Sunflower

77

I walked out of the kitchen up the stairs and into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I leaned back against my door, my mind running as I slid down to sit. Crossing my legs I just sat, staring into the oblivion.

What had just happened?

For once I didn’t care about Steve and all I thought about was Bucky. I was confused, concerned, and definitely not concentrating.

My mind was wild. Five years I haven’t seen them, and yet it felt like nothing, but everything had changed. I knew Steve lied about Sharon and I knew for sure he lied about wanting me. He had fallen out of love if he ever had been in love with me. Yet, the mention of Peggy’s name set me into realization that there was someone before me and that she’ll most likely be above me forever more. For what I’ve heard, first loves are usually the best ones. Even if only you were in love.

But why did I feel so empty without Steve, yet so full when I had barely a minute of time with Bucky? Could I have gone crazy, or could I have never gotten over him? Or have I just fallen for him again in a minute’s interaction.

Was his presence such a huge deal in me that with contact the box of feeling I had locked burst open again? Or could this had only been a moment’s feeling and by tomorrow my heart would desire Steve again? Would I have to decide between a love and a soulmate? Even if I didn’t know which was which?

My hands pulled into my hair, tightening the grip in between the strands. I could feel my own heart raising as I questioned myself. For once I was more confused than concentrated.

In the past if something like this had happened I would have run away. But now I cant. There’s nowhere to go. No one I could leave with.

I was trapped in a mindset of torture and decisions. Yet, what decision did I have to make? Go back to the father of my child, who was most likely no longer in love with me? Or hope that my past lover who had betrayed me and let my trust fall for others, still has the same feelings towards me?

A scream escaped my lips, as silent as I could make it, but it could still be heard. Tears escaped my eyes and flooded over my cheeks. Why did I have to make a choice if I was the only one knowing about it?

A light knock on my door made my head jump up.

“Amber?” I heard Carol ask, making me jump up.

I wiped the tears off from under my eyes and slowly opened the door. At the moment I had forgotten that I no longer wore a shirt, but it didn’t seem to faze Carol that much.

“Are you okay?” she asked, her eyes noticing my light-red eyes.  Slowly I shook my head, not being able to lie to her. “May I enter?” she asked softly.

I couldn’t resist. I nodded, stepping aside. Immediately she entered, letting me close the door behind her. She sat down on my bed, just before I got on it as well, pulling my covers over my lap.

“What happened?” she asked softly, looking at me with curiously soft eyes.

I sighed.

“Let me guess, they haven’t mentioned me a bit to you, have they?” I asked softly. She shook her head.  “I had Steve’s baby after running away from them because they sold me to the government,” I began, making her eyes slightly widen. “Before all that I fell in love with James and now I yet figure out if I still feel the same way, and if I now have fallen in love with Steve, knowing he doesn’t love me like that anymore.” I sniffled, seeing Carol just listen. “Steve wants to get to know his son, who doesn’t even know who Steve is. My son, Dean, hasn’t even asked about Steve and where he was. I always knew the day would come that Steve heard about his son, but I always hoped it wouldn’t.”

Carol sighed, most likely having nothing she could say. “Well, I have felt betrayal before, yet nothing to do with love. I just don’t know how you can forgive these people after what they have done.”

She looked at me with confusion, and yet she was right. I had no idea why I was willing to forgive them.

“But yet I also see what you mean with loving someone. See, you only truly love the one, but the other made you so happy before, that now you think you love them, only thing is you don’t. You love the idea of them, not them personally. But the other one, he stole your heart and made you his. You just don’t know which one it is yet.”

“But how do I know who is who?” I asked, looking at her with teary eyes.

She sighed. “I’m unsure.”

I looked down, sniffling. “Thank you Carol,” I said, looking back at her, meeting her eyes. “Thanks.”

She smiled, placing her cold hand on my arm.
“I’m always here if you want to talk,” she said with a smile.

I smiled back, placing my hand on hers. With a smile Carol stood up, walking back to the door. She stopped in front of it, turning to me.

“Just a note, you’re shirtless,” she said, forcing my head to look down, before shooting up to her. “Not bad,” she said with a smile, before exiting the room, shutting it behind her.