Beautiful Days

Chapter 56 - A Stranger that You Love/Part 1-

"No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning."

- Haruki Murakami

The clearing...

I will forever have bad memories connected to this place.

The sun had just risen over Hanover, illuminating the trees and the snow covered ground. It glistened beautifully, but I couldn't quite appreciate the beauty of the clearing when I had to think about the reason why we were all assembled... I was leaning against one of the trees, dressed in extra warm clothes like a thick jacket, hat and boots, but I still felt cold. It wasn't quiet around me like this morning, this time there were more than 20 voices talking. Jasper tried to get everyone in their position in the formation that he and Emmett had worked out in the minimum time this morning. Especially Amun wasn't quite cooperative and I heard many groans from my sons, as some complained. Carlisle was always near them, trying to appease any complaints and hot tempers and thanked everyone once again for standing with us. Alice sat a bit further away from me, at the side of the clearing, curled up on a boulder, her eyes closed as she tried to pinpoint the exact time they would arrive.

Renesmee was sandwiched between her parents and Jacob, who was already in his wolf form together with Leah and Seth. Edward and Bella clearly tried to be strong for her, but she looked right through them as she hugged them both firmly. Kate and Garrett were in a close embrace and gazed into each other's eyes, forgetting everything around them. Eleazar held Carmen close, just as Benjamin talked quietly to his mate.

Goodbyes... All around me our friends and allies said goodbye. Surely not all of us will survive this battle. Goodbyes thus would be advisable, would be needed. Last words spoken, a last hug, a last caress, a last kiss...

My family was too engulfed in the planning to do that, they were in battle mode and in some way it was for the best, yet sobs rose as I looked at every face of my family. I hoped and prayed that I will see each of them again tonight... I couldn't bear it, I wouldn't know how to cope with the death of even one. I would be forever responsible for it. It was after all my fault we were standing here.

I could just throw myself at the Volturi, they might let my family go after all. It would be so easy... Just letting go...

I would never see them again, but they would live! They would have a chance to lead their lives, without me, but they at least had each other. I couldn't look at Carlisle as I considered my options, it was connected to too much pain. He surely wouldn't let me go, he would fight till the end for me, but I didn't want that. I wanted him to be the father of this family. He could take our children in his arms and see every step on their way. My decision would at least give them their father, we wouldn't have a guarantee of it if we'd go blindly into the fight.

I closed my eyes as all those thoughts ran through my head and after a moment my gaze automatically fixated on the sky. I love you, Carlie and Haven, I thought and hoped they knew we would always be there for them. How bittersweet the thought was... A happy united family again, just one person missing and that was me. I laughed quietly as I considered it. How surreal it seemed to me to not be there and to not be part of this family anymore.

I could at least try, it might not work, but it was the best option I had. With a relieved smile I sank to the floor against the tree. Maybe our chances weren't that bad, if only I would take actions...

I smiled relieved as I looked at my family again, they had a chance... I closed my eyes again and let my mind wander to the happier times when I still held my children in my arms.