Satan School of Sophomores

Seriously, Guys: 12/2/14

9:28am Tuesday, December 2

On the white board I see a problem I have no answer to. Not that I even tried. I sat here reading Laurie Halse Anderson while the bodies and brains around me gripped their calculators and opened their white, spiral bound notebooks. I'm not cut out for algebra II.

9:12pm
Here I am in my bed. Enjoying the sweet warmth of an electric blanket, thinking of getting pounded from behind by Calum Hood (I don't care about 5sos, I am incredibly horny and that the overrides all). When all of a sudden, Jake messages me and is like, "Doodly doo I heard Kota and Munchie were making out in the hallway."

I called him a dick and an asshole. Now all my sexy time is gone. I can't get the thought of those two blob motherfucking bitches out of my brain. Thanks, Jake the superbitch. I swear he does this on purpose. He's like a gossipy girl.

When do I get my day in the sun? It seems like I'm ALWAYS second best to some other chick. Right behind her, but still not first place. ALWAYS. When I like a guy, he's after someone else. I'm the backup. The runner up. Second place. First loser. Crushed.

Reminds me of a song called Half in Love With Elizabeth by Mystery Jets.

Words fly through his mouth, like paper butterflies
They flutter around and burn holes in your side

And he's half in love with Elizabeth
And he's half in love with you
I knew that you were thinking of him last night
'Cause I saw the blood seep down to your toes
Turn away if you must but how can you put your trust
In a man who always sleeps in his clothes?

Every guy I like fully, only half likes me back. Or not at all, but 50% at best.

And everything Kota said to me was lies. Example: "You're the girl I like the most."

I can't have sex with someone who thinks I'm second place, you know? How long do I have to wait until I find an attractive, intelligent guy who puts me as their number one and only lady?

I imagine it all the time. A good relationship. Watch movies, good sex, laughing, eating, sex, going swimming, waking up and I'm happy.

Seriously.

I know it's dumb, and I'll be here for ten years before I get a good boyfriend-or any boyfriend at all- but a girl can dream.

I'm not trying to be desperate. I'm not throwing myself at guys/boys. I'm only dreaming of a better future.
Something to look forward to.
Someone to look forward to.
A guy that understands me. That would be a first. Truly, a first. I have never met a guy who understood me and my brain and my likes and my oddities.

I'd be so happy. To finally let go and be real around a guy and have a bond. I can never seem to loosen my strings or let up or be me with people. I sometimes feel so awful and confused about what I'm trying to accomplish by acting the way I do.

Can I please maybe have one boyfriend in the next three years? Please? A cute, nice, smart one. SMART. Smart is really #1. I don't care about rock hard abs, I want intellect.
1.smart
2.sexy
3.funny
In that order.