Mercy (ManxBoy)

57: ѕυвмιѕѕινє

Embraced in my dream, absurd as it may seem,

You're slave under my illusion, the everdark of mine.

Z A I R E

Sykes was working in his home office, and I was sitting down at the kitchen table with my journal. Sykes had told me to write to him. He told me that until I did it, I couldn't get up. And I was definitely not going to disobey him again.

I couldn't really explain why I'd gotten so upset about Thomas seeing us. I just... did.

He'd asked me, and I had told him it was because I didn't want anyone to see him naked. And that's true. He's mine. And, I don't want some little guy that I didn't know that well to make a move on my man. He's my master and just like how he is possessive of me, I am possessive of him. But it felt like more than that.

In the moment when I'd found out that he'd been watching, for one second... one tiny microscopic second... I was back there, in that room with all of those men looking over me.

I could practically feel the gun to my head, hear the men around me laughing, watching as they each took their turn with me. I could practically feel them touching me... and it was horrific. And I hated that. I hated that I wasn't able to just laugh it off like him.

Dear Journal,

I kind of disobeyed. I didn't really mean to, and at the moment I wasn't thinking about it. A huge part of me was angry because Thomas had seen my master naked and making me scream and beg for more... But a larger part of me got scared at the thought.

I'm not sure why, because I have done scenes with masters out on display, but in such a personal setting it was quite nerve wracking.

And I hadn't known that he was watching, so that only doubled it.

I want to tell my master what I went through in that room... I do. But, honestly, some of it is... embarrassing. I just... feel like I need my master to help me sort this all out in my head.

When it first happened, I left the scene for a long time... and now I feel nervous at the thought of someone seeing me... I hope that I'm not going to be forced out of the scene again. I would hope my master loved me even though... but what if he doesn't?

And I still have the problem of Steven... he's still around, I know. He's not going to just go away... I wish though.

Anyway, I would rather talk about this to my master than some piece of paper that can give me no comfort... though I feel as though I'm falling apart.

But, I can't disappoint him again. He's my master, and I live to serve him—literally. It's just how I want it to be. I love being with him all the time, having no responsibility but to please him... while we were running I felt so free with him. It made me so happy to have nothing but him. And I realized that this is what I want for my entire life. I want him to own me... entirely.

But, I haven't really talked to him about it. I feel like we're stable, and like he's not going anywhere, but then I get nervous when I think he's embarrassed or ashamed of me...

I need my master. I can't lose him. I just can't.

-Zaire Williams.

I picked up my journal and took it to my master, knocking shyly on the door. He called for me to come in, and I did, blushing brightly.

He smiled softly when he saw me, and motioned me to come forward. I did as he said without hesitation, sinking down on the ground in front of him. He smirked softly, petting me on the head softly. I giggled and handed him the journal. He took it from me, and sat it down on his desk before he opened it and began reading.