Found (BxB)

CHAPTER 1

When I was fifteen years old, I had one of the guiltiest thoughts in my entire life. I remember laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinking 'What if I just forget that this is wrong, and be happy?'. I shook my head immediately. I could be under torture 24/7, but I needed to have my morals. To be a good person. What kind of good person would I be if I just threw everything in the air and thought 'Screw it'? And, who knows, maybe one day I would be able to like a girl the same way my friends did. I couldn't lose hope.

The idea that the thought of 'accepting and being actively gay' made me feel scary. And was in that moment that my biggest fear entered in my mind. I was scared of one day waking up, looking at the mirror, and not like what I'm seeing. Even worst, not recognize myself. I was afraid of getting lost.

So I made a list. A list of things that I could never, under any circumstances, do: I could never use drugs. I could never smoke. I could never drink underage. I could never get drunk and pass out. I could never sleep with someone without feelings. I could never sleep with someone without condom. And I could never do anything with a boy. I couldn't kiss. I couldn't have a meaningful touch. And, obviously, I couldn't sleep with one.

If I didn't do those things, I wouldn't lose myself. I would be okay. I hided my list on the back of my closet, behind a piece of wood that was loose and no one ever fixed it.

This was two years ago, and my list is still in the same place. And I was still drowning. But I got used to not breathing. I kissed some girls at parties so no one would think I was weird. I didn't feel anything, though. I wanted to stop feeling things. But I just knew it wasn't possible by now. So I just had to put a fake happy face every day and act like a normal teenager. No one would ever figure out what was going on.

I was standing in front of the mirror, trying to fix my tie around my neck so I could go to school. I was satisfied with my outside look. I had blond golden hair, light blue eyes that reminded ice, and freckles on my nose and cheeks. But I couldn't be more miserable about my inside. But I couldn't get any help. I had to suck it up.

A knock on my door made me jump, and my older brother put his head inside of my room.

"Hurry up or we'll be late"

"Going"

Jonathan was only a year older than I was, but he acted like he was my dad, honestly. Super protective over me and caring much. But, in the end of the day, it was me who took care of him. Because he was an irresponsible asshole. He often got drunk in parties, and I had to drag him back home and sober him up. But he was a good person, so I didn't get mad with him about that.

Despite being my brother, his appearance was totally different from mine. While I got mine entirely from my dad, he got his entirely from my mom. Brown dark hair with hazel eyes.  The only trace we shared was the white skin and the freckles.

I got out of my room and moved to the kitchen, ready to prepare myself some breakfast before I went to school, and I was greeted with my father sipping a mug of coffee.

"Morning, son" He smiled warmly.

"Morning, dad" I did my best so my voice wouldn't match how dead I was feeling inside. And it worked. So many years faking made me an amazing actor.

"Hi, sweetie" My mom kissed my cheek while I grabbed a cup to pour juice in.

"Hey, mom" I made the corner of my lips quirk in a fake smile "Where are Allie and Casey?"

Allie and Casey were my twin sisters. Identical twins. They were always putting pranks on us, and making us confused when Casey said that she was Allie and Allie said that she was Casey. It made me crazy but I secretly loved it. They were fourteen years old, and had blue eyes like mine and brown hair like Jonathan. No freckles to them, though.