Wines And Guns

10.

Around 4 hours had passed by. Porsche had locked himself in their bedroom. Not their anymore. Kinn's bedroom. His eyes were hurting, his heart was hurting. He just laid on the floor and continued going through the pictures. It felt like he had no right to be there. All his messages were gone unseen and his calls unanswered. There was no point in trying because Kinn had blocked him. He found himself all alone again. This won't have happened if he wouldn't have pushed Kinn to tell him about Khwan. It felt as if anyone would barge inside any moment and throw him out. He had no place in that house anymore. His eyes were shutting close. He hadn't slept properly in days. He missed how Kinn used to touch his forehead and place a kiss. After an entire day's of work Kinn's hug felt like a relief. It was like he went everyday only with the hope of returning to Kinn at night. Now he had nothing to come back home for. No one to live for. He couldn't be there for Porchay, couldn't handle work, could do nothing for his mother's recovery and now had lost the person he loved. That coldness and anger in Kinn's eyes haunted him. His hands were shaking. His throat was dry. He had no energy left in his body. He would've preferred Kinn killing him at the moment. Ending his misery and suffering. But he left him without any hope. Which was way worse than any death. He didn't know how to face Kinn anymore. In just matter of moments he had lost his everything. He felt the tears coming up again. He felt the burden of every sorrow he had carried till this point.

"Kinn please.... please forgive me.... please I'm so sorry. I can't take this anymore. It really hurts. Please please please please come back".

He was talking to himself. Nobody was there to hear him.

"Please Kinn... hit me if you want. Kill me if you want but please don't leave like this. Please I can't take this..."

He sat up. His entire body felt weak. He had a headache and trouble breathing. His throat felt sore. He was developing fever. Kinn had cut him off as if he never existed in his life. He had never been this helpless before. He needed to leave the mansion and go somewhere. Anywhere but not there. But he also feared that this will be the last time he was in this room. Everything around the room smelled like Kinn. He stood up and collected his things from the room. He picked up his wallet. Even with all the horrid things he was feeling that picture made him smile. Seeing Kinn so happy always made him feel elated. He held the picture close to his heart. Maybe if he was gone then Kinn would found happiness again. Kinn had been so upset since last few months. All because of him. No wonder he.... left him. Porsche picked up his bag and walked out of the room.

Instead of going home he went to Minor Family mansion and into his office. He was getting sweatier and more tired every passing minute. He started going through all the pending paperworks and files. He wasn't working properly since last few days. The sudden collapse of Minor Family had pushed all the burden onto the shoulders of Main Family. Kinn was working relentlessly to balance and keep everything in control. Porsche was very new to this buisness so he wasn't really much of a help. Sometimes he felt like a clueless kid who didn't know what to do. He must've felt like another burden on Kinn.

*

Kinn sat quietly in the hotel room. Now that he was left all alone in the hotel room the reality hit him. He had done everything during the day to keep himself distracted. Khwan's presence kept him alert and somewhat irritated the whole day. The only reason he was doing this was his father. It was like an old wound on his heart was stinging again.

He picked up his phone. He couldn't believe what he himself had done. How could he ever do that to Porsche? He could hear his own heart beating and his hands shaking. How could he abandon someone he couldn't bear to be a moment away from. He unblocked Porsche's number. There were uncountable missed calls and messages. Every message was Porsche begging Kinn to forgive him and come back. He felt a knot in his stomach as he went through the messages. He couldn't handle to see Porsche sound so broken and hurt. He had done irreparable damage. He had caused Porsche the pain he was always too scared to go through. He had been treating Porsche so bad since so long yet Porsche came back to him everytime even when he didn't deserve it. He could never apologise for this. Because he couldn't forgive himself for doing that to Porsche.

He called Porsche even though he wasn't sure what to say. Just break his heart and say sorry while expecting everything to get back to normal again. Porsche didn't deserve that. He tried several times but couldn't reach Porsche. He started to feel worse. He couldn't get Porsche's face out of his mind. The tears and terror on his face when Kinn told him that their relationship was done was appaling. He had abruptly ended their conversation and left Porsche all alone in the room just like he had done previously. He was the one abandoning Porsche in every situation. He called Arm to check if Porsche was still in Main Family Mansion. Then he called Porsche's personal bodyguard.

"Khun Porsche has been in his office since morning. He's really busy in work".

"Work? He had fever why is he working? Did he rest or eat any medicines?"

"He locked himself in as soon as he came back from Main Family mansion and refused to eat anything the entire day."

"I'm unable to reach him on his phone. Can you give him the phone?"

"Sure sir."

He heard it over the phone as the door opened and closed. Porsche was the one holding the phone now. Kinn could feel the heavy silence over the call.

"Porsche?"

There was no answer from the other side.

"Porsche.... are you there? Can you hear me?"

The call was cut. Kinn's stomach sank. He couldn't imagine what Porsche must be going through because of him. He left Porsche broken when he needed him the most. Porsche was sick and drowning himself in work. Kinn had caused exactly what he had feared.

Porsche laid his head on the table breaking into sobs. Since last so many hours he had been so desperate to hear Kinn's voice. But when he got to hear it he couldn't handle it. He was too scared to hear anything that Kinn had to say anymore. He couldn't take it anymore. He felt scared with the thought of facing Kinn and at the same time could do anything to see him again. He had been so foolish. He didn't mean to hurt Kinn that way but had done worse.

*

Porsche went to sit beside Namphueng. As always she was busy in her own world and didn't bother looking up at him. It was always like this. Everytime he felt like there was some progress in her health and she could recognise him but the next it was all back to square one.

"How are you ma?"

She continued sitting quietly looking towards the other direction.

"I'm sorry I wasn't around much last few days. Porchay came to visit you daily though."

She glanced at him for a moment and looked away again.

"Back in those days whenever I had any stories and complaints from school I used to run up to you first to tell. Do you remember ma?"

Porsche couldn't take it anymore. He got up and hugged Namphueng. He began to cry bitterly. All those bottled up feelings over the years.

"Kinn left me ma.... He said he didn't love me anymore. It was all my fault... I-I don't understand what to do. I hate myself. I don't know how to apologise to him. He left me all alone. He looked at me with so much hate...".

Namphueng seemed uncomfortable. She got up and walked away, closing the door behind her. Porsche cried harder. He didn't have a single shoulder to cry upon. His tears felt fake and worthless to him. They meant nothing. He meant nothing.

Porsche went back to his old home. It was the only place where he felt like he belonged all these years. He locked himself in his room. He needed to do something to relieve himself. To have something that outshone the pain in his heart. He noticed the empty glass kept near the bed side cabinet.

Porsche laid on his bed. He was feeling really sleepy. The mattress was soaked in parts with his blood. Still that didn't help him.

"Kinn... why won't you talk to me? I'm really sorry... I really am. What should I must do to prove that? I'll do anything you say. I promise. I love you so much Kinn. I really do. I love you."

He still had tears in his eyes as he fell asleep.