Wines And Guns

6.

Kinn watched Porsche sleep. He was holding Kinn as if he was scared. Scared of waking up all alone and never see him again. Kinn knew more than anyone how that felt. He had that small, petty argument with Porsche to comfort him. He had seen how stressed and hurt Porsche was since last few days. But it felt like they still needed to discuss that. He had to be careful to not worry Porshe any further.

"Porsche... Are you awake?"

Porsche shifted slowly and turned his back on Kinn.

"Are you still upset?"

"No"

Kinn kissed his back gently.

"It's okay. I know how to say sorry".

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

Kinn could only rub his back gently. Porsche was clearly very upset at him. Kinn needed to make sure he doesn't break Porsche's heart in the process. But it felt like he was doing that right now.

"I'm right here. I'll tell Papa that we're taking a day off today".

He kissed Porsche's cheek.

"We will do everything you want to do the entire day."

It had been long since they went out on a date or spent some proper time with eachother. Porsche had tried a lot of things to make Kinn happy but they didn't work. He simply couldn't get Kinn to really relax and enjoy. Kinn was always stressed and on high alert.

Kinn had decided to stay back with Porsche at this old home. Porsche made lunch while Kinn went through the old stuff in boxes and shelves.

"Porsche you like drawing?"

Porsche turned back to see Kinn holding an old sketchbook.

"Ma used to teach me how to draw. She drew beautifully. I stopped practicing long ago".

"I see the phoenix. Just like your tattoo".

Kinn continued to rummage through the old boxes.

"Look! These are your toys right?"

"Ugh... Yes Ma had bought those for me when I was very young".

Kinn was sitting like a curious child and going through the drawings and toys. It was impossible to tell that this man had killed people.

They returned back to the Main Family manor that evening. Kinn went back to look after all the work he had missed during the day. He had promised Porsche that they will have dinner together.

Porsche went back to search for the old albums he had found. There was a whole collection of them. Memories captured over the years. Porsche decided to go through the ones that looked the most recent. Those looked like they belonged to Kinn. All pictures were of him. It felt like he was watching the pictures of a different person. So happy and carefree. He smiled seeing Kinn smile in the pictures. His family meant so much to him. Tawan... had meant so much to him. All his pictures were with Tawan were so bright and hopeful. He had never seen Kinn happier. He was truly in so much love. If only Tawan wouldn't have betrayed him... Kinn would be so much more happier now. He would've probably already had his own family. Leading a life where he could trust people. Maybe he wouldn't have had to go through what he was going through now. All those smiles were true without any stress or hesitation. If only Kinn could smile like that again. Kinn had done everything to make him happy. He recieved nothing in return. He was no longer happy like the pictures. He never smiled like that when they kissed or went on a date. He was too hesitant to show any of his emotions. Or share his thoughts. He was worried that the people he loved would all abandon him. His mother, Tawan, Vegas, Gun. Porsche had left him too. No matter what he tried he always messed it up. Then Kinn assured him that it's fine that things aren't perfect. It was always like that. The most he could do for Kinn now was to make sure to not make his life anymore difficult. He needed to spend sometime with Porchay too. It had been long since they got time to just sit and chill together. Chay seemed sad about not hearing back from the university. In between all these new buisness he had totally neglected him. His brother had always cared and thought after him. This was way more confusing and tiresome for him. He hoped to get Chay to meet Kinn's brother. He knew Chay had been a huge fan of him. Porsche was really shocked to find out that the young guy Chay idolized was Kinn's brother. This family could be really unpredictable.

He kept the albums with him. He sure felt a lot of guilt in doing so. He had no right to go through those. But those pictures felt like he was watching the true Kinn. Happy with his family and his boyfriend. Kinn had the biggest smile on his face in the pictures with his mother and Tawan. He lost both of them. There were pictures of him in a small caffe on his birthday. This year he had seen Kinn angry and completely stressed out due to the meeting. He wondered where Kinn had left that day. If he left then maybe... Kinn could find someone who made him as happy as he used to be. Maybe he will smile like that again, will no longer hesitate to express any of his emotions and have someone who could truly support him in everything. Maybe he will be gone for good this time. Nothing had been right since he met Kinn. And after all this Kinn still cared for him. Maybe he will move on and find someone he truly loved, someone who would take care of him rather than add to his problems. Isn't that what Kinn wanted too?

"Why don't you try to continue drawing now? You liked it so much as a kid. Also it's good to have a hobby that you enjoy. Something that doesn't involve making you drunk".

"I don't always drink while I'm making drinks. I was never that good in drawing anyway and I'm worse now. It was ma who used to teach me how to draw back then".

"Well... If I can sing then you can draw for sure."

Kinn squeezed his cheeks smiling at him. If only he could smile that happy often.

"You weren't even that bad. I was just in a mood to tease you. Maybe it caught me off guard cause I didn't expect you to sing infront of me like that".

"Maybe I should sing infront of you often then. Then you'll laugh."

"No really. You weren't that bad that day. I would like to hear you sing more often."

"I would definitely arrange a concert for you then. Though I believe the way you started laughing last time it would be more of a stand up comedy for you".

"No Kinn" Porsche leaned in to steal a kiss. He was feeling as if he was running out of time.

"I did like your singing".

"Porsche... Are you still sad?"

"No. Why would you ask that?"

"You just seem a little sad".

"I'm fine. I promise".

Kinn hugged him. Whenever Kinn was closer to him it felt like he couldn't even imagine about leaving that warmth. But when he saw him angry or worried he felt like it was all caused by him and him leaving would solve it.

Kinn was pinning him down on the bed kissing him. His touches were urgent yet gentle. He was extra affectionate today. He was sucking marks on Porsche's neck, his hands rubbing his thighs.

Porsche felt a lump in his throat. His anxiety was getting worse. He had craved for this love and affection for so long. Now that he had it he felt like he didn't deserve it at all. He felt terrified. Kinn didn't have that sparkle in his eyes anymore. He fel like... he was forcing himself on Kinn. He really didn't want to cry. His throat was hurting and eyes were already filled with tears. He turned to his side in a way to hide himself.

"Porsche are you okay? Are you crying?"

"No sorry I'm just really tired and-"

"No you don't have to explain yourself".

Kinn placed a hand over his eyes.

"Don't worry. We'll talk in the morning if you want. Go to sleep. I'm here".

Porsche knew holding onto his feelings would bring him no good. He needed to write back to Kinn on the diary.