Never Say Never

61. Never Be the Same

             ⚠️Warning! This chapter has a sexual assault in it. It is not too graphic or go into too much depth of it. Just wanted to warn you.

                                                                                      J O S H

"Everything is going to be okay." 

No, it's not! Nothing is fucking okay! I left my soul back there with Ryder back at the airport. Everything I said to him was a complete fucking lie! I know he loves me, and fuck, do I love him. 

"Josh, we are here." I look around and wish I was not back here at all. I have no choice though because I have put everyone at risk.

"Thanks, Connor. I really appreciate this."

"Don't worry about it. This place no one knows about it. It belongs to a buddy of mine who said we can use it for as long as we need to. However, I would like to know what the hell is going on."

I knew this was going to happen. When I talked to Jaxon, he asked me who I trusted to look after me and Connor came to mind. He was there for me when my father forced him as my detail. I thought it would be weird, but he has become a real good friend. Walking into the cottage we sit down, and I explain everything. 

The last few weeks have been hell. I got messages about my father, Ryder, his family, Kat. Everyone I fucking cared about! I couldn't even tell my best friend what was going on. I thought I was going insane because as soon as I got the messages they disappeared. 

"We'll figure it out. In the meantime, it is late, and you look like shit!" That earns a chuckle out of me because it is true. I do not remember the last time I had a proper night sleep. "I'll show you to your room. Also, if you need to get out and just walk around let me know." Nodding my head, I follow him to the room designated for me.

"Good night, Connor." 

"Good night, Rainbow. We'll figure this all out in the morning." Again, I just nod as my bottom lip trembles. Any moment I am going to break down again. Connor turns around to look at me one last time. "You really do love him, don't you?"

"He's a part of me Connor, in every way imaginable. I'm one thousand percent in love with him."

"Even if he is a dickhead." The troubled look on his face has me confused.

"He is really great, just not around most people. Ryder loves wholeheartedly and very protective of those he cares about."

"Then he's lucky to have you."

Had! He had me, and I let him go. The one thing I said I would never do! After everything is said and done, I'm afraid he will never take me back. Connor leaves and I wallow in self-pity because of everything that has happened, and what I had to do.

"I miss you."

It hasn't even been twenty-four hours and it feels like years to me.  How am I going to live without him? I'm afraid to close my eyes, because when I do it's the tormented look on his face as I walked away.

I did this!

I never meant to fall in love with him, it just happened. The bastard wormed his way into my heart even when he wasn't even trying! Hugging the pillow close to my body, hoping that sleep will take me away to better days.

"It's been two weeks Connor!" I know I shouldn't take it out on him. I'm sleep deprived, my body aches, I have barely eaten anything. I'm wasting away!

"I know that, Josh!" He snaps back and it shocks me, because he has been nothing but understanding. Pinching the bridge of his nose as he looks up from his computer he sighs. For some strange reason he seems different, but then he gives me that small smile I remember all those years ago. "I'm sorry. How about we go for a walk. Take our minds off of everything. This will be good. Maybe give us some clarity on everything and start at square one again."

"Yeah, I think we both need that. I'm sorry Connor."

"It's okay, Rainbow. It's still light out let's go before the sun sets. There is this place that has a great view."

"Okay." I agree, but for some reason my mind is screaming at me to just stay here and figure all this shit out. I need Ryder not a damn walk! I can see Connor getting impatient and I know I have not been all sunshine and rainbows since we got here. Faking a smile as I get up and walk towards him. "Let's do this!"

Ryder always said I was his light, but I think that he is mine. Now I am in darkness without him. Following Connor out I take in my surroundings, and it really looks peaceful here. 

"Was there any progress of finding out who is behind this?"

He waves my question off as he looks back at me with annoyance. I really need to calm the fuck down, or I might not have him trying to help me figure this out. 

"Just twenty minutes without this shit, okay!" I nod my head and regret fills me for even asking him. I should have just done this on my own, even if I do not know shit about it. "Almost there." Grabbing my hand, he drags me forward. It feels wrong to have another man's hand in mine. Trying to yank it free but his grip tightens. 

"Connor." He doesn't say anything but pulls me forward. Something is definitely not right. Warning bells are going off in my head, but his grip tightens he more. "What the hell Connor?! Let me the fuck go!" 

"I don't know what the fuck he sees in you!" The venom that leaves his lips has got me on high alert now. "He doesn't even fucking know, and the idiot is in love with you!"

"Fuck you!" I try to get my arm out of his vice like grip and that seems to anger him.

My body shakes and now I know I made the biggest mistake coming here. I should have stayed with Ryder and figured it all out. We could have run away together until we figured it all out.

I'm sorry Cowboy, so fucking sorry!

His menacing laugh makes me shake even more. What the fuck is wrong with him?

"I bet he wouldn't be in love with you, if I ruined you." Has he gone mad! It's not like he is even talking to me now. "I'll show him, and you."

Trying to take a step back he yanks me towards him as his lips crash onto mine. This is not happening! He forces his tongue into my mouth as tears run down my face. Please don't do this. 

"I'll ruin you where no one will ever want you again. Not your father, not your fucking precious Stryker!" 

How the fuck does he know that name?

I have no chance of anything as I am pushed down to the ground. One of his hands clamp my wrists tightly above my head as he pulls my sweats down.

"Please don't do this, Connor."

That sickening laugh echoes in my ears as I feel him push his way inside me. Crying out in pain, I shut my eyes tightly. The feel of his tongue running over my body as he has his way with me makes the bile rise up in my throat.

"I'm not Connor."  My eyes open wide at his words and that damn laugh will haunt me for the rest of my life. "My brother is a fucking idiot. I should kill you now like you made me kill him!"

"Oh God!"

More tears fall down my face as he has defiles me and I wish that I was dead at this very moment. If I just stayed with Ryder none of this would have happened. It's all my fault. Connor is dead because of me. Zach is in a coma and probably will never wake up because he was involved with me. I'm toxic! When I feel no movement, I pray that it is over. 

"It's time for me to pay daddy dearest a visit. Get what is mine from the bastard that has taken everything from me! My mother! My twin brother! Everything!"

This guy is crazy. He killed Connor and might as well have killed me.

I listen, but I feel nothing at this moment. Wishing I can move but I just want the ground to swallow me and take me to my death. The bastard was right he ruined me! How am I going to survive this?

I will never be the same and will never look at a sun set the same again.

A/N: The next few chapters will be sad and heartbreaking, but I promise you that things will get better before the end.

Until next time.

💋Lexi 💞