A Wager Of The Heart

40. Decisions are reached

::Charity::

I fled down the hall and rushed through the servant's hall and out of the door into the garden and beyond. My emotions were roiling inside of me, a violent mixture of happiness and pain, fear and comfort. The sky was dark with the promise of rain, the ground squished under my feet as I ran around the edge of my sanctuary. I knew I was only running in the break of the storm that would rage all day and if I did not go back inside soon I would find myself soaked through to my skin.

I could not go back inside, not yet. I wasn't ready to face the condemnation of everyone as they judged me anew. It had been years since I cried and yet I felt just as weak as I fought the misting of my eyes. I ran to the base of the hill that led up to the lake and stopped to pick up my skirts. I ran full out as fast as I could for the only shelter I knew of. I refused to think as I fled. Just as thunder cracked overhead I crested the hill and saw the small covered gazebo. I raced down the hill and under its safety before I was completely soaked. 

I sat down heavily in the center of the room. I would not cry, I knew that with certainty but my emotions still trampled around inside of me. I could not be exactly what Ursula has claimed throughout the years. I could not take happiness from my sister without a care. I smiled despite myself as Geri's face, proud and defiant, came into my mind proclaiming me hers for all to here. 

I groaned and dumped my head into my hands. Geri didn't think it would matter but I knew she was wrong. I was nothing but a bastard to them. A social degenerate and a reason to pit and despise my sister. I could still hear their gasps ringing in my ears. I could feel their eyes burning into the back of my head, in almost every inch of my skin. How could Edi and Kent forgive Geri for having me as a sister, they would shun her and when our father returned they would send us home and hope no one knew they'd allowed a bastard in their home. Geri would be heartbroken and lonely again and it would be my fault. She would end her life unmarried and unloved like our father. Because they both chose me.

I sighed as I felt the initial shock and shame ebb away. I knew come morning I would be equipped to face them all and bear the brunt of their hatred. But today I just felt weak. I had fled from the poison in that woman's voice. That wasn't true, I reasoned carefully with myself, I fled from Kesler and the fear he raised by simply speaking to me. It was the last time he would see me flinch like that.

I remembered then what I'd been trying to ignore. Kent getting to his feet and demanding respect for me, a bastard. My heart both swelled and constricted at his actions, confusing me greatly. He would have risen to anyone's defense, I knew without a doubt he would, but it still felt personal somehow. I laughed at my own folly, it felt person because I was making it personal. I meant nothing more than a means to an end, he had said so himself, and Geri was in love with him, I reminded myself forcefully. 

"Poor Geri." I sighed as I whispered. He was a good man, I cautioned against my despair for her. He may try to hide it, he is very successful at doing so from almost everyone, but he is a good man. He will be good for Geri when they are together. I started and shook my head again lost in a torrent of pain and confusion. They would send us away and I would be the cause of my sister's greatest heartbreak.

I stamped down this new emotional wave and focused my attention elsewhere. The rain fell outside the small, dry haven with loud plops as it hit the wet ground and as it pounded on the unrelenting roof. I looked past the curtain and watched the surface of the small lake, normally serene, bubble and crash as the water filled it. It was a strange and peaceful moment as I saw the world erupting around me. 

"Charity."

I jumped to my feet when I heard the soft word. I turned and bowed, embarrassed as I watched her watch me. "Lady Edith."