(FENG ZHUTUAN)
"Are you really gonna ignore me for the rest of our life?" I asked my wife who is sitting in front of her vanity mirror as she got ready for bed.
MiLen can be frustratingly stubborn. She is not the most beautiful woman I have meet or even dated or bedded but she sure is the most fascinating woman I have ever encountered.
That is why even though our marriage is an arranged one, I fell for her. MiLen is intelligent, articulate and could be cold and aloof. But once you pierced that hard shell surrounding her, you will meet the sweet and caring person underneath.
Having said all that, MiLen is not above being impossible. Especially if the topic is our only child, Jian Yu.
For MiLen, Yu is the most essential part of her. After going through two miscarriages and one stillborn birth, Yu's appearance in our lives is not a mere blessing. For MiLen and I, Yu is our miracle.
And we love our son so much. Maybe even a bit too much.
Since learning about Yu's association with another man, it pushed me to do something I have never done before. I took a step back and observe my family from an outsider's point of view.
And what I learned is not flattering to me and to my wife and father.
We have been controlling Yu and leading him to the path we want for him. My son had been living the life we want for him, not the life he wants for himself.
Maybe our only salvation is the fact that Yu had never rebel before. He has been obedient, painfully so, for the past twenty five years of his life. Never complaining, never trying to dodge our orders. Yu had been a good soldier to me and to my wife.
And my son learned to hide a part of him that scared us when we first heard about it.
"I am a girl..."
I can still remember the exact date and time when Yu had said those words. When he asked when will we agree to let him wear a dress for his Grammy's funeral.
I will admit, I looked at my son like he is the scariest person I have ever met when he uttered those words. Because I know, in the deepest recesses of my mind and heart, I can never understand what Yu is going through.
To be a male outside, but a female inside. I can never grasp a concept like that. So in my moment of weakness. Of not wanting to lose my son, I let my father talked Yu out of thinking that he is a girl.
And it worked. Yu never mentioned that thing again after he talked to his Grampy. And our lives commence as normal as it should. As peaceful as it can be.
But now...now, I think we are all finally paying for the peace and normalcy of our lives when we pushed Yu to conceal himself. His inner self. Now, we are paying the price.
And the hardest part is seeing my son pay the highest price of all. Seeing my son rebelling against our wishes, seeing him finally coming out of his shell, fighting so hard, it's painful to watch.
On one side, I want to let Yu go. He is his own man now. I think my son finally made a decision, he will love another man. That when it comes to the matter of the heart, his inner self won. He is a girl inside, a girl who likes a man, and that man is Wang Qing.
But on the other side, how can I let my son go to a man whose family has a history with ours? My own father hates that family. And I have no doubt that the Wangs hate us too. How can I let my son go to that family when I am not sure that he will be welcome much less get treat fairly there? How?
MiLen has a different take on the matter though.
"You should have told me," she finally stopped applying lotion to face me. "You should have...how could you hide it from me? I am his mother..." her eyes, her almond shaped eyes, convey how hurt MiLen is.
I sighed, "I just learned about it a week ago. And Yu asked me to let him say it to you. Yu wants to reveal it himself. I want it to come from him. He asked me to wait and not to tell you. How can I say no to that?" I asked my wife.
"I don't know...but I..."
"You were shocked. I can understand," I said. "But it is over now. At this moment, what we need to do is decide how we can help our son. We have to accept him and his true nature..."
"What? Him being a girl?" MiLen sneered. "My son is not a girl. I gave birth to a boy. A son. Not a girl..."
She is frustrating, "And that attitude of yours is the reason why Yu will hate us. MiLen, I don't want my own son to hate me..."
"So you will accept him?" MiLen gave me a disbelieving look. "What about Baba? What will your father said?"
"My Baba hates the fact that Yu is meeting a Wang more than the truth that my son is a girl inside. I think meeting a Wang trumps every issue when Baba is concern. He can accept Yu, even if he is straight, bisexual, homosexual, trans or pansexual or asexual. As long as Yu will stop meeting that boy," I said.
MiLen nodded, "I think you are right. And I also don't like that boy for our son. No. That Wang Qing will not do..." she sounded determined by that.
I frowned, "Why? Because Baba hates their family?"
"No," MiLen shook her head. Her dark locks bouncing around her face. "I don't care where that Wang Qing came from. Can't you see the problem, ZhuTuan?"
"Other than the fact that Baba considers the Wangs as his enemy?" Is there a bigger problem than that?
"Yes," MiLen sighed like she cannot believe I can be so blind to see the problem she is referring about. "Our biggest problem, ZhuTuan, is that Yu loves that Wang Qing. Our son loves him!"
"Why is that our biggest problem?" I cannot follow her train of thoughts.
MiLen gave me an exasperated look. "I don't want Yu loving someone more than he loves our family. One disagreement about this Wang Qing and Yu is ready to leave us. He packed his bags, ZhuTuan. He packed them! Why are you not panicking about this?"
"I see..." I nodded my understanding. "I think I can see the problem now..."
MiLen stood up from the stool in front of her vanity to pace in front of the bed. "That boy is a bad influence to our son. He taught our Yu to lie to us. No wonder Yu changes so much. For months he has been meeting that Wang Qing and lying to us. Our good son, lying. I didn't raised him that way! Coming home late and lying straight to my face. It is because of that boy! Why? Because that Wang Qing somehow coerced our son to lie to us. Controlling Yu!"
I sighed and let MiLen continued. "I look for matches for Yu because I know Yu will not love any of those potential bride to be more than our family. More than us. But this Wang Qing is different. He spun our son's mind so badly, Yu is now talking back to us..."
"Or Yu finally had enough of listening to us control his life..." I said. Why didn't I entertain the notion that Yu can be stubborn too, I don't know. God knows MiLen is stubborn. I can be stubborn too, why would our son be any different?
I think Yu got good at concealing his strength and stubbornness and now we are facing our son's full capability of standing on his own. Something we didn't expected and now we are scrambling to make sense of it.
I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
"I don't care," MiLen said, a stubborn look on her face. "I can accept Yu as a girl or gay, sure...I can do that. But what I cannot abide is him loving someone and being more loyal to someone else other than us and his Grampy. No. I don't want to be insignificant in my son's eyes. I want him to always listen to my words. My advice. I want him to come to me first when he has a problem. I want him..."
"To continue depending on you." I finished her words. "MiLen, our son is twenty five years old now. When you were twenty five, do you still listen to your parents?"
"My parents were both dead when I got to my twenty fifth year. You know that, I was married to you already when I got to my twenty fifth year," MiLen reminded me in a clipped tone.
"So are you saying that Yu should only stop listening to us when we are both dead?" I found that thought disgusting. "When I was twenty five, Baba already let me decide most things for myself. I want to give Yu the same chance. I want him to choose for himself..."
"And what if his choice is Wang Qing?" MiLen gave me a challenging stare. "What if then...?"
My jaws set at what she said. "Then that is the time I will stop him. Yu knows my boundary. Yes, I can accept his sexuality, whatever it is. If he has more dreams, I will accept and support him with those too. But that Wang boy is non negotiable. Like you, I will also not accept Yu's relationship with that boy..."
MiLen nodded. Then she gave me a smile before climbing on our bed. I welcomed her in my arms. She lay gently against my chest.
"Yu is my life, ZhuTuan. He is my life. I might made mistakes along the way as I raise him but I love him. You know, I love our son..." She said with tears and sadness on her tone.
"I know. I know that you love our son," I assured her that I know that fact. "Let's tell Yu about our decision tomorrow. Let's give him the news that we will support him, in terms of his sexuality."
"But that Wang Qing is not acceptable. Right?" MiLen leaned out to look at me. "You will not change your mind and give in to Yu's pleading again, right? I need you to fight this with me, ZhuTuan. That boy...I think he had dug his claws deep into our son. He got a hold on Yu that I don't like. He will not do. I want someone that will not fight to take Yu from us. I want someone who will also listen to me for our son's sake. A docile girl. A dainty female. Not a burly, self assured boy who will sweep our son and take him far away from me."
I sighed and held my wife more securedly. MiLen is afraid. More than anything, she is scared of losing her influence on our son. That Yu will start to disregard us and listen only to that Wang Qing boy.
Well, I don't like that too. I hate that we are controlling our son, but I think I will hate it more if someone else will control Yu. Someone who has the means to take our son away.
No. Our plan is for Yu to marry. And stay with us even if he is married. Or if he wants to move out, he will move to a place still close to us so we can visit him regularly.
If Yu wants a man, we can look for an appropriate partner for him. Someone from a decent family, with even temperament and with hobbies compatible to Yu's hobbies.
Not someone with a strong personality like that Wang boy.
Someone with a family that will cherish Yu and consider him a blessing. Not into a family who has a bad blood ties with ours.
In short, not to the Wangs.
MiLen and I sighed. Then my wife look up at me again, "I saw Baba leaving the house before I came here in our room. Where is he going?"
"I don't know. He just told me that he will meet someone." I said.
"Who will he meet at this deep of the night?" MiLen frowned. "Shall I check on Yu? See if he is asleep already?" She moved to get off the bed.
"No. Don't," I stopped her. "Let's not check on the boy, MiLen. Give him some space. Besides, you might see his luggages again and it might lead to another shouting match. Let's give Yu some space."
My wife sighed and went back to lying beside me. "You are right. He is still here. With us. And not with that Wang boy. I can sleep peacefully tonight. Tomorrow, let's talk to Yu."
"Yes, let's do that." I smiled at my wife. "Close your eyes and rest. It's been an exhausting weekend and I feel it will get more exhausting as the days will pass. We have to take enough rest to face them with our son. Yu needs us, MiLen. In what capacity, I don't know. But don't be afraid, Yu still needs us." I find that thought reassuring.
MiLen nodded before closing her eyes. She has subtle aging lines on her face now, but she is still the most fascinating woman I have met.
I love my wife. I love my son. And no Wang can separate our family.
MiLen is right. That Wang boy will not do at all.
He is simply unacceptable.