Found (BxB)

CHAPTER 7

I woke up and the first thing I noticed was that my room smelt terribly. My eyes flickered open and I saw the mess on my floor that I hadn't cleaned up yesterday. I hadn't showered, or brushed my teeth, or taken the glass and cotton off of the floor, or even cleaned my vomit. I just collapsed on my bed and stared at the ceiling until I slept; don't know which time it was. The only thing I did was put my list of things I should never do back in the closet.

My mental tiredness had spread to my body and I couldn't find the strength I needed to clean everything. I stared at my floor without moving an inch of my body until I heard my alarm ringing.

I turned it off and kept laid on my bed. I didn't feel better like I thought I would. I thought that sleeping would make me feel less tired and would give me the so needed space to pretend. But there was no space there. I was still exhausted. I was still numb. A silent tear rolled down my cheek and I closed my eyes again, deciding I wouldn't move from my bed today.

Before sleeping, I was thinking that I was tired of pretending. That I wouldn't hide my depression anymore. It was hard thinking I would stop playing the role I played the last eight years, but it was even harder thinking about continue on pretending. I think I reached my edge.

I hadn't even realized I had slept again until I heard my door open. I didn't turn around to see who had walked in. I couldn't even care if one of my parents or sisters were about to meet with the mess I had made: a reflection of the mess inside my mind. I was too tired to care about anything at all.

I felt the weight of someone sitting beside me on my bed and I noticed it was Jonathan who had walked in. If it was anyone else, there would be a shocking 'What happened?' coming out of someone's mouth.

"Are you going to school today?"

I shook my head, making it move just an inch to the left and the right, but he caught it.

"Okay... Do you want me to stay here with you?"

I shook my head again. I wanted to be alone. The feeling was that I wanted to be left alone for the rest of my life, not wanting to talk or even see anyone forever.

"Okay... I'll tell mom you have a headache and won't go, okay?"

I didn't move my head or said anything.

"Are you tired?"

I nodded slowly.

"Then go sleep. I'll clean this up for you"

Jonathan must be really worried about me for volunteering himself to clean my vomit. I didn't have the strength to tell him he didn't need to, so I just closed my eyes again and let myself be immersed by the darkness that was my mind.

"Tell Kaden I'm sorry" I muttered.

I'm sorry for holding hands with him. I'm sorry for acting weird with him afterwards. I'm sorry for skipping class and not helping him with physics like I said I would. I'm sorry for what I was about to do: avoid him.

"About what?" Jonathan sounded confused.

"He'll know" I mumbled.

Deep down, I knew he would know. It seemed like he always understood me even if I didn't say anything at all. I felt like he knew the most secretive part of me and could read me like an open book even if we hadn't had a significant conversation. Existed something like an unspoken understanding between us that I didn't know how we got.

"Why don't you just call him and say for yourself?"

I couldn't call him. I didn't know if I was going to be able to see him or hear his voice again. I was more upset than I thought I would be by pushing him away. His presence made me happier and more comfortable with myself and I really wished our friendship had worked. I wished I didn't feel those things about him, but I did. It was clear to me I would kiss him yesterday if we hadn't been interrupted. I wanted to kiss him. I liked him. But I couldn't. Unfortunately, I couldn't. I wished I could like him without feeling wrong and guilty. I wished I could hold hands with him. I wished I could kiss him. I wished I could hold him. But I couldn't.