Beautiful Days

Chapter 37 -Separated: Part 1-

I drove… I just drove… I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t know why or how I should ever come back… I didn’t even know where I really was… After I had driven past the city’s last houses I was surrounded by endless forests. The only orientation was the moon when it occasionally shone through the thick canopies of the trees. I hated myself, so much. Why did I run? But then again: I needed a time out. Time to think… I was so confused… I stopped Carlisle’s black Mercedes in the middle of nowhere and turned the lights off. I looked back at Carlie and Haven, but they were both sleeping deeply. I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes. The tears came fast and never seemed to stop after they had already started… “Stupid,” I growled and hit the stirring wheel. I leaned my forehead against the cool wheel and sobbed. “I always destroy everything,” I whispered and remembered Carlisle’s hurt face. Anger, guilt, betrayal, sadness… I felt so much when I remembered Carlisle that I didn’t knew what to feel anymore. I wanted to just drive back and hug him as close as possible and the next second I would like to push him far away… I heard Haven’s small whimpers from the back seat and I tried to calm my sobs at once. I turned around to see him better. His tiny face was crunched up as if he was about to cry, but he was still sleeping. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered and stroked his cheek. I looked at Carlie, sleeping peacefully in her car seat, and turned around to face the street again with determination. I couldn’t drive around all night with them… I started the car again and drove back to Hanover. It started to rain heavily halfway through and I had a hard time finding the way at all…

But somehow I found myself standing in front of our old house. I parked the car and got out of the car. The rain instantly soaked me and I was already shivering. I ran over to Carlie’s side and got her out. I carried her in one arm and with the other I lifted Haven’s car seat out of the car. “Esme?” I heard Edward’s voice from behind. I looked around and saw him standing on the front porch. I turned around fully to him and as he must have recognized me, he jogged over to me. “Esme?” he asked again. He took Haven from me and I clutched Carlie closer in order to shield her from the downpour. “Can we please stay here?” I asked half incomprehensible because I was shivering so much. Edward’s eyes widened with surprise. “Of course,” he said at once and guided me back to the house. “What happened? Where’s Carlisle?” Edward asked as soon as we stepped into the hall. Edward looked back to Carlisle’s car perplexed before he closed the front door. Bella walked curiously into the hall from the living room. She took in my mood and walked over to me with a worried expression. She then took Carlie from me and put her out of her totally soaked jacket when she noticed our soaked through state. At the mention of Carlisle, I collapsed into Edward’s arms much to his surprise and worry. “I destroyed it all,” I sobbed. “Esme, that is impossible. Start at the beginning, what happened?” he asked calmly. I couldn’t get one comprehensible word out and instead sobbed. “Shh, everything will be just fine,” he whispered and held me to him. “Should I take the kids to bed?” Bella asked quietly. I nodded thankfully and she disappeared upstairs with Haven and Carlie. Edward guided me over to the living room and placed me on the couch. “I’ll be right back,” he told me and with a last glance disappeared upstairs as well. Only seconds later he was back with a towel and a thick wool blanket. He laid the blanket gently around my shoulders and handed me the towel. “Thanks,” I whispered and wiped my face dry. He sat next to me and held me close with his arm around my shoulders.

“Esme?” Edward began, wanting an explanation from me. I looked up to him. “Carlisle has told me about the Volturi,” I whispered. Edward surely already knew, everyone seemed to know besides me… “Oh,” he whispered and held me closer. “I’m sorry that you had to learn it that way,” he sighed. I looked up to him in confusion. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t told you, but Alice, Jasper and I had promised Carlisle to not tell you,” he explained. “That’s why you all avoided me,” I whispered. Edward flinched. “Please don’t be angry with Carlisle. He has tormented himself for weeks…” he begged. I sprang up from the couch in frustration. “I know that he has, he is still tormenting himself! He would never stop, Carlisle only wants to do the best and that is so…. frustrating,” I groaned and sank down on the armchair opposite Edward. “What has happened between you?” he asked softly. I sighed, got up and paced around the room. As I glanced around the room, I noticed the time and gasped. Edward followed my gaze, his eyebrows knitted together. “I’ve promised Carlisle to call him as soon as I knew where to go, that is nearly three hours ago,” I told him. “You can use our phone if you want to,” he smiled and motioned over to it. I stepped forward and already reached for the phone, but I couldn’t pick it up. I wouldn’t know what to tell him. His voice would surely shatter me even more… “Shall I?” Edward asked softly and took the phone from me. I nodded thankfully and sat next to Edward.

(Carlisle’s POV)

I didn’t stop pacing in my office. Up and down… down and up… again and again and again… My phone was in my hand and I looked at it every few seconds. The first hour I had spent just standing on our front porch… All I could see from Esme and our children were the backlights of the Mercedes as she sped away. I didn’t move, I couldn’t. If I moved it would be real. Then Esme really did leave me… My irrational part told me over and over that she would never return; that I had lost Esme and my children forever. My words had hurt and angered her too much so that she would never come back. The mere idea to never see them again tormented me so much that I finally snapped out of motionlessness and slumped down on the cool wooden floor of the front porch. “Esme…” I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop the sobs, the tears that would have surely fallen if I would be human. As it was the sting of unshed tears let me remember the sensation of crying without the calmness following. I wanted to drown here and now. The first impulse was to sob and cry senselessly, the next though was immeasurable anger… I was so angry at how I reacted to her, how I hadn’t told her, how I must have made her feel like a small child and I was angry at Esme for leaving me, for returning the feeling of abandonment that I had overcome decades ago. It came back viciously now, letting me wish that I indeed could drown… I didn’t know what I would have told Esme if she had returned at this exact moment. But the anger evaporated just as quickly as it had come, followed by restlessness and worry as the second hour emerged fast…

I had jumped up from the front porch as I remembered that I had foolishly kept my phone up in my office and that I might have missed Esme’s call. I ran up as fast as I could and grabbed my phone, careful not to crush it, and looked at the screen. With disappointment I noticed that I had no missed calls and no messages. I slumped down on the couch facing the window. It was pitch black outside, humans could hardly see anything… The streets were covered with ice, turning them into deathly paths to take… The wind moved the trees so fiercely that I feared the trees might not endure it much longer… I sighed deeply and shook my head. Every thought made me more restless, more worried for Esme and the kids. What if something had happened to them? What if they had an accident?

As the third hour started, I was pacing up and down, debating whether to search for them or not. Surely something must have happened, where would she go that would take her three hours? She had promised to be back in the morning, hadn’t she? I trusted her with my own life, but my faith in her promise faded with every second ticking by. Where was she? She wanted to call… I waited exactly 24 minutes and 31 seconds longer until I ran down and out the house to find her… But just as I left the house my phone vibrated. I stopped in my tracks. I didn’t even look at the screen to see who it was, I answered at the first ring and sighed heavily when I expected Esme’s soft voice. “Hello, Carlisle,” Edward’s voice came instead. I had to keep myself from hanging up as I had been so relieved to finally hear from her. I didn’t even answer him, I only waited for what he wanted to tell me. “Esme and the kids are here with me and Bella,” he told me after a second, as he expected an answer. If my heart could beat, it would have sprung out of my chest as this point. I leaned against the wall and sighed relieved. She was safe… they all were. “How is she?” I asked quietly. A pause followed my words and I could hear whispers on the other side. “Is she there?” I asked hopeful. More whispers, more urgent ones. “Yes, she’s here and she is fine… They arrived half an hour ago. Don’t worry please, Carlisle. We’ll look after them,” Edward promised. “Can I speak to her?” I asked. Edward sighed heavily. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now…” “Okay,” I sighed resigned. “I’ll talk to her, I promise,” he told me softly. I nodded and finally also voiced my acceptance. “Thank you, Edward,” I whispered. “Always,” he answered and then we hung up.

She was fine… Esme and the kids were with Bella and Edward. They were safe, nothing happened to them after all… Still I was feeling so hollow, restless and still worried sick… I slipped back into the house and shut myself into my office. I knew that nothing would help until I would see her again. As it was, I took my rarely used journal and started writing…

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated for some time now. Exams are just crazy right now :( I will try to write and update the second part as fast as possible and for those of you reading "Prisoner of Memory" I already started the next chapter and I will definitely update it in the next days, I promise! I'm really sorry I am so bad at writing right now...

-All rights belong to Stephenie Meyer-