J O S H
The past month and half have been hell for everyone. Kat has been staying with Johnny's parents, the one time she did go to their house and broke down. She scared the living crap out of me. I was afraid for her and the baby but somehow, she came through and I think it had to do with River. That man knows how to push her buttons sometimes I fear for his life.
"Why are you doing this. You know she is going to kill you." I asked River when he stopped by to give us an update on what really happened with Johnny's crash. Unfortunately, we are at a standstill with that. There is no trace of whoever is doing this, it's like they are a damn ghost. "It's better for her to take her anger out on me than sit around and be depressed. It's not good for her or the baby." I look at him skeptically and he laughs. "Before you even ask, no I do not have feelings for her. I made a promise to Johnny. I won't break that promise, and when I know she is good, where she knows she can get on with life then I will be gone." I honestly don't know if that is a good thing or not.
I turn over and watch my Cowboy sleep, I think it is the first time since his best friend's death that he got a goodnight sleep. His nightmares have come worse than I've seen them and every time I bring him back, he cowers away from me, and that hurts. Once he recognizes it's me, he pulls me to him and does not let go. I just wish he would let me in enough to help him through this, but I guess that is something he has to fight on his own. I just have got to accept that.
As for me the guilt of everything has been eating away at me and I feel like I have not slept since that day. Everyone tells me that I didn't do anything wrong, but I did. I should have walked away and none of this would have happened to him. I was selfish because I wanted to be with Ryder, and I'm still selfish because I can't let him go.
Ryder begins to stir, and I think he is waking up, but I am wrong yet again. "No, don't...please don't. Take me instead." My eyes begin to water as I stroke his face with my fingers.
"Cowboy." He cries out and my heart breaks in two. I know he will kill me for this, but I can't take this pain anymore. I hate seeing him suffer, so I straddle his waist and lean down to kiss him. His eyes spring open wide and flips me over as he hovers above me. I move his sweaty hair from his eyes. "Josh." His lips crash onto mine and he holds me tight to him, tighter than I am used to, but I take is as he devours my lips. When he pulls away, I gasp for air as he shakes his head. "I thought..." I was going to ask him what, but his lips are on mine, as he pulls me up until I'm in his lap. Once my lips are swollen, he releases them and buries his face in the crook of my neck.
"We need to go to the store." I say as rub my hand up and down his back, trying to soothe whatever is troubling him.
"Okay. Let's take a shower." He doesn't let go of me as he gets up off the bed and I let out a yelp and he chuckles. "I got you." I know you do, just like I always got you. We get in the shower, and he just holds onto me. "I'm sorry." I look up at him confused and he brushes my wet hair out of my face. "I know it hasn't been easy lately." I just nod my head then look down, because I don't want to think about it anymore it just hurts too much. Ryder tilts my chin up and I look deep into his eyes. "She'll come around I know she will." I feel the lump in my throat because I miss my best friend so much. He leans down and gives me a soft reassuring kiss.
God, I love you Ryder Dawson.
I just won't say it out loud again after the last time I did. It led to a huge argument. "Don't tell me that Josh." I look at him dumbfounded because I have said it before and he would just hug me, kiss me or call me his light. This time is different he is shaking with rage, and I don't understand it. "I don't deserve it and love is for fucking idiots." He slams his fist into the wall. "What does it get you, nothing but fucking heartbreak Look at fucking Katrina." I flinch when he mentions her. "She fucking loved him and now what he's fucking gone!" He slumps down to the ground, and I rush over to him and hold him tight.
"I promise, I won't say it again." He holds me tight and kisses my shoulder. "If love is not involved, I won't lose you." He's not making sense but in a way I understand. He has lost so much, and he is afraid if he loves someone, he is going to lose them. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We lose loved ones all the time.
I pull out of my thoughts as I hear the water turn off. "Where'd you go?" Ryder looks at me with concern and I bite my lip from stopping myself from saying those three little words. "Nothing let's get dressed and go get some food. I'm starving." I give him a smile and I hope it is good enough even if it is fake. He studies me for a moment and lets out a deep breath and nods before we get out and dry off.
We are all pretending to be okay when we are so distraught, we just don't know how to get back to the way we were. I miss us the way it was, hopefully we can get back to that sooner than later. I take a deep breath and stare at his back and hot damn he is one fine specimen, even with his battle scars. I vow to try and get back to a semi normal life again, because even though we lost someone dearly life does go on, and I know Johnny would hate us all being like this.
I decide to jump on Ryder's back and wrap my legs around his waist, which almost made us tumble to the ground. My man is strong and does not fall. "What the hell Josh?" He lets out a small chuckle and that makes me genuinely smile. I kiss his neck and I feel the goosebumps form on his body. We haven't really been intimate lately and that's fine. Although I do miss the sex, but I love moments where I can make him smile or cuddle up with me.
"Giddy up Cowboy."
He turns his head to the side to look at me, shakes his head and smiles brightly at me. "You are something else Josh Harlan."
"It better be a good thing." I wiggle my eyebrows at him and that makes him laugh.
"A very good thing." I smile brightly at him before I lean my head towards him and let my lips brush against his.
"Good, now feed me Cowboy, before I get hangry." He laughs some more as I make growling sound at him.
"Heaven, forbid we let that happen my little twink."
I smack him on the back before I slide down his body, and oh boy it feels just as good this way as it does when I am face to face with him. He pulls me to him and hugs me tight, I reciprocate. I never want to let this man go.
Sometimes we pretend to be okay, but at this moment I have hope that maybe we will not have to pretend any longer and maybe, just maybe that we will be okay.
YOU ARE READING
Never Say Never
General Fiction(Completed)Book 5 of the It Just Happened Series. (This can be read as a stand-alone book, however there is mentions of the characters in the other books as well.) Ryder Dawson has just come home from his last tour of duty broken and lost. He does n...
