Your lie (Levi • Reader)

2. Stupid tree

I tried to shake all my worries away, as I always did and I got a blank head with one aim. Killing those execrated Titans.

Pushing myself into the woods, I concentrated on noise and speed.
Suddenly I heard some rustling and a wooden figure jumped in front of me, making me curse.
I hated it, when they just jumped out of nowhere.
Turning my right sword back, I pushed myself from a branch a little back and flew around the wooden Titan to cut his soft spot deeply.

While I continued passing trees I heard wind behind me. With a little head turn, I allowed my eye to see somebody behind my back, seemingly following me. Loosing my thoughts on the person, I didn't pay attention to the next obstacle and slammed into it with full-speed.

I fell to the ground and hit my head hard.
Trying to regain my full-consciousness, I held my forehead and looked up to see Levi Heichou standing in front of me and looking down with his cold and silent expression.
Oh god.
Why?
Why did it have to happen today? This was such a stupid mistake and now I had outplayed my last chance. Internally I smacked my head instead of having it done by Shadis again.

Corporal Levi narrowed me with an icy stare and bent forward, so I thought he'd help me up. I put my hand up, just so he could look at it with disgust. "Tch. You'd be dead now."
With these words he turned around and I quietly followed him through the woods to the others
What an ass. This was my second training and he really looked at me as if I was a disgrace to humanity itself. I really wanted to tell him to put his bad attitude somewhere else and be friendly or at least try.

When arriving where the others had gathered, I expected him to say how bad I was and that Shadis has to put me to the other novices.

I closed my eyes and waited.

"So?", Shadis asked.
Without even looking at Shadis, he turned to me, looking straight into my eyes.

"She is a catastrophe at the manoeuvre."
There was a small pause.
"Next time she'll be fighting."
I sighed, but before I realised what commander Levi said. I couldn't believe it: I did it!

But why?

When hearing that, I looked up to Levi and I couldn't stop my smile. All I wanted was to cheer out of happiness, because I did it. I needed to thank him!

'Did I make you proud, dad?', I asked myself, while looking to the light-blue sky.
Turning back to Levi Heichou, I wanted to thank him, but he was already occupied by the next training-corps-student.

I was so happy to find out, that Jean made it as well. He passed and was talked free after, so and I ran to him, embracing him.
"Jean, we're in! We can finally join the Survey Corps!"

He, confused to me:
"Wait, what?"

-

Silently we walked side by side next to each other. Nobody dared to say anything, because we were scared to find out what we had already known this whole time.

We reached the big lawn behind the HQ.
All of the sudden Jean spoke:
"(Y/N), do you know how many die, because of-"

"Yes.", I responded silently.
He didn't give up.

"No, (Y/N), you can't do that! You can't just waste your life for... for this stupid corps!"
Jean's expression mixed with worry and fear.

"Jean, I know all of the consequences. I know about the death rate and I know about how small my chance even is. But they do save our lives. The day the Titans attacked, the Survey Corps were the only people, who risked their lives for us. Maybe we'd be dead if it wasn't for them."

"Then let them fight, (Y/N)! Just don't join them, you can help in other ways-"

I shook my head.
"I couldn't help my dad on that day. I was too weak."

"But now you're strong, be strong in the Military Police!", his expression was desperate.

"I've never seen the Military Police risking their lives for others. And if we don't do it ourselves, who else will?", I said trying to sound as calm as possible, though my voice trembled.
Didn't he crave to see what laid beyond the walls?
There was a long silence, which seemed to stretch time more and more...

"I- I- can't come with you.", Jean suddenly said.
"My life is far too precious as that I waste it for a lost cause."

With these words I felt a stitch in my heart. Jean didn't look at me, while saying it. That hurt me even more, because I knew he meant it and I might never see him again. Tears formed in my sad, (E/C) eyes. I looked at him from the side and we sat beside each other in silence.

But then I remembered what drove me forward.

-

The city
The next day we had a break.
And I needed it, so I walked down the street like every average citizen.

Before my dad left we were very wealthy. We had a big house with a small garden and an old cherry-tree. I loved the smell of it.
Every summer it would have a huge shadow under which you could just sit down and read. My dad always surprised me with new books on special occasions. He would tell me something like "You won't believe what I got you!" And I'd roll my eyes more with every year that'd pass. But not because I didn't like it, but because it was our thing.

Every time he would say "When you're ready, let's talk about it."
Our thing.
Now gone.
I slipped through the shadows.
On sunny days I went to the garden and enjoyed the small white-pinkish blossom of the ancient tree. They smelt like home. Like heaven.

I entered a shop.
When you sit down under such a tree, the shadow would consume you. The stories my father gave me were full of adventures, dreams, wishes, princesses and princes, kings and queens, vast landscapes which seemed to have no end and the one thing I liked to imagine most, floors of water. There were no roots anywhere and no limits you couldn't bend beyond. The good ones won and the bad ones lost everything to them. A fair and beautiful world.
I saw what I was looking for. Slowly and patiently I waited for the people to pass me, looking like deep in thought.

But this world wasn't fair at all. It took the good people away and left you without safety. No warning, no apology.
When nobody looked my way, I approached the object. A small silver hook, seemingly precious.
I went past it, let it glide naturally under my coat and disappeared into the outside-world.

Before my dad left we were very wealthy, but when he disappeared there was nothing left behind either. There was no memory, not a single piece of sweetness reminding my mom or me of him. Just our thoughts.

I'd lie if I said that we didn't have it harder. But honestly, I wouldn't even care about this stupid tree or it's blossoms or about the goddamn house, if it wasn't for him.
I could take just one single book with me.

Once, on my 14th birthday, he didn't only "surprise" me with a book. There was a silver necklace in his hand, with the pendant shining metallically.
I always wore it until past a few days, but had to sell it, because we needed the money.
'Even that I couldn't keep...', I thought to myself, holding back tears.

Unconsciously my fist clenched. "I swear, I'll kill all of you.", I whispered, filled with hatred.

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