Your lie (Levi • Reader)

No regrets

"Meet me outside at 5.", he only said and threw the coat over his shoulder, before he left.

After what Levi said, you went out to take a short break. Your head was hurting and this disgusting dizziness creeped up on you again, though it appeared that it came back quicker this time.
The late hours started arriving and with the sun setting earlier, you walked through the greens and evergreens, admiring them closely and letting your fingers glide over their rough barks.

Arriving at the building again, you put off your shoes and socks, taking them into your hand. Your feet met the pleasantly fresh grass underneath, which was still graced by the dew from this morning's pre-summer rain.
Your legs started running and you closed your eyes, before letting them look up to the brightly shining stars above your now tiny appearing figure in comparison to the gigantic night-sky. Their faint, yet still intensive, light pierced through the endless black like dots on an old, black blanket.

After what felt like a second, your lungs filled with the crisp air everywhere around and you let your eyes trace the dark lake you had arrived at. You rolled off your shirt and pants, putting them on a small log by the side.
A pleasantly cold feeling flushed through your entire body, as it stiffened at the unexpected feeling of freezing water on itself. It started from the bottom of your toes up to your neck and lastly head.
Despite your being refusing to go further in, you did, sensing it up to your upper thighs, because the water was relatively deep from the beginning already.

It seemed as if it was completely silent, after your mind wandered to the end of the horizon's visual display. With your fingers going over the surface of the water, you wished you could always feel this much.
This much freedom.
The feeling was strange, since it reminded you of the wide fields of water Armin had shown you in his book, or of the images the ones of your father contained. And it was weird how despite of you never having seen all these things in reality, they still felt so familiar, so worth craving for.
It was strange and aching, because none of you actually owned the freedom in this same, exact way you wished for. You had come to realise this very soon, after talking with your father about this and even more, after losing him. Or losing your mother.

All of you were trapped in a cage you couldn't escape from, waiting for an inevitable death by either a natural phenomenon, or most probably titans. It was always painful enough to push these negative thoughts away and continue fighting, because death had always caught up with you, showing its cruelty by the bodies of your deceased comrades.

It tried to reach out for you in the past and it might've managed, didn't it?
But now it was happening again.

You expected it around the corner to catch you, because you nowadays seemingly only waited for the day you collapsed and it all got dark again, though your eyes wouldn't open for a second time.
And nevertheless you were always able to sustain and oppose it all, despite all the odds standing against you.
The reason was, that you had a dream.
It didn't matter how many times someone would tell you to give it up, you couldn't, because it was yours and yours only.
There was only one single person you wanted share it with.

Since an early age you had believed in a world stained in black and its merciless opposite, white, nothing being in between.
But now you weren't even sure you could push one thing into one category, even if you tried to.
You realised your father did atrocious things, but Levi wasn't much different. You saw him kill humans in cold-blood before, but you knew very well how unpleasant it was for him to do so. You knew he hated it more than anything, because Levi thought of each death to be a wasted one. He was a good-hearted man and you wished more than anything he could receive what he deserved one day.

Leafs rustled under the effect of mild wind, as another noise gained on presence.
You heard the silent crackle of earth and grass behind you, before recognising the voice.
"I told you to meet me later."