A Love For Keeps

Trapped

"Dayu ah," I sighed and moved to get a bit closer to him. "You are not a girl..."

"I am a girl!" That signaled Dayu to be angry and shout again. Now, I wish this room is sound proof and no one can hear us from outside or the rooms next to us.

Dayu gave me a hurt look. "You are just like them," he said as he put a hand on his chest. "I tried telling them. I tried explaining to them. I am a girl. But they won't listen to me. They won't believe me..."

That...that pricked something in my chest. "Who are they?" I asked him delicately. "Who did you tell?"

"Them," Dayu waved his hand. "Mama...Baba...them..."

His family. He told his family about this.

Dayu jabbed his own chest with his fist. "I...I know what I am here..." he is talking about his heart. "I know I look strange outside but I am a girl. I am!" He insisted.

He is trapped. That is what Dayu is.

Dayu looks like a man outside but inside, he is a girl.

That is not something I find surprising. As a gay man, I am active in the LGBT community. I know people who are like Dayu, who feels trapped in their own body. I know people like him. I heard stories like the one he is telling me now.

What Dayu is going through is hard. Being trapped inside a body type that doesn't agree with what you are feeling, that is tough shit.

And Dayu tried telling people...his own family. But they didn't listened to him. I wonder what happened when Dayu did it. How old was he when he confessed to feeling like that to his family.

"Dayu ah..." I called his name. Dayu sniffed and stared back at me. "It will be okay..."

"No," Dayu shook his head. "It will be not. But what do you know? Your problems are simpler than mine. You are gay...and your family supports you. You don't know what I am going through. Living in this body..."

That is unfair. It was not easy for me to come out and accept who I really am. Although yes, I don't know what Dayu is going through because unlike him, I like being in my body. But it was no means easy for me to be where I am right now in terms of my sexuality.

I struggled too. I find it hard to accept I am gay too. If I was afforded a choice, I will not choose to be gay. But being gay is not a choice for me. This is not a lifestyle choice or something I decided I want to do randomly. No. Being gay is innate to me. This is me. I struggled about it, questioned myself, got angry and then finally, accepted it. Being me is no means easy.

But Dayu won't know that, because he is not me. And Dayu is right, I will not understand his suffering because I am not him. This is Dayu's battle. This is his struggle. And I am a stranger that he will not see again tomorrow.

"It will be okay," I have to say that to at least alleviate his emotions. "C'mon, you have to rest..."

"I don't feel good," Dayu said before burping a little, face blanching in color and he put a hand on his mouth.

I paled too, "No! Hold it in!" I felt panicky as I helped him to his feet and push him to the direction of the bathroom.

He should not vomit until he got there.