A Love For Keeps

Unacceptable

(FENG ZHUTUAN)

"Are you really gonna ignore me for the rest of our life?" I asked my wife who is sitting in front of her vanity mirror as she got ready for bed.

MiLen can be frustratingly stubborn. She is not the most beautiful woman I have meet or even dated or bedded but she sure is the most fascinating woman I have ever encountered.

That is why even though our marriage is an arranged one, I fell for her. MiLen is intelligent, articulate and could be cold and aloof. But once you pierced that hard shell surrounding her, you will meet the sweet and caring person underneath.

Having said all that, MiLen is not above being impossible. Especially if the topic is our only child, Jian Yu.

For MiLen, Yu is the most essential part of her. After going through two miscarriages and one stillborn birth, Yu's appearance in our lives is not a mere blessing. For MiLen and I, Yu is our miracle.

And we love our son so much. Maybe even a bit too much.

Since learning about Yu's association with another man, it pushed me to do something I have never done before. I took a step back and observe my family from an outsider's point of view.

And what I learned is not flattering to me and to my wife and father.

We have been controlling Yu and leading him to the path we want for him. My son had been living the life we want for him, not the life he wants for himself.

Maybe our only salvation is the fact that Yu had never rebel before. He has been obedient, painfully so, for the past twenty five years of his life. Never complaining, never trying to dodge our orders. Yu had been a good soldier to me and to my wife.

And my son learned to hide a part of him that scared us when we first heard about it.

"I am a girl..."

I can still remember the exact date and time when Yu had said those words. When he asked when will we agree to let him wear a dress for his Grammy's funeral.

I will admit, I looked at my son like he is the scariest person I have ever met when he uttered those words. Because I know, in the deepest recesses of my mind and heart, I can never understand what Yu is going through.

To be a male outside, but a female inside. I can never grasp a concept like that. So in my moment of weakness. Of not wanting to lose my son, I let my father talked Yu out of thinking that he is a girl.

And it worked. Yu never mentioned that thing again after he talked to his Grampy. And our lives commence as normal as it should. As peaceful as it can be.

But now...now, I think we are all finally paying for the peace and normalcy of our lives when we pushed Yu to conceal himself. His inner self. Now, we are paying the price.

And the hardest part is seeing my son pay the highest price of all. Seeing my son rebelling against our wishes, seeing him finally coming out of his shell, fighting so hard, it's painful to watch.

On one side, I want to let Yu go. He is his own man now. I think my son finally made a decision, he will love another man. That when it comes to the matter of the heart, his inner self won. He is a girl inside, a girl who likes a man, and that man is Wang Qing.

But on the other side, how can I let my son go to a man whose family has a history with ours? My own father hates that family. And I have no doubt that the Wangs hate us too. How can I let my son go to that family when I am not sure that he will be welcome much less get treat fairly there? How?

MiLen has a different take on the matter though.

"You should have told me," she finally stopped applying lotion to face me. "You should have...how could you hide it from me? I am his mother..." her eyes, her almond shaped eyes, convey how hurt MiLen is.