J O S H
"Talk to me!" I can't, I really wish I could. You're my best fucking friend! "Just tell me what happened. No one is saying anything, and it scares me!" Because no one knows and no one ever will! Except for Ryder, he knew without me saying anything. I heard his screams from outside and it killed me!
I feel him. His anger radiates from the other room, and I wish so whole-heartedly that I could feel his touch, but I can't. God! I'm going to cry again.
"I'll be okay, I promise you Kit Kat." I know my smile is fake, but she doesn't call me out on it. When she pulls me into a hug, I want to scream. My whole body feels foreign to me and any touch I want to scrub my skin until it's raw!
"Katrina, we should go." Thank you, River. I hate it, but I want to be alone as much as I can be.
"You, need to not tell me what to do!"
"You are definitely a bratty princess."
"Kit Kat." Her head whips back towards me after giving him a death glare most likely. "You should be with your son, not worrying about me."
"It's been a month, Joshy Pooh." I know, and he is still out there! I don't want to leave, I'm deathly afraid. "I just want you to be okay."
"I promise I am getting there." I lied. I'm far from okay. I'm fucking terrified!
"Okay, I am not leaving Texas until you do."
"I love you. Now go be with your son and give him a kiss for me." Kissing my head, I refrain from shaking as she gets up to leave.
"I love you, bestie." Hopefully I will be better soon, so I can act normal around her. Around everyone!
The moment the door closes a breath escapes my lungs as the tears fall. I know he is here, but I cannot even look up at him. His anguish is my anguish. My pain is his pain. I fucking hate this! I hate that I cannot move on from this.
"Do you need anything baby?"
How can you still be here? I'm disgusting, tainted! I'll never be the same.
"You should go home, Ryder." Go. Stay, I can't make up my damn mind!
"I'm not going anywhere."
Reading me like an open book, it frustrates me and makes me love him even more.
"Why?"
"I love you, my light."
I'm not light. I'm darkness, misery and pain. Angry. I'm fucking so damn angry! I can't love him the way I want to. The way I should!
"Just stop it!" Jumping up from the couch, he takes a step back to make sure he doesn't touch me. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much! "How can you still fucking love me when I can't look you properly in the eyes! Let alone let you try to t-touch..." I gasp out, as angry tears fall once again. "T-touch me. Besides why would you want to after..."
He fucking ruined that! Just thinking about it makes me want to rip my skin off!
I can't even say it out loud!
The urge to scratch at my skin is rising to the surface, but I stop myself. I can't let him see me self-destruct even more. I'll wait until I'm alone in my bed. Where I miss him even more, but I'm not ready for that, not sure when I will be.
"Do you trust me?"
My head snaps up and I stare into his eyes. Damn it! Fuck! The bags under his eyes indicates he doesn't sleep well like I haven't. Sometimes at night I wake up to see him asleep in the chair by my bed. He shouldn't have to deal with this!
"Of course I do."
Even through all this, that is one thing that hasn't waivered.
"Close your eyes."
"I can't." Shaking my head, as fear takes over again. "I see him." His hands clench into fists as he takes a deep breath.
"I promise you if it kills me he will fucking pay!" Please don't say that! A world without him in it is unimaginable. "I want to help you, please let me. I feel helpless."
Taking a breath, I find the courage to do as he asks. My whole body shakes as I see his face.
"Breathe baby, it's just you and me. You're safe. I will never let you get hurt again." He can't guarantee that! No one can! "Remember when we first met." A small smile forms my lips as I nod. "Good boy."
Warmth fills my body. How does he do it?
"You were so handsome."
"Were? Am I ugly now?" He chuckles and it's music to my ears. I haven't heard his laughter or my own in so long.
"N-no!"
"Well that's good to know."
I can feel his smile and my own lips twitch.
"I met this amazing man. I didn't know it at the time, but he became everything to me."
My eyes open and see the soft smile played on his lips. "You changed my life for the better."
"Ryder." He steps forward with his hand reaching towards me and I flinch. The hurt in his eyes makes the tears fall again. "This will never work if I fucking flinch every damn time!"
"Trust me. I won't touch you unless you ask." He lifts his hand again as I try not to shake as it gets closer to me. "Imagine my touch like it used to be." His hand hovers near my skin that I feel the heat from it. "Let me give you what I can. Just feel me!" When his thumb traces my lips without touching. I feel it! "If this is all we get. I will take it. Just don't let me live without you. I can't!"
I feel every place his hand hovers over my face.
"Just let me love you, because I can't stop. Frankly, I don't want to. You may not see it now, but you still are light and you will shine bright again."
"C-Cowboy!"
"Fuck!" Tears fall down his face. My hand instinctively go to wipe them off, but freeze right before doing so. "I missed you calling me that."
"I miss you."
"I really want to hug you." I do too! "You are in control, Josh. We go at your pace, okay."
I bring my body close to his again. Shaking but I will myself to calm down as much as I can. It's just Ryder the love of my fucking life! Get it together! My lips hover over his. I want to move closer but my demons get the best of me as I step back quickly.
"Progress." His smile shines brightly.
Right now he is my light out of this darkness. Who knows maybe he is right, because I couldn't even be this close to him twenty-four hours ago.
Progress. A small warmth fills my soul as I look into his eyes again. Please let us get through this! I don't want to live without him.
"Just give me time."
YOU ARE READING
Never Say Never
General Fiction(Completed)Book 5 of the It Just Happened Series. (This can be read as a stand-alone book, however there is mentions of the characters in the other books as well.) Ryder Dawson has just come home from his last tour of duty broken and lost. He does n...
