Songs:
Let It Be: Ray Charles (The Beatles)
Runnin' (Lose It All): Naughty Boy, Beyonce, Arrow Benjamin
I Could Fall In Love: Selena
I Chose You: Barcelona
Can't Help Falling In Love: Meghan Trainor (Spotify Sessions)
A.J.'s POV
I found myself pacing in front of the door to the new library that Harry had gifted to me yesterday. He was out running some errands, which left me with ample time to think. A dangerous pastime at the moment, I know. Thirty minutes went by and I still wasn't sure if I should walk in or not. I clutched the little canister with the pill I was supposed to take today, well, in two hours. But, now I wasn't so sure if I wanted to take it. I played Sam's speech in my head over and over again and thought about how Harry was just, I don't even know. He was just Harry.
I gathered up every bit of ounce I could muster up and turned the damn knob, pushing myself through the door. Immediately, I was overwhelmed with a sense of security and warmth. I walked around the room, lightly tapping my fingers on everything as I passed them by. When I finally reached the desk, I was confronted by the envelope that Harry had presented to me yesterday, which was a letter from my dad.
I picked it up, smoothing my hands over it as I had the day before. It was old and tattered. It looked and smelled like it had been put away for a long time, the corners slightly bent. After a long moment of just staring at it, I finally got the guts to turn it over and pull out the piece of folded paper from inside.
Dear Katarina,
My precious girl, I know that you are the most troubled by the way your mother and I ended things. But, I want you know and understand that we both love you very much. I may not always physically be there, but I hope that I am a good enough father to you that you feel my guidance and love as you grow up into the wonderful woman I know you will become one day, even if I'm not there. I know one day you will find a man that will take my place as your protector, my only request is that you find someone who loves you as deeply as you love them. Someone who will bring out the best parts of you and make you want to better the worst. Someone who you could see yourself starting a family and growing old with. I pray that you find utter happiness.
No matter how lonely you feel, you will always have people who love and care for you all around. You will always be looked after, even when you don't think you are, or you don't want to be. You are a special little being. Rare and beautiful, inside and out.
Love,
Papa
I read the note over and over, letting my fingers trace over my dad's handwriting. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes, but I blinked them away, shoving the paper back in its envelope and dropping it back on the desk, as if though the paper were burning my skin. After a few deep breaths, I opened my eyes again, picking up the encased baseball. I carefully removed the glass top, setting it aside as I pulled the baseball into my hand.
My fingers ran over the laces, gripping the ball just the way Robbie had showed me. I tossed it up in the air a few times, recalling the times he had tossed it to me when he was teaching me how to catch. I unknowingly made my way around the desk, still tossing and catching the ball as I took a seat on one of the sofas.
When I finally looked up, I noticed I was sitting directly in front of my dad's painting. I rolled the ball in my hand, just watching the painting. Robbie and I had a pretty amazing papa. He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for us. He loved us and tried his best to be all that he could be for us.
Somewhere along the line, I had stopped rolling the ball and I was rubbing my tummy. Just like a movie was playing, I visualized a small little girl with long, wild curls surrounding her face, very large, dimpled cheeks and big green eyes running into Harry's waiting arms. His face lighting up as he heard the little girl giggle and call out to him. He would hug her tightly and she would cling for dear life, not wanting him to let her go.
"You would be the most loved little person on this planet," I spoke out loud to the baby inside me. "Sammy was right, I do already love you. More than anything."
I felt tears pour from my eyes, blurring my vision. I rubbed them away, walking out of the library to the bathroom a few feet away. I switched on the light while I pulled out the little canister from my sweater pocket. I opened it and emptied the little pill into the toilet and flushed it away.
"I'm so sorry little baby," I apologized to the little creature.
I quickly called to cancel my appointment for later that day. I was keeping this baby, even if Harry ended up not wanting it. It was literally a part of me and a part of him, like Sammy said, it was the physical manifestation of the love we had for each other.
Next I called Sammy to let her know about my decision and to ask her for the ultrasound pictures that she kept. I was going to need them to show Harry. It took a little convincing, but she promised to drop them by later on. Now all I had to do was figure out how to tell him he was going to be a dad. It shouldn't be too hard, I suppose. He did want to be a dad, eventually. I just hoped after the initial shock, he would react a little better than I had.
I was a little annoyed with Harry for still not coming home. He said he'd be quick, but it's been almost four hours. Not that normally I wouldn't enjoy away time from him, but he had made it a point to make sure I didn't go to work so we could stay together and I had a huge piece of news to tell him.
Since, he was going to be taking forever, I decided to eat by myself and watch a little TV. Once I got bored with that, I headed to take a shower. I tied up my hair in a top knot above my head before stepping into the warm water. It instantly relaxed me, washing away the anxiety that had been building up all morning.
After I finished with my shower, I wrapped my towel around myself and walked over to our closet. I found myself smiling like an idiot for no apparent reason, until I remembered Harry wasn't there. I switched sides and headed towards Harry's clothes. I grabbed a pair of his sweatpants and his grey Packers sweatshirt, which thankfully smelled like him.
"This way we won't miss daddy so much," I patted my belly as I finished getting dressed. "Daddy," I repeated, confused. Harry was going to be someone's daddy, and I was going to be someone's mommy.
I sat in the corner of the room, on top of the giant stuffed animals Harry got me from the zoo. It was my favorite place in this whole apartment, though I would probably end up moving them to the new library so they could be part of it. It reminded me of Harry and our date that day. He and I were technically broken up, but it didn't feel that way. We had laughed and joked the entire day, not to mention he had saved my life on an occasion or two.
My mind raced with all the possibilities being a mom entailed. I would have to be responsible for making sure another human being was fed properly and changed at all times. Then there was education, I had to teach it manners and how to behave like a human being and not a douche bag. But, most importantly, I had to love it unconditionally, even when it would piss me off. Was that even possible? To love someone so deeply that you could forgive everything wrong they did? I mean, there was Harry and I think I would forgive him for pretty much anything. But, as a mother could you even get so angry with your child?
Instead of thinking to call my mom for advice on the subject, my first thought was to call Anne. After all, she was the kids grandma. Whoa, was she even old enough to be someone's grandma? "Geezus kid, you're sending me through a tailspin, chill the fuck out!"
Language! "Ugh, sorry little creature. Can you even hear me? Do you even like being called a little creature? You know what, it doesn't matter because I'm the mom here and that gives me the authority to do things you probably won't like, and I think it's kinda cute."
"Who are you talking to?" Harry's deep, amused voice interrupted my little chat.
I felt myself panic, I had gone over how I was going to tell him all day long, but now that he was in front of me, the words just seemed to escape me. I could just blurt it out, but then he would probably freak out. What if he- "Um, myself," I cut off my own thoughts before I sent myself down a hill of endless hypotheticals.
"As long as you don't start answering yourself," he shrugged, bending over to kiss me. "Sorry I'm late, things didn't go exactly like I planned." I noticed him chewing on the inside of his lip nervously.
"What exactly did you go do?" I questioned him, knowing he was keeping something from me.
He shrugged. "Just had to pay some bills and arrange a few things and what not, boring stuff." That little liar, we had just paid all our bills last saturday and unless there was something he wasn't telling me about, there were no bills left to pay. "How was your day?" Hmm, casually changing the subject. He was just getting curiouser and curiouser, wasn't he?
"I had a rather fantastic day," I lied, the first part of my day was complete shit and up until I realized I was going to be someone's mom, I wasn't in the best of moods. The fact of me having a baby scared the living daylights out of me, but it also made me happy in a sort of way. "Do you think we could invite your mom over for a few days once the holiday's pass? I would love to spend a little bit more time with her and get to know her a little bit more." And tell her that she's going to be a grandma and ask her for help before I drive myself insane and drive her son insane in the process.
"Umm, sure?" He cocked his head to the side, eyebrows rising slightly.
"What? You can call up my mom and spend time with her if you want," I smiled at him, trying not to laugh.
He grinned and scrunched up his nose. "You know, I think Sarah and I know enough about each other, thank you."
I put my hands behind his neck, kissing him firmly before pulling away. "Agreed," I chuckled. "I do not want that evil in my home."
He laughed loudly, about to defend her and say something about not calling people evil, no doubt, but I cut him off with another kiss. Soon enough, his hands began to roam my body and his lips and tongue moved about expert ingly, turning our kiss into a heavy makeout session. Just as he was about to take of my sweatshirt when the doorbell rang.
"Ignore it," he groaned, sucking deliciously on my neck as his hands still tried to pull the sweatshirt up my body.
I was about to give in, but I remembered Sammy was supposed to come by around this time. "I can't it's Sam," I breathed out, annoyed with the constant sound of the doorbell being pushed.
"No wonder Niall was coming over," he paused momentarily before continuing to kiss on my neck. "We can see them another time," he groaned again, even more frustrated than before.
It took all my self control to push him away. "She has something important to give me, and we both know she won't stop ringing that doorbell until someone answers. Besides, I do not want to have sex with you on top of a bunch of stuffed animals." I was able to roll out from under him, struggling to get to my feet. I straightened myself out before heading off to the front door.
"What do you mean, with me?" He whined as he realized what I had said. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it was still funny.
I giggled, ignoring his question as I raced to pull open the front door. As expected, both, Samara and Niall were standing there waiting to come in. Samara was full of excitement to whereas Niall looked like he really needed to use the toilet. He said a quick and quiet hello before rushing past me, informing me that he was going to use the toilet. I knew it.
Samara was about to speak, but I covered her mouth, just in time. Harry turned the corner, questioning our visitors. She was about to complain, but realized why I had shut her up. Instead, she scrunched her nose and nodded in agreement with my sudden outburst.
Once we were both on the same page, I removed my hand from hers and lead her to my room, shutting it behind us before Harry could join in. Besides, he had Niall who would join him eventually.