Once a Stranger

Chapter 90: Cold feet and a flirt

Pov Scar

I don't regret proposing to y/n, not at all.

I am wondering if it was too early though. She didn't do anything that made me doubt our compatibility, I'm just having second thoughts.
Before I met her, I already had two failed marriages and I don't intend to add a third one to that. Especially not because it would break Rose's heart and mine too.

Weirdly enough I don't doubt that y/n will continue to be an amazing mother to Rose, no matter what happens between us. She won't just forget about Rose and we would have to figure it out if we got divorced. I'm not trying to manifest the divorce but I am worrying about it. But I feel like that's a valid thing to worry about if you had two divorces before.
Even though I'm glad I'm not with either one of my ex-husbands anymore, it was still a very hard time. There were feelings involved and I did love them, otherwise I wouldn't have married them.

Getting divorced always hurts and it took a while to build myself up again each time. Looking back, my feelings were never as strong as they are now, which is a good sign that this will work. That also means it will hurt even more if it doesn't and that scares me a lot.

I don't think I can take another divorce, not with y/n. I just want to be happy and have a family of my own.
Yes, I have Rose and I love her with all my heart but I want a bigger family. I want a partner and another child or two. In theory I could get pregnant alone if I picked a doner but I surely won't do that. Handling two kids as a single mom is a lot of work and everyone who does that has my deepest respect.
But I want to do this with a partner by my side and I really hope it's gonna be y/n.

What if she's not the right one though? What if I'm just not meant to be married?
Getting a divorce is so much harder than just splitting up and I'm not sure if I got the energy to go through the whole process a third time.
Maybe the proposal was a little too early, maybe we should have waited longer and made sure we really work together. But that's not changeable now because the wedding is in almost four days, pushing it back would just cause chaos.

The only thing that would work is cancelling the wedding completely and putting this on ice.
Just thinking about that and the broken expression of y/n makes my heart grow heavy though. I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't look her in the eyes and tell her I don't want to marry her right now. It's not a forever decision, it's just for now... No, I couldn't do that.
A part of me tells me to just take off and be a run-away-bride but that would be even worse. Running away isn't the answer to this and I know it.

But the thought of the wedding freaks me out a little. I don't want her to become ex-partner number three...

"What are you doing here this late?" I hear a familiar voice but don't turn around and continue looking out onto the sea.

"Or should I say early?" She asks and I hear shuffling behind me before a blanket is placed over my shoulders.

It's not really warm during the night but I didn't bother taking a blanket with me, my thoughts were too loud when I woke up an hour ago.
I'm not even sure where these thoughts are coming from but they were just there.

She goes inside again to grab another blanket for herself while I secretly wipe away the tear that has been rolling down my cheek.
Just thinking about calling off the wedding made me sad and broke me but I'm afraid it will break me even more if we get divorced at some point.

"Wanna tell me what's going on?" She asks softly, her voice a little raspy from sleep and she sounds tired overall. But who wouldn't be at 5 am?

"Why are you awake?" I ask back, not quite ready to answer her question yet. I don't mean it in a bad way, I just wanna know what woke her up.