Satan School of Sophomores

Simpler Times: 5/2/15

7:38pm Saturday, May 2

I keep thinking about how Rob is leaving in a while. It destroys me. He is so smart, bilingual, and we have so much in common. Rob was/is perhaps my only chance at high school happy-sappy romance. Now? It's almost gone. Slipping through my knobby fingers. Fuck. I will miss him. I'll miss his wit and interest and that dazzling feeling I only get when he blankets me with lush compliments. I know it's not real real, but for me, it's special. I won't forget him, and I know I'll see him again.

I have 148 pages to go on Gone Girl. This book. The language is excellent, truly quality, creative writing. I made a $1 bet with Scarlet I could finish this book in one weekend, and I suppose I will be a dollar richer come Monday!

8:15pm
I'm pretty sure I'm not pretty. That fact means I'll need to be smart instead.

8:18pm
In lighter events, I have a really big tongue.

8:46pm
I often feel like I'm one big misunderstanding, an assumption. Everyone assumes I am a bitch, so I fell into believing I was a bitch. People look at me and think, 'Big nose in the air, blonde, she looks mad, her figure looms ominous. Bitch.' I became what I was pushed into by society. Past that bitchy-looking face, past my stand-offish-at-first-encounter mouth, past all those repelling defense mechanisms, I am a lonely girl. Not in the sense of a loner without friends, but more the kind who is completely overlooked in the romantic sense. I've never had some nervous teenage boy awkwardly ask me out. Usually I'm groveling just to get some full of himself prick to make out with me in an out of school setting. I am not the type that gets asked out and feels like miss popularity. I am the type who is thought to be intimidating while being intimidated by everyone else. My classmates make me nervous. One wrong turn, one bad day, and they could be pointing out my insecurities and giving me new ones I never wanted.

I used to be fine with nose, I never even thought about it. Then, I got to high school and learned, mine is shitty and apparently large. I used to be fine with how I walked and talked, until I got to high school and discovered I "walk weird" and have a deep voice.

I used to be really, really confident up to age thirteen.

I can't even decide if I'm pretty or not. I'm not captivatingly, breathtakingly beautiful. I don't know what I am anymore. I wish I was really, truly pretty. I really do.