A Wager Of The Heart

51. Burdens

:::Charity:::

I sat comfortably at the large window in my bedroom admiring the sunset and twilight descending. Everyone had retired early to prepare for the following day. We would spend the morning making arrangements and packing our things to prepare for the half days journey to the home of the Count and Countess of Haven Wood. I was more resolute than ever to go and be done with this life long battle I waged but I was not prepared to be as brave as I needed. I knew the nest few days I would need my family and new found friends more than ever. 

Ursula demanded that I keep my dubious origins to myself but I had no doubt she would create an equally distasteful backstory for me. One that no doubt would speak to the kindness and tolerance of her character to allow me access to her home.

I sighed and leaned my head against the window pane. I'd had my final fitting with the finger jabbing old woman this afternoon. I was no judge of beauty but Geri, Amelia and Edi all proclaimed me the most beautiful woman they'd ever seen. I hoped for my sake they were wrong. For one reason or another I'd be deemed undesirable company and undesirable company that is even mildly attractive gets all of the wrong attentions. 

My eyes wandered to the garden in the darkened twilight and I was filled with mixed emotions. I wanted to run my fingers along the leaves and flowers, to smell the alluring scent of exotic plants. To find the tranquility within myself that slipped away from me the night I returned from the woods. But the garden was no longer a sanctuary. I longed to visit and see my handsome devil once more, to give into this foolish ambition and throw myself into his arms and accept whatever form of love he was willing to give. So I stayed away for mine and my sister's sake.

It seemed the more Kent strove to know and understand my sister the more I saw the boy Brandan described to me and the more Geri loved him. It was a strange thing to have one look both break and mend your heart. I was confident if Geri could break through to the heart of Kent she would live a very happy life. My infatuation with the man would fade with time and I would be perfectly content.

I heard a light knock at the door and turned as it opened softly. Bastion stepped into the room and smiled warmly at me as he shut the door. "You look forlorn Chicken." He walked swiftly and sat down across from me. "You're going to miss this place?"

I looked at him sideways and sighed, I knew where this conversation was leading, as it had ended there every night. "Edi has a beautiful garden and I'd like to savor as much of it as I can."

"You sound as if you'll never see it in the summer again." I looked at my father skeptically. "You will visit Geri at least, if you don't end up here with her."

"What of you?" I asked shocked. Geri would have endless people to wait on her, my father would have no one.

"I'll be fine Chicken, don't worry." He said patting my leg.

"Besides," I said carefully to conceal my feelings, "Geri assured me she will not marry unless she's madly in love."

Bastion laughed. "She may not be madly in love yet but she is smitten enough to get there. I did not think Kent would do the job but something has changed his mind."

"Indeed," I said mournfully.

Again Bastion laughed as he pulled me into a quick hug. "I know it will not be the same but she will still be your sister and your friend."

"I know," I said, still unable or unwilling to articulate my true feelings on the subject. "Marriage will probably suit her very well but I will be lost."

We sat in silence for a very long time as night fully set in and then began to creep onward. "I have an unresolved issue I must have addressed before I truly allow you to set foot in the Countess's house." I nodded my head in acknowledgement but waited for him to continue. "I do not know if it truly pertains to the Countess or her family at all but I require clarity."

He paused looking at me expectantly, I laughed as I relented. "Fine, I will be as honest as I can."

He looked satisfied with my answer and bowed his head before he continued. "I am not contented with how our conversation ended the night you told me of what happened. About your belief that Geri's happiness means more to you than your own. More specifically why she or I can't place your happiness above our own. I want an answer I can grasp onto." 

I leaned back and stared out of the window as I thought. The question caught me off guard. I expected another argumentative discussion about my presence, or lack thereof, at Ursula's house. The answer to his question was as simply as it could be and yet impossible to explain. Bastion waited patiently for the proper words to form in my mind. 

"Geri loves with abandon, she hopes and she believes recklessly, she has spirit enough to wish for all her hearts desires. She has not been defeated by life, she has not been taught caution through pain. She remains untainted. I envy her in that regard. I may deny it both logically and rationally, but emotionally I am jealous. I feel as if life has decided that I should never find my own happiness." I paused for a moment and watched my father's face but he did not speak so I continued, the words pouring from my heart to my mouth with little thinking required. "I would do anything in my power to prevent the pain of reality from crushing her with the bleakness of life. Her dreams may be ridiculous, her perceptions skewed, her wishes outlandish and impossible and I would still have her believe them. I will still encourage all of this, as best I can, because more than anything she deserves to have all that she desires and more."

The room was silent as I finished, Bastion appeared to be too shocked to speak. I hoped he was satisfied because if he continued to ask questions under my oath of truth I might unintentionally hurt him. "And you feel you are denied this and responsible for Geri, to see that she is happy?"

"Both are true in their own ways." I said softly. "I am neither a part of your world not a part of my mothers. I resigned myself to this fact many years ago." 

"What do you mean, have I made you feel unloved?" Bastion asked, stricken.

"No," I said quickly, leaning forward to hug him. I held him as tightly as he held me while I contemplated how best to get my point across. I released him and sat back so we were facing one another again. "It feels as if I have a foot in each room but a place in neither. I am too low to be a part of your world and too high to be a part of my mothers. Therefore I escape the notice of all in regards to marriage. Since happiness of this kind is denied to me then I will make sure Geri can experience her best."

I watched my father closely as my words registered in his mind, one by one. "I may disagree but I understand why you feel you are denied this happiness, but is there a reason beyond your love for your sister that you feel responsible?"

I looked away from him so I could not see the pain my next answer would cause him. "It is because of my mother that Geri was denied the life she would have otherwise led, and otherwise have fallen in love." I could feel his eyes boring into my face but I could not look.

"Oh Chicken, the burdens you bear that are not even your own." He said suddenly as he pulled me into another hug. I could have cried for the pain in his voice but I managed to hold myself together until he deemed the embrace over. "I completely disagree with your assessment." He said affecting lightness and he tried to watch me playfully. "I believe that one day you will be as foolishly in love as your sister and the man would be daft not to recognize it and embrace it. Mark my words, Chicken, it will happen and you may be caught completely unawares." 

I laughed to release the sudden tightening of my heart. "As long as you are there to tell the feeble minded man what he should do, since I will have no idea."

Bastion smiled and rose to his feet. "You may always count on me to know any imbecile into loving you." He leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of my head before exiting the room.