Chapter Song: Becoming Insane by Infected Mushroom
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TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm
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Once we got back to the school, we went our separate ways. They headed towards the lunchroom to join their friends, I guess. I checked the clock tower, affirming my thought. I headed through the courtyard to take a shortcut to the library, I notice Draco from the corner of my eye. I averted my eyes, feeling much like an ostrich trying to hide in the dirt. He was reading a book again, a different one, and seemed to be at the beginning. He took another bite of his green apple and I felt myself stare so I looked ahead and walked faster. I felt his eyes on me but he made no move to get up, for which I was thankful.
Once I got into the library I went into the dark and dusty school record section that is technically forbidden without permission. However, I wasn't going to read the books, so I deemed it alright since no one was in the library anyway. I sat on a small seat hidden inside and pulled my knees to my chin, staring blankly at the books on the bottom shelf across from me. Suddenly, my eyes started watering and I silently cursed myself for it.
I gritted my teeth, before opening my mouth in a silent scream, choking back soft sobs. I pulled on the ends of my hair and pounded my fists against my skull. I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and scratched along my arms. Putting my hand under my shirt, I drug my nails as roughly as I could across my chest and stomach, ignoring the tears streaming down my face. I shook violently, moving to press the heels of my palms into my temples. Suddenly, everything dulled and I started hearing the voice again.
Harry... what are you doing?
You should know! This is all your fault!
Harry... stop it.
You stop, Tom! Stop fucking with my head!
I'm not the one clawing at your skin, you are.
...
I pulled the pillow from beside me and pulled the pillow against my face, wailing quietly into it.
"Harry?" an airy voice said carefully.
I pulled the pillow from my face, wiping my nose on my sleeve, tugging them back to my wrists. The girl had medium-blonde hair and a calm demeanor, she took some tissues from her purse and opened my palm, balling them into my fist. I took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. She smiled without a trace of pity, taking a tissue from my hand and wiping my tears.
"I understand, Harry. You've seen death. Death does terrible things to people, especially if they're children at the time."
"Who are you?" I asked, finally using the tissues and throwing them away in a waste bin nearby.
"Oh, I can't believe I forgot. I'm Luna Lovegood." she said with a smile, as if surprised at herself for forgetting.
"Neville told you then?"
"If you mean the death of whom, no. I can just see it in your eyes, you lost someone close to you."
"How would you know?"
"I look in a mirror every way to brush my hair. I lost my mother."
...
I didn't want to say it was both of my parents, death is not a contest, so I just smiled the best I could. She didn't spare a look, pushing up the sleeves of my shirt.
"No cuts, but it'll take a while to fade. 3 or 4 days, most likely, do try to hide them well."
"How would you know?"
She tilted her head, smile still a ghost on her features and lifted her sleeves, then rolled down her knee-high socks and rolled up the end of her skirt. There were scars, welts, and cuts that were fresh, some recently dried, and some that marred the pale flesh. She watched me, gauging my reaction, as I rolled up her socks and pulled down her sleeves for her. I felt my eyes mist over as I tugged the end of her skirt back to her knees, she entwined her fingers in mine.
"You're not a freak for doing this, believe me. You aren't the only one. Come to me if you need a shoulder, okay?"
I wrapped my arms around her carefully, unsure if she had any more scars, but not wanting to hurt her. She hugged me tighter, pushing her face in my neck, I felt her shake a little but she didn't speak.
She loosened her grip and moved a few inches away from my face, "I've never told anyone... it feels good."
We laughed a little and I kissed her forehead, "Your secret is safe with me."
"Yours are too."
"Plural?"
She whispered in my ear, "I know you're gay, too."
Suddenly, her breath hitched as she glanced over my shoulder, "Neville..."
I spun around and Neville was fuming, his face burning with anger, "Am I interrupting something?!"
"Nev, don't-"
"Don't call me that, you backstabber!"
I felt the switch click again, the wicked smile returning, "Not my fault you don't have the balls to tell her you like her, mate."
Her shock radiated from behind me and his abashment was evident, "What's wrong with you, Harry?"
"Not Harry. Harry's riding shotgun." I felt my smile grow too big, feeling like it split my face.
I pushed past him, bumping his shoulder before walking towards the exit. I heard Luna's boots as she rushed after me, she tugged on my wrist.
"Harry, come back and explain to him, please, Harry."
The switch flipped off again and I turned back, looking between them.
"I'm so sorry."
...
I run back to my room, packing up some clothes for tomorrow in my bag from the candy store and rush down the stairs. I cross through the courtyard as the sun sets, heading towards the parking lot. I walk off campus, heading towards the woods and walking to the beach. I walk until the sun has set and I sit on a rock in the sand. The waves roaring against the wind that slowly picks up speed. I set the bag in a crevice of the cliff to keep it immobile, before removing my shirt and shoving it into the crevice too.
I roll up my pants legs above my knees, take off my socks and shoes by the rock. I wade into the waves, the wind blowing hard, whipping my hair painfully into my face. I feel myself shaking and I let out a pitiful scream. I scream, and I scream, and I scream until my throat is raw and I collapse to my knees. I slam my fists into the sand, croaking out a final attempt at a cry.
I'm lost inside my own mind.