I dedicate to my friend: brookIyngibson because 1. She's my best friend. 2. She has a one shot 'in my blood' jacklyn and I got this idea from it. so creds to you as well x. And 3. Because she's been such a good support and friend. Love you❤
Stop take it in and I
Breathe for a minute, I
Think too much when I'm alone.
Here I'm again. On the bathroom floor, thoughts that are shouting at me making me feel scared and small. I just wish Brooklyn was here to help but of course he's not. Nobody is around when I need help. Nobody cares about a broken Andy, only of I help them it is good enough.
I knew that wasn't true Brooklyn has helped me a lot. But as I said my thoughts are screaming at me with all this horrible things. I take a deep breath trying to stop the yelling but it only gets worse.
I never win when I
Keep all my thoughts inside.
I felt tears stream down my face as I looked in the mirror. Look what you've become Andy.
worthless,
lazy,
ugly,
Disgusting,
Faggot.
I let out a small sob as I fell to the ground sobbing silently. No one hears me when I cry in silent, I'm never a problem to anyone like this.
So I'll pick up the phone and Brooklyn says, "Andy, stay with me everything will be alright I know I haven't seen you lately but you're always on my mind.
I bited my lip as I grabbed my phone dialing Brooklyn's number immediately. "Brooklyn here." I heard his cheery voice say making me smile through my tears.
"B-Brooklyn.? M-my thoughts a-are y-yelling." I whimpered as I sat against the wall. Silent tears making their way down my cheeks once more. "Andy, stay with me everything will be alright, I know I haven't seen you lately, but you're always on my mind." Brooklyn said through the phone making me sob again, "P-please I-I n-need y-you." I whimpered again. Feeling so damn fragile.
"Look babe I don't know what you're going through right now but there's so much life ahead of you." Brooklyn said making me let out a broken sob again. "And it won't slow down. No matter what you do. So you just gotta hold on, all we can do is hold on, yeah?" Brooklyn spoke again.
"When are you coming back?" I whimpered already knowing his answer, Brooklyn sighed before speaking "In two weeks baby, I'm sorry. I can't come to you not and I feel bad about the fact I can't comfort you. Please remember my words yes? I love you so much." Brooklyn said, I knew he had to go. "I love you to, bye." I said so softly I wonder if he even heard it. I hung up and smashed my phone against the wall. Shattering it in million of pieces.
These days are flying by
Weeks feel like minutes.
I sat down on the cold bathroom floor. once again. This is what I've been doing lately and nobody seems to notice. Not Rye nor Jack nor Mikey. But who would even? I'm just a sad broken boy no one loves. I knew Brooklyn would come back tomorrow but I couldn't help to sit down on the floor again.
I slowly pulled my sleeves up noticing the already white and some red lines I've made over these past days. I sighed as I traced them with my index finger. I smiled as I pressed a little to hard down immediately feeling the stinning pain it made. I couldn't help but to feel proud. I was fighting with my demons, at least that's what the voices said. They also got less so I must be doing a good job!
Can't remember being small
I try to figure it out.
I honestly have no idea that I became so small and so fragile, but honestly. I didn't want to even know. I liked this, I liked the things I did to myself. I loved every feeling of it. The hurt, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the disappointment. Everything I loved it.
I sometimes try to figure out how things got worse but honestly every time I'm close. My thoughts talk to me and I know I should stop and not dig deeper. I've been thinking about talking back to them, but in the end I know they are always right. Why fight them? Sooner or later you will find the truth anyway.
I can't seem to find out how
I guess I don't know much at all.
I always seem to know nothing. I try to search for the reason why I got so upset, but I never seem to find the answers. Maybe I just don't even want them either. Maybe the truth is even more cruel then I think it is.
I sighed as I stood up from the floor and went to Brooklyn's room he shared with Jack. Sadly. I layed down on his bed again, pulling my knees towards me, tears already streaming down my face. I held my head tightly, almost grabbing my hair as the voices got even louder and louder. It almost scared me. Almost.
I heard the door open only to ignored it. Probably one of the boys 'trying' to get me to talk to them.
"Baby?" I heard some soft, gently, caring voice say I immediately knew it was and didn't have to think twice about it. Brooklyn was back. I turned around hugging Brooklyn tightly as I cried in the crook of his neck. "I got you babe. I got you." He whispers as he held me even tighter then he could. "I'm sorry Brooklyn, I did it again." I told him when we both pulled away, Brooklyn gently grabbed both my arms, pulling the sleeves ask the way up, revealing at least 20 new scars on both my arms.
Brooklyn looked at me and smiled softly "I'm not bad. We are going to get through this again, I don't care if it takes years." He said kissing my head gently. "I want you to remember the words I'm going to tell you?" He asked me raising a eyebrow, I nodded at him as I bit my lip. Brooklyn grabbed my chin making me look at him before he started speaking.
"Andy, stay with me.
Everything will be alright
I know I haven't seen you lately but you're always on my mind. I don't know what
you're going through but there's so much life ahead of you and it won't slow down.
No matter what you do. You just gotta hold on all we can do is hold on, yeah. just hold on for me."
And those are the words I always will remember and never forget.
