Together

80. I Need You

Tell me how's it feel, sitting up there?
Feeling so high, but too far away to hold me
You know I'm the one who put you up there
Name in the sky does it ever get lonely?
-Halsey ILLENIUM Remix

JJ sits in algebra, head spinning and it's not just from the equations he can't focus on. It's been three hours and he thought he was doing pretty good. He keeps track of the time so he can cover his ears before the bell rings and has been talking to his teachers about his concussion so he can wear his aviators in class, which helps with the light significantly.

As he sits in his desk none of that appears to matter. He gave up relatively quickly on being able to concentrate hard enough to take notes. He didn't realize that thinking and writing would be such a huge energy drain, but it feels like lifting a car when he attempts it. That left him to just sit and listen. Of course that's never been his strong suit either.

His mind quickly moved to the conversation he overheard Shoupe and Darcy having and since then it's all he could think about. Should've just left with Kie when she offered.

He tried to work out what he was feeling about it, picking each thing apart piece by piece, like he does with Dani. Breaking it up makes it easier to process. Like taking smaller bites so you don't choke.

First thing he focuses on is Darcy confronting Shoupe about threatening Luke. He hadn't seen that happen that night. At first he immediately thought Luke was making shit up, but then Shoupe didn't deny it, so it had to be true. He had no idea what to make of that let alone how to feel. He couldn't see a world in which Shoupe did something so stupid.

Then there was Luke altogether, busting down the doors to DCS, asking for his caseworker, talking about how he's gonna petition for fucking visitation. JJ pushes that thought even farther away. He couldn't fathom being in the same room as Luke after he reported him. He honestly didn't know if the guy would be able to hold himself back. Wondered to himself if this were just a ploy to get him in a room so he could enact revenge.

He wonders what lies Luke will tell the courts to get them to allow it. How much effort would he really put into this? Sadly, when it came to revenge, JJ know all too well the Luke won't stop at much.

JJ never considered that if he could take legal action then so could Luke. It felt like a twisted game that he was bound to lose in. No matter what he did, his dad just kept coming back. He filed for a protection order, Luke files for visitation. How those two things could exist at the same time made zero sense to him, but the way Darcy was chastising Shoupe that must be possible.

It all made him feel out of control and powerless. The more he thoughts about it the deeper the feeling in his throat. It's getting harder to breathe.

Shit. Like it's really hard to breathe.

He looks at the clock. They still have more than half the class.

Fuck.

He closes his eyes tightly, holding the corner of his chest as he tries to find air. There's no air in this room. He's not safe here. He's not safe at home. Luke is everywhere. No matter what he does or where he goes he'll always be trapped by the man.

He feels the anxiety propel him upwards and out of his desk like it's not in his control. Like something is climbing out of him.

"Ms. Taylor, I'm not feeling well, can I go to the nurse," he says abruptly, causing nearly every head in the class to simultaneously turn towards him. Ms. Taylor observes the class and then gives him a sympathetic nod. She'd been the nicest when he explained what happened with the surfing accident.