complicated; jonah marais {COMPLETED}

43. "i loved you"

I sit down at the picnic table with my plate, I keep my eyes on my plate to afraid to make eye contact with anyone simply because i will show my emotions. but I knew once the person sat down who it was, his body language was so familiar. "hey are you okay?" as the words fell from him lips it took every muscle in my throat to swallow the ball that form. why were those words cause a chain reaction of emotion, sadness. just letting all that shit that we've tried to hold back. with those simple 3 words out comes a disaster, but luckily my brain was on my side right now. "yeah, I'm ok" he sighs besides me and meet his eyes, comes close to me "I know it's been awhile but i still know when you're lying" I hold my breath, and nod. my eyes begin to water but I wasn't about to let it happen. I pull my eyes away and look down at plate, I quickly lost my appetite. I ate the burger of course because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad.

Talk traveled around the table, with wide smiles, and loud laughs. It felt so good, so free, for a moment all my worries, all my thoughts, were distinguished. It was so refreshing to sit back and laugh with everyone, and with family. although my mother's missing i still felt like I was in her warm arms. being away from them made me realize how much i relied on them, living in an apartment alone, in the city that's supposed to be paradise but it's the most loneliness place I've ever been. Here, in Minnesota, was home, it was happy, warm(not the weather), I was with the most important people in my life, yet everything changed in the last 4 months. my mom left, Jonah and i's relationship fell apart, and i loved across the country to place I hate.

The party moved inside where everyone sat in the living room and kitchen, my mind wandered and I walked upstairs. I pulled my notebook out and began writing.

I'm not a song writer so bare with me, it won't be good okay. don't hate🤣

it's crazy how much can change, so fast

I loved you just last summer

we didn't speak for months.

I left for the lonely city of paradise.

we met again but nothing was the same

Minnesota is my home, but without you I feel, oh, so lonely

it's crazy how fast things change

I loved you last summer

I still do, but what am I supposed to do

when you don't love me the way I love you

nothing's the same

I used to feel at home in your arms

now im homeless, alone, on my own

in a city I can't stand to be in

i write songs so hopefully you'd understand

understand the way you made me feel

I know you hear them, but you stay silent

Its you I sing about

it's crazy how much things change, so fast

last summer we were in each other's arms

this summer, we barely talk, I can't look at you

without all those feelings rushing back

last summer I loved you, this summer,

i still do

"i loved you by Lucy"

I wiped the tears off my face and closed the notebook, I stare into my mirror over my desk. I stare into my eyes, i don't feel the same. I've changed sinced then, but I can only blame myself. I made the decision to leave, to end it all. I dont if I'm in more pain now than I would be waiting around and constantly watching Jonah fall for someone else. Because he'll never love me the way I love him, but i still have that string of home, the string of home that my brain keeps trying to pull away but my heart won't let go.

someone knocks on my door, I try my best to look as though I wasn't crying, I looked so tired and dead. I felt so different and I didn't like it "come in" my voice was low, I stayed looking at myself, a frown placed on my lips. I look into the mirror at him, he had his mouth open, I don't know if he was shocked or unresponsive.

Jonah's POV

I noticed Lucy walk up stairs to her old room, I waited down stairs wondering if she'd come back down. after a half hour I walked up the stairs quietly, I hear her sniffle and I frown and knock. I wait a few seconds and hear her whisper "come in" she sounded so defeated, once I stepped in I could see she even looked defeated, my mouth opens. I didn't know what to say, how to even ask I had no idea what to say. "what's up?" she says as if there was nothing wrong, I cleared my throat "I uh, I came up here to check on you" she forced a smile and stood up "that was sweet of you" I nod looking away from her sad eyes, could I be the cause of them? "come on" she says as she walks past me. I follow her down the stairs, I noticed her whole stances, body language and voice changed as she spoke to everyone else. She hid her pain so well, if i wouldn't have gone up there I would have never noticed. Has this always happend? is this the first time I've noticed it? how many times have I spoken to her or came over without realizing minutes before she was in one of her darkest moments? or is it just recently has she been this down? I felt a tug at my heart when I realize I could of been the cause of it, the cause of her pain, the cause of that sadness in her eyes, the reason she's changed so much. it was all because of me...did I, did I break her? and now she walks around with a fake smile, to cover it all up, and then at night when she's alone, she lets it all out. she cries, she pretends like she's okay. She can tell me I didn't but I know I did. look at her, the look she had on her face, the sadness, the dark eyes. I hurt her, I did that. I broke my best friend more than I ever thought I could.

I walked outside to hide away as I began to cry. I bit down my lip, letting the tears fall. my mind felt congested with thoughts and emotions, I let everything loose. I let everything go after a few minutes, i consumed every thing. I know I have to talk to her but I don't know how, I need to protect me too.

💭

okay ik it's been forever and I'm SORRY but this chapter