Found (BxB)

CHAPTER 19

It had been almost two weeks since I was feeling completely shit.

I had slept in Will's house that night. He made me take a cold shower, gave me lots of water and candy, and then made me sleep. When I woke up, though, after giving me meds for my head that seemed like was about to explode, he bombarded me with questions about me and Kaden: Did you guys break up? Why were you crying? Why was he crying? Why did you get drunk? Did you freak out? Did he freak out? Did you guys kiss? What happened?

I refused to answer all of his questions. Instead, I texted Kaden saying I wanted to talk to him. He didn't answer me. I tried to contact him, by messages and phone calls, during all the weekend, but he ignored me all the times.

When we came to school, I tried to talk to him in person, but he ignored me completely. When he saw me in the halls, he passed past me like I wasn't even there, or he would change his route just so he wouldn't face me. He did everything in his power so he wouldn't talk to me.

After three days, I gave up. Not because I didn't want to talk to him anymore and explain everything, but because maybe Kaden was right.

I was a mess. I was oversensitive about matters of my sexuality. I wasn't stable enough to make him happy like he made me. If anyone made one bad comment, I would break down. I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself, to stand up for us. I was better than in the beginning of the year, but I still wasn't good enough for him. He deserved someone fearless, who would stand up for their rights, who would kiss him, hug him, and hold his hand without freaking out or needing Kaden to be their therapist.

Kaden deserved to be happy, because he was the most amazing person I've ever met. And I couldn't make him happy. So, after the weekend and three days of school, I stopped trying to contact him. And I felt like I was being dragged back to the darkness I had been in since eight years ago.

It's funny how I was able to live without Kaden for so many years, but now I felt like something was missing in my life. It felt like I've lost someone who had been there the entire time. At least someone who was supposed to be there the entire time. I think that's the thing when we meet someone who changes our lives. They come in, change everything, and we can't see our lives without them, because they were there while it changed.

I don't say Kaden changed my life because he made me feel better about myself. Yes, he had a big role in my acceptance and everything related to my sexuality. But the most important part of him inside my life was the fact that I was in love with him. He made me feel happy, free, in love, and no one had ever made me feel that way.

I loved looking at his violet eyes. I loved hearing him sing. I loved when he smirked every time I blushed. I loved how he teased me all the time and I pretended to hate it. I loved our silent communication. I loved how we always understood each other without saying a word. I loved the way he looked at me, like I was precious. I loved when we talked about nothing and everything at the same time. I loved when he held each other. I loved the way his lips fitted with mine. I loved every piece of him. I loved everything about Kaden.

So, when it hit me that I wouldn't have him, I felt broken. I had no idea I was so close of losing Kaden, but here I was. We had finally kissed, and the next day everything went downhill.

Jonathan noticed that something was wrong, like he always did. I had gotten better when I was hanging out with Kaden: I was able to talk to people, I smiled, I chuckled, and I even laughed sometimes. And now I was back to square one. I didn't talk, smile or laugh. Because there was nothing to be happy about.

Not only because of Kaden, but because of my mother too. I hadn't gotten over the fact that she would kick me out if she found out I was gay. I hadn't gotten over the fact that she would only love me if I was straight, and therefore, she didn't love me truthfully. And I wasn't feeling awful just because of losing Kaden and my mother. I was feeling completely shit because I was scared to be alone. Because what happened with Kaden showed me I would never be good enough for someone, and I would never have someone. Alone. My biggest fear was bound to come true.