A Wager Of The Heart

80. Keeping a smile on my face

:::Charity:::

It was official, in my mind at least, I would never visit this house again. I wouldn't be permitted entrance no matter how much I wanted to stay. There were few guests remaining after Geri and Brandan finally left for his house and I was unfortunately one of them. Bastion informed me of this sad fact on our way back from our conversation, we were staying because he and mother wanted a break from the now twelve and eleven year old brother's I knew nothing about. Dinner was quiet and stinted and the only thing I received from Amelia was cold hatred. When someone else tried to speak to me she would talk over them to someone else. 

I tried not to feel resentful to her because in some strange way the strength of her hatred only proved how much she liked me before. Kent had disappeared before I returned with Bastion to the breakfast and hadn't been seen since. I tried to rub the tension from my neck as I sat now at the window in what used to be my room. It looked exactly the same and my heart contracted with pain as I remembered I would never be here again. I would never be home again.

I sighed and stared out of the window at the one place I wanted to be more than anything. And the one place I couldn't go. I'd decided that when I felt the pressure of his hatred squishing me like the heel of a boot on a beetle. I couldn't fathom ever stepping foot out this door, let alone brazenly wandering the halls like I was welcome, a part of the family. I could feel the hollow ache in my chest that had been growing all day and filling with the anger and contempt thrown at me at every turn.

I smiled to myself, even in the loneliness of this dark room, because none of the pain could take away the joy I felt at having the opportunity to watch Geri marry the man she loved. I'd endure hell and back, I probably will have to, because nothing could tempt to leave her side again. We would live separately now but that wasn't the same as being separated. Bastion's house was a short ride away so I will always be close. 

Adelaide continued to shoot her looks of worry between my father and I and Geri's clinging all told me they weren't sure I would stay. I didn't have the heart to tell them I wasn't strong enough to leave them again. I don't think I could leave even if it meant I would forfeit my life. I wasn't that strong. I wanted to be selfish and stay in the warm embrace of my family. 

Now, hours after I'd seen her last, Geri's radiant smile held less strength and I could feel the coward in my demand to be outside. I wanted to go, especially considering I'd never get another change to visit the garden again. I sighed as I looked back out of the window at the garden and I felt the last of my commonsense straining against the urge to go. 

"There is no way he'll be there." I said with conviction and hope, I knew I would have to face him eventually but I wasn't ready right now. Besides, "he hates me now." I spoke the rest of the thought out loud. "There is no reason for him to be there because he hates me so there is no reason for me to not go."

I finished the one sided debate with a smile on my face as I turned back into the room. My trunk containing all of my things from before had been retrieved from the rectory and I scampered toward it in haste. Now that I'd made up my mind an entire year of wanting to travel the paths came crashing into me at once. Not only was it a tranquil garden but it held so many good memories of the one and only time I believed in a devil. The thought sobered me but I pushed through to retrieve my cloak, the weather had taken a turn for the worse and was now as cold as a winter morning. 

I need to go and lay those memories to rest so I could move on. I needed to move on. I sighed deeply and pulled the warm cloak and pulled the warm cloak over my shoulders and the hood over my head. As I snuck out of the room I contemplated my exit strategy. Normally I would said through the servant's quarters and out the dining room door but in the short time I'd been in the house I'd seen many faces I didn't recognize. I doubted they would like a complete stranger in their living quarters this late at night. Which left the library.