that made Wangji wish he'd taken up Wei Ying's offer to go with Jim to Lotus Pier, at least once.
How are you doing, anyway? With that, they slipped back into familiar conversation and banter, the moon casting a warm glow over both of them, encasing them in shadow and light. Though the idea weighed on Wei Ying, dragging him down.
But just before they were about to go, Wei Ying whispered, There is a way. But it's darker than both of us know. But if I ever disappear, just know one thing: it's likely someone's done the spell. The deities won't let me go so soon.
Wangji simply nodded.
And one more thing. I love you, Lan Wangji. Not waiting for an answer, phantom lips brushed against his, curling into a small wistful smile, before vanishing.
Leaving Wangji alone again.
I love you.
So when Wei Ying stopped appearing, Wangji knew. But in those few days, he was terrified. Though if he was being honest, the word 'terrified' didn't quite cut it, couldn't quite describe the fear that grappled him, however irrational it was to anyone else. He couldn't bear losing him, not again. So the idea of it ravaged him, even as he tried to convince himself otherwise. But things were different now, he'd reason. He had A-Yuan with him. He had the Juniors. And that one promise. Someone's done the ritual. It hadn't taken him long to find out which ritual Wei Ying had been talking about. Despite the Deities' immense power, they couldn't quite interfere with the free will of the living. To summon the dead. To invite one into your own body as a last resort, and make it do your bidding for you. But as much as he wanted Wei Ying back, there was no way he'd ever do this himself, or coerce someone into it. There was a reason Wei Ying had only told him about it then, and everything came at a price. Still, he clung to the hope that his soulmate was alive somewhere, albeit in another's body. Days waiting became a week, a week became a fortnight, until finally...
"Hanguang-Jun! " Jingyi's voice cut through the cave, snapping him out of his reverie. What in the...What happened? "Hanguang-Jun, we need your help!" Immediately, Wangji ran towards the cave, his hand hovering above the hilt of his sword. Upon entering the cave, he chanced upon the horror of a 'statue' before him. At first, the Juniors thought they were dealing with a simple monster...But this was on another level. It was unlike anything he'd ever seen before- her hair fell like snakey tendrils across her head, her stony eyes grey and unseeing, but there was something about them that seemed knowing, sending chills up his spine. The twisted smirk on her face was a stark contrast to the elegance of her robes, her limbs twisting unnaturally. Crap, crap, crap. This was supposed to be a simple spirit- how did I not notice? The sword was unlikely to do anything- not at the rate she was devouring Qi. The people surrounding him were dropping in droves. But before he could take any action, a familiar, haunting tune cut through the air, causing him to freeze temporarily.
That tune...It can't be, can it? The figure looming over him smirked, but it seemed shaken anyways, giving out a broken snarl. It looked like a cub that had just woken up, but Wangji knew better.
Slowly, he turned towards the source of the song. An oddly familiar silhouette stood before him, a young man dressed in crimson and grey. Was it- "Lan Zhan, help me!" Silver eyes latched onto his gaze, and in that moment, he knew exactly who he was. Flipping finally. But they had other things to take care of.
"Make way!" Closing his eyes, he focused on the seven strings of his guqin, summoning Wangji. Nis finger glided over the strings, plucking them effortlessly, joining Wei Wuxian's flute in perfect symphony. The music held the statue at bay and destroyed it. Rock shifted away. Crumbling piece by piece into dist, the golden orbs of Qi returned to the comatose bodies on the ground. For some, it might be fine, but for others, it was far too late. Still, it was the best he could do. If only I'd been faster, he thought, guilt lining his stomach, on top of the adrenaline running through his veins. As the figure crumbled into nothing but shards and dust, he sent a fire talisman at it, watching the remains go up into flames before crumbling into nothing but ash that folded itself into nothing.
Cries of relief and cheers ran through the crowd, the noise echoing off the walls, but all Lan Zhan could think of was Wei Ying. He's back. He's finally back. Quickly, a figure darted towards him, embracing him. Warm arms surrounded him, smelling of apples, with a faint trace of lotus. Instinctively, he knew who it was. "Wei Ying," his arms wrapped around the slim silhouette. "I missed you." Broken chuckles reverberated through his chest, though he made no move to pull away.
"Silly Lan Zhan," Wei Ying grinned, wiping away a tear, "I wasn't gone for that long."
"Your eyes say otherwise."
Wei Wuxian simply laughed, relieved to have him back. His laughter felt like music to Wangji's ears, lilting and beautiful. "Learnt to tease, have we?"
Wangji was impassive, even though he was internally melting.
"I learnt from the best."
But the other simply shook his head, burying his head further into Wangji's broad chest. It felt almost surreal, somehow. Having him back. Being able to touch him, without having to worry about him disappearing in front of his eyes. Tears started streaming down Lan Zhan's face before he could stop them, the hopes and wishes he'd held for more than a decade coming to a standstill at his throat. Sensing his fear, Wei Ying threaded his fingers through his own, giving his hand a squeeze. "I'm here, Lan Zhan. I'm here. I won't be going away anytime soon."
Lan Zhan felt his heart go aflame. The desire, the longing, the waiting, the missing- it was too much for now, and he loved it. Wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It was heaven, holding Wei Wuxian again. (Wait until he remembers he can do it over and over again, and he won't disappear this time. Not again.)
Wangji refused to let go of Wei Wuxian the whole way down the mountain, ignoring the confounded stares of the Juniors, except for Lan Yuan, who seemed somewhat suspicious, confused as to why Hanguang-Jun was holding hands with Mo Xuanyu. Though the part that scared them the most, probably, was the wide, tearful smile plastered across his face, the way he held the man in his arms so gently, as if he was scared of losing him. But once they settled down at the inn, the questions started...
As quickly as he could, Lan Zhan pulled Wei Ying towards his chest. Laughing, Wei Wuxian lay on his chest, enjoying the view. Wangji felt the back of his ears heat up, but he couldn't stop smiling. He could feel Wei Ying's heartbeat for the first time in a long, long time. He's alive, he thought. He's here with me.
"How did you recognise me?" Wei Ying asked, toying with Wangji's fingers. Had he been anyone else, he was certain there would be hands on the floor. But Wangji seemed to like it, humming softly. Distantly, Wuxian recognised it as the one they'd played earlier.
"The song. I knew it once I heard the song."
Wei Wuxian's eyebrows furrowed. "Why?"
Wangji opened his eyes, staring at the soulmate in his arms. "Because only one soul other than me had ever heard it before."
"I thought you played it for me when we were in Xuanwu Cave-" The realisation dawned on him slowly.
"That song...It was written for us, wasn't it?"
A nod.
"That explains why the chords and parts seem to fit us perfectly. But why?"
Lan Zhan looked at him as if the answer couldn't be any plainer. "I love you, Wei Ying. I always have. I didn't dare to say it then, but the song was my way of confessing. I always planned to confess with it, but-"
But Wei Ying had known enough. Upon hearing those words, he flipped over, knees landing on either side of Wangji's hips. He leaned forward, moving down to kiss him. Unsurprisingly, Lan Zhan tasted like ash and mint, but Wei Ying quickly found himself obsessed with the taste, his willpower crashing. If only we could do this forever...But eventually, the two of them ran out of breath, and reluctantly pulled away.
After they both regained their breaths, Wei Ying spoke again, "I love you too, Lan Zhan."
This time, Wangji dove down for another kiss.
—------------
Fingers trailed teasingly down Wei Wuxian's spine, the familiar scent of sandalwood infiltrating his senses. Smiling, Wei Ying leaned back onto his husband's chest, staring up at the night sky. "What are you thinking about?"
"You know, at some point, I was so scared you'd only want me as a friend in our meetings."
At that, the fingers paused. Wei Ying felt a cheek rest on his shoulder. "How could we ever just be friends? I'm wounded, Wei Ying." Lan Zhan pouted.
Grinning fondly, Wei Wuxian petted his husband's head. "Don't be like that, Lan Zhan. You did ask first. I'll give you anything you want, okay? I was just worried you'd think I was awful or hopeless and fall in love with someone else."
Strong arms wrapped around his waist. "Not happening. I'd rather die than let you go. And don't you remember?" The brevity of the words sent butterflies through Wei Wuxian's stomach, every brush of the skin oddly electrifying as if he were a teen back in Cloud Recesses again.
" I would never fall in love again until I found you. That very first night in dreamscape- I said: 'I would never fall unless it's you I fall into. I was lost within the darkness but then I found my soulmate-' "
"I found you."
"I remember," Wei Ying breathed out. "And you have me, in whatever way that matters."
Lan Zhan smiled against his neck. "Then that's all I need. All I want is you."
Hearing that, Wei Ying finally lost his self-control, turning around to kiss his husband. Over the years, he'd grown taller, but still needed to tiptoe slightly to meet his lips, much to his own chagrin and his husband's amusement-
"I love you."
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A/N: 3103 words! This AU is finally complete! The lyrics are woven into the AU, by the way- Mostly in dialogue- Happy Christmas/Christmas Eve to you guys, wherever you are! Here's my Christmas gift to you guys...hopefully you enjoyed this! Thank you so much for reading- oh, and- I finally wrote more fluff! dadavenport. chocolatewithtea. ManuAndhale. NebulusCharlie. PrivateCitizen. borrego431. Paint-me-Black. This one's for you guys! ❤️ Sending lots of hugs!