A Wager Of The Heart

44. Strengthening defenses

:::Charity:::

I watched the sunrise as bitter tears stained my face. I was mortified and thus unable to sleep. I've never met Kent's father before this and to have that said? I couldn't muster the will to change into a night dress. I sat on my bed in my day old, cream colored gown, silently crying until morning.

The door opened and I heard Geri enter. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and closed my eyes, feigning sleep. I just couldn't face her right now, the force of my pain would cloud her eyes. "Chari?" She whispered at the end of the bed. I closed my eyes even tighter. Geri reached down and gently shook my leg. "Charity?"

I felt my temper charge through my haze and I had to bite my tongue to keep in my nasty remark. I grunted and rolled over, careful to keep my face out of the light and the blanket covering up to my neck. "Morning," I croaked grumpily. "I'm not feeling well." I said angrily when Geri stepped closer to me. I could see the pain on her face and I turned away from her. I didn't want to cause her distress but I couldn't bare her pain on top of my own. 

Geri was silent as she watched me for a while longer. "Okay." She whispered as she stepped forward and leaned down to kiss my forehead lightly. "I'll ask Edi to send up a tray."

I nodded as I buried my face deeper into the blankets. I could feel the new rush of tears building behind my eye lids. Geri smoothed hair away from my face and then left just as quietly as she came. The food she promised arrived shortly afterward. I couldn't bring myself to rise and eat. It wasn't even that I was surprised at what Ursula said or even that she said it, it was humiliation at being treated so. 

Deep down I was also aware of a truth to her words that caused me even greater pain. Bastion was married to Violet for five years before Geri was born and yet I was only two months older than my sister. Whatever motivated my mother, it could not have been genuine love or concern. Bastion was a married man and my mother ruined that.

I thought of her other accusations and wondered if I was destined to repeat my mother's mistakes? Ursula may have been wrong but everything she suggested had been posed to me by the devil himself. Despite my protests to the contrary, I found myself falling in love with my sister's husband. Well, future husband, a man she had already confessed to loving. 

I sighed and threw myself out of that bed. I would bear this burden as silently as I've borne everything else. Geri would never know, I would never tell her and cause her the same pain my mother caused Violet. Kent would never know because it would be dangerous to tell him. I believed just as strongly that he'd grow to love my sister but I knew that wasn't his reality yet. He still viewed me as a conquest, as a mistress, as nothing more than a summer romance. I'd like to believe I could continue to resist him but I didn't want to be put to the test. 

I was full of nervous, angry energy and I didn't want to be stuck in this room all day but I knew I wasn't fit company. I felt weak and exposed and I knew I would lash out to keep others at a distance. I sat heavily in a chair by the window and watched the early morning sun coat the fresh world with glorious light. I grunted angrily and looked down at the dress I was encased in, I looked up to the mirror above the vanity and laughed. 

With my wrinkled dress and disheveled hair I could persuade Kent to lose interest in me in favor of my beautiful sister. I sighed, still full of too much angry energy, and stood to at least make myself presentable. I paced when I'd finished changing. I knew as the hours passed that I would have to engineer an escape or risk going crazy.

I was still so agitated several hours later I didn't hear Geri enter the room. She cleared her throat and I found myself scowling at her. She stopped just within the room with a tray of food in her hand. "I've brought you lunch." She said weakly. I could hear the frown and hurt in her voice and I winced. "But I see you haven't touched your breakfast." I heard the dishes rattle as she set them down and her steps as she came closer. "Have you seen the weather?"

I nodded but still would not look at her. I couldn't, she would see the war within me and question until I exploded and screamed at her.

"I thought you might enjoy the fresh air and I asked if we might have a picnic. I've come to fetch you, if you don't want the food I've brought." Her voice was uncertain as she watched me. "I've even better news than that, father's home and my grandmother is gone. Quite unexpectedly." Again all I could manage was a nod. Geri sat silently with me for a few minutes. "Will you come?" 

I shook my head, I wasn't ready to face them. I felt the tears of frustration and anger threaten to overwhelm me again. Geri got up and then knelt in front of me. I watched her stricken, concerned face for only a moment before I could take no more and looked away.

"Amelia told me," Geri said quietly as she reached for my hands, "that she heard her mother and father talking." Her voice was soft, tentative. "Something happened with my grandmother?" I winced and remained silent. "Charity, please tell me."

The desperation in her voice caused me to lean forward and wrap my arms around her shoulders. "I can't." I whispered after some time.

Geri nodded and squeezed me even more tightly than I held her. "You've never shut me out before."

I pulled back so we were looking at each other. Pain marred her face and tears ran down her cheeks. I sighed and hugged her again. "I'm not shutting you out Geri, I just don't know how to talk about it or feel about it. I fear I will cause you more pain than necessary now if I don't get my feelings sorted."

"I won't be hurt." She assured.

"Don't you have a lovely picnic to attend?" I saw the determination in her eyes but I could not relent yet. "I will tell you everything, I promise, but tomorrow. Today I just want to be alone." Geri watched me for several long moments and then accepted with a node of her head. "Tomorrow we will lock ourselves in your room and spend all day together like we used to before." Again she nodded and left reluctantly.

I moved over to the window and watched the very edge of the glass. Nearly half an hour later I saw several half shadows as Geri and her party left to enjoy their picnic. I jumped to my feet and snuck cautiously out of my door and down the stairs. I needed to get out of this house and stomp my emotions out. I wanted to be at peace with myself again, be secure in my emotions and my life. That would only happen with a burst of physical exertion.

I slipped easily through the empty halls in the servants quarters until I reached the kitchen exit. I could just as easily have escaped through the library but that seemed too risky. I opened the door and walked briskly into the brightest summer day. I blinked several times before my eyes adjusted. I ignored the garden completely and headed around the edge of the house. I wanted to escape him, not play into the hands of my handsome devil.

I stomped across the small clearing and entered the wood without fear. I had no clear destination in mind as I wove in and around the trees. Soon I could feel my tension and stress melt away. After a while I felt strong and in control. I kept going, the exertion filling me with a joy I hadn't felt in weeks. 

When I did stop I was surprised to find myself in the exact spot Geri tumbled down the embankment. I ignored the hill and the three identical trails of misplaced leaves and dirt. I walked, instead, to the large rock and sat gingerly down. Above the rock was a break in the canopy that allowed for a perfect view of the sky overhead. I leaned back and focused my attention upward.

I knew now my emotional upheaval was due to humiliation above all else. I still wondered if I could face Kent and his father, but I knew when I did there would be no hesitation in my manner. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes, imagining Ursula's shocked face when I went to her house anyway. I yawned. The woman was about to learn that I wasn't in the mood to be pushed around any longer.