MATHONGA

Chapter 76

MATHONGA-

Baba and Zakhe are home, you can barely tell they almost joined the underground family today. I’m glad they both have people to take care of them, I thought Bongiwe would fuss over my brother, but no… she’s as chilled as a cucumber. 

I don’t blame her, he has put her through a lot. Nevertheless, it’s not my job to criticise him or the decisions he takes. It’s his life.

Ndleleni has gone from stone cold to timid, he’s not the Ndleleni I know. I can’t imagine what it could be that has him walking on egg shells. Ntaba had to leave us at the hospital, he didn’t mention his destination. 

I need to talk to him, get him to move back home. It doesn’t feel right when he is not around, same as Hlabela. I miss him so much, it freaks me out. We have never been apart, all of us have never lived separately.  

I’m on my way to the throne room when I receive a text message from Nala’s therapist, Dr Jarman. She says Nala missed two sessions this week, I forgot to do a follow-up with her. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I’ve been so caught up with family matters that I couldn’t find time to attend to her. 

“Sthandwa sami,” I say in greeting, hoping the guilt in me won’t expose me. Her soft giggles put me at ease. 

“I saw the news, is everyone okay? Do you want me to come down there?” She says very subtly. 

“They are fine, you don’t have to come. How is Thobani?” 

“He’s improving, he’s even talking.”

“That’s nice,” good news is always nice to hear. “So I just got a text from your psychologist, he said you missed two sessions this week. What’s going on Nala?” 

Silence welcomes and worries me. She recently started therapy, missing sessions would pull her back into that dark place. 

“Are you still there?” 

“I am,” she says, a little less hesitant. I get the feeling that she doesn’t want to talk about it. 

“It’s the only way you can heal.” 

“Who said I need healing?” Ridiculous, everybody needs healing from something. 

“I’m not going to answer that, you are not a child Nala. What you went through…” 

“What I went through has nothing to do with anyone, it’s my business. Why must I sit on a sofa and tell a stranger that I’ve been having sex with an older man against my will since I was a little girl.” 

She’s burning bridges, scraping wounds that have mucus. 

When Nala told me that Petros had been sexually abusing her, not once did she use the word rape. She’s not comfortable using that word, instead has used the language such as, “I had sex with him and I didn’t want to… he touched me without my permission I guess.”

“Sthandwa sami, I know you want to forget it happened, but it will keep screaming louder until you acknowledge it. Keeping it bottled up will breed anger, and that anger will eventually eat you up inside. The last thing you want is to take it out on the people you love, on Thobani.” 

“It’s not fair Mathonga, it’s not fair that I have to relive those years. I don’t want to talk about about him.” 

“You’re right it’s not fair, but you can’t run away from your problems. They will always find you. You’re still young Nala, you have your whole life ahead of you. Harbouring it will only hinder you, if not for yourself then do it for Thobani. You’re the only mother he has, how will you love him right when you’re carrying so much on your shoulders? But doing it for yourself should be your biggest motivation, you deserve a better life.”