Beautiful Days

Chapter 44 -Long Journey-

We had 3185 miles before us or in hours more than 48…

-Vermont: 7:00 pm-

Carlie and Haven fell nearly simultaneously asleep when we drove right through New Hampshire and crossed Vermont. We had nearly 7 o’clock and Carlie would now probably sleep through the night or that was what we were hoping. Carlisle and I didn’t talk much. We were both too deep in thought for talking, but after such a long time we didn’t need to speak, the presence of the other was enough. I watched the world around us swirling by as Carlisle sped away. I felt disturbingly numb for what we were about to do. But I thought it was a good thing, because I could at least have the last days to realize it all before falling into a deep black hole that I probably had no motivation to leave as soon as we had given our children away…

“It is strange, isn’t it?” Carlisle murmured after nearly two hours of silence.

“Hm?” I asked and looked at him.

“I can’t feel a thing… Nothing. I believe I have never been feeling so empty before…” he told me.

“I feel the same,” I sighed and lay my hand on his thigh. He sighed and lay his right hand on mine.

“Doubting isn’t helping much easier,” Carlisle chuckled darkly, but didn’t show me his face so that I could read his emotions.

“Without doubts we wouldn’t care… but we do and all we want is safety and happiness for them and of course we doubt that this is the right way,” I murmured. Carlisle looked through the rearview mirror at Carlie. I looked back as well: Carlie was sleeping, her head steadied by her car seat and her teddy was still in her left hand, but about to fall down. Carlisle reached back, leaving my hand for a second, and picked up her blue teddy to put it right back into her arms. Carlie sighed and cuddled it against her.

“You know, I have always understood the anxiety, worry and pain of parents in the hospitals I have worked in. Especially when it concerned small children and I could relate because of our five, but never to such a point as now. The sorrow a young mother felt when we had to give her the news of the most probably fatal disease of her newborn daughter or the despair of a father when he couldn’t do anything else than wait for his child to stabilize with the knowledge that we couldn’t do more than hope ourselves. At some point physicians develop a very thick skin or some other way to deal with the level of emotions we have to deal with every day…But not with our children… Even the smallest thing hurts right here,” Carlisle sighed and touched his heart for a second. “I know, we should be grateful that they are both healthy, but isn’t it even worse for parents to not know what will happen to your own flesh and blood…? I mean, the parents in the hospital are right there to see it unfold with either outcome,” he mumbled.

“You fear that something might happen to them?” I asked to understand him right.

“I fear it all…” he sighed.

“Carlisle, I need to know…” I whispered. He looked at me.

“You still believe that we have made the right decision, right?” Carlisle looked down and then focused back on the street. He inhaled deeply and then answered sincerely.

“I do. My heart just doubts it all.”

“Our hearts guided us to make this decision. And just for this time, we should listen to our minds after that,” I whispered.

“No more doubting, I promise,” he said and gave me a small smile.

“That will be impossible, but as long as we both think it is right, we have to live with our aching hearts,” I sighed.