Fear.
Anxiety.
Not good enough.
To much to handle
To gay.
To blonde.
To fat.
No dad.
Weird.
Freak.
The band is better without you.
Jack doesn't love you, he hates you.
My head was spinning from the voices screaming in the back of my mind with everything I did. The things I would usually do with the boys or even my boyfriend, Jack. I didn't do it anymore. I didn't felt happy the way I ignored them all but I could care less all that went through my mind where the hate comments people shot my way.
I talked less, didn't do much for the covers, didn't eat much only when Jack or if the other's forced food into my mouth, I didn't socialize with the fans mostly keeping to myself in my room, cry and scream in my pillow.
"I'm worried about him you guys."
"We know you are. But what can we do?"
I rolled my eyes at them as I just pushed the front door open and went to the stairs only for Jack to grab my wrist, stopping me from going up.
"Andy.?"
I turned my head to look at him. His face was holding the most upset and heartbroken expression I've ever seen on his face. His eyes held a sad look, his mouth was trembling softly as he kept looking at me. I bit my lip and pulled my hand out his grip and ran up the stairs, slamming the door behind me.
I locked the door quickly only for the door knob to turn but the door didn't budge. "Andy! Open this door." Rye, of course. He must have seen how upset I made Jack, again. He always took care of Jack and Brooklyn the two younger ones. But nobody cared enough about me to even bother to help.
I slid down the wall, pulling my legs up to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them and just sat, and sat. I don't know how long I've been sitting there or how long Rye have been yelling my name together with the others, or when my stomach started grumbling from the lack of food it has been having, or when Mikey and Rye have broken into my room but breaking the door. Good thing Brooklyn took Jack out.
"Andy?"
I heard their voices only for them to be far, far and far away. The voices inside my head where yelling through my mind and head letting me only focus on that and not in the two boys standing in front of me, fear going through their eyes as they looked at me.
My whole body was numb, numb to the pain, fear, everyone outside my head and hurt. I didn't focus on anything else other then the voices and I knew I was slowly breaking myself to the ground until I couldn't do anything anymore but that was maybe what I wanted. I hated the way my mind was playing tricks on me only if I had the strength to fight the darkness that was slowly pulling me by the arms into it's dark and evil bodies, the light only getting further and further away from me making it even more difficult and hard to run towards it. Because sometimes you get tired, tired to run and tired to see the light in things you used to do. The darkness would catch up to you and then you have two choices; run or stay. And I was done running I was so tired that my legs where getting weaker and weaker with each day passing me.
I felt hands grab my shoulders but that was all I felt. My eyes blinked but I still made no move to get up or talk to the two boys who where pulling me by the shoulder's and screaming in my face. I just didn't care.
"What's going on here?"
That voice.. Who did that belong to.? Did I really was that low to the ground I couldn't even make out voices?
I felt two soft hands touch my cheeks and my eyes immediately snapped open, gasping I pushed the body of me and held my hands over my chest. My breath started to become more difficult and the harder I panicked the more difficult it got, I couldn't think straight. My mind drifted of to Jack and the boys and finally I decided to fight this war inside me.
I felt something being pressed between my lips and a puff from the thing that was pressed between my lips filled my lungs with the lovely feeling of oxygen. After the person did this for 5 more times I finally breathed normal and on my own.
I wiped my eyes as I looked up at tje blue eyes of Jack staring straight back into mine.
"Andy?"
I nodded, a smile spreading on my face as I lunged forward, wrapping my arms around his body tightly as I let the tears out I've been holding in for such a long time.
"I won. I won, Jack."
"Won what?"
"The war, Jack. I won the war."
Jack sighed deeply as he understood my words. Jack lifted me yo and sat me on my bed and held my body close to his own. Jack grabbed my hands into his own, our hands fit like puzzle pieces did. Jack held me close the whole night through not even did he leave my side, not once. He stayed with me, held me, told me things that he loved about me, talked to me about life and the sky, he protected me from the evil voices that slowly died down in my mind. I knew they weren't gone forever but I knew they would die down as long as I tried my best to be positive and live each day to the fullest. And for the most part of the path of healing all I need is love and protection.
Healing doesn't happen over night, and I knew that. But the process of healing have started and that was when Jack held me tight and swore to never let me walk alone ever again. There might moments that where the dark will take over but as long as I have Jack in the shining armor I knew he would slay the dark and protect me. If I pushed him away I knew he would pull me back as hard as could. Our love was what kept me on the feet and held me standing. Maybe soon I could say I was healed.
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process if fixing myself, did I know who I really was. And that is Andy Fowler. Together with Jack I could do anything I wanted.
