Trying to go to sleep after hearing that sentence is impossible. Krist telling me that Kurt tried to kill himself made me feel terrible about everything. I don't know properly how to feel.
As my head rests on Krist's shoulder, the way it has been for the past couple of hours as I've tried to go to sleep, I think about Kurt trying to kill himself. I think about how he would've died and the last time we would've talked to each other was the argument about me staying with him on tour.
My mind can only but transport to the thoughts consuming my brain. What if I had been there? What if I did what he wanted me to do and I joined him on tour?
We wouldn't be in this situation that we're in right now. Krist, Dave, and Shelli wouldn't be asleep on waiting room chairs in a hospital and I wouldn't be falling asleep on my brother's shoulder, waiting for any news that the love of my life is still alive.
How could he possibly ever think that that was a good idea to do? To try to kill himself? What good would it have done?
More importantly, why did he try to do it? Why did he want to die? What could've happened to make him feel that way?
The more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. Yet there's nothing else for me to be thinking about. It's purely impossible.
Suddenly, Krist jerks awake, knocking me off of his shoulder. I yawn and act as if I've been sleeping the whole time, which couldn't be further from the truth.
Krist looks puzzled and scans the hospital room with his eyebrows furrowed. Then they land on mine and I can see it clearly in his expression that he remembers why he's here in the first place.
"You doing okay?" He asks me.
Before I can answer, a doctor approaches us. "Who are you guys here for?"
"Kurt Cobain," Krist answers very quietly.
The doctor nods slowly, then looks over at everyone surrounding us. "He's awake. If you would like to go and see him, you are more than welcome to."
It's as if everything he said was spoken to me in slow motion in a tunnel with his words echoing around me. It didn't seem real. It felt like this moment would never come.
Krist looks over at me, then leans over and notices Dave, but his gaze returns back to me. "Do you want to go see him?"
Despite how much I've been wanting to see him for, all I can picture is him laying down in his hospital bed, looking sickly and miserable and I feel obligated to hug him and act like I'm okay with what he did because I'm just grateful he's alive.
But of course I want to see him. Of course I want to take him into my arms and never let go because I found out that he tried to kill himself and I want to let him know that everything will be okay and that I'm here for him.
That matters more than why he did it. In this moment, all that matters is that he's okay and alive and I get to see him again.
"Yeah," I finally respond.
"Follow me," The doctor instructs. Krist and I rise, letting Dave and Shelli continue to sleep.
We follow him down the hallway leading to Kurt's room. My anxiety increases tremendously as we grow closer and closer to Kurt's room. My hand violently shakes and my breathing becomes irregular.
The doctor pauses before a door that's slightly open and leads into a dark room. A shiver is sent down my spine as I realize that this is where Kurt's room is at.
This is where Kurt is at.
My eyes are furiously attempting to look everywhere but inside of the door. Every inch of me is terrified to see Kurt. I don't know what he looks like, how he's going to ask, if he's changed, how he's going to respond to me being here.
So many things lie on the other side of that wall. All of them I'm terrified to meet face-to-face.
I've been in the situation of Kurt overdosing before, but there's something different about this one. All the other ones have been accidents, but this one was on purpose. He wanted to overdose.
He wanted to die.
I'm unable to move. I'm unable to fully comprehend just what is about to happen.
A feeling consumes my gut; a feeling that's telling me to get out of here. I shouldn't be here right now. I shouldn't be looking at Kurt.
Yet a part of me wants to get a glance at him to see what he's looks like. To see if he looks dead or not. To see if he's still the same at least in some way.
By not going inside, I know that's going to break Kurt's heart. If I was in his position, I would want nothing more than for him to be there for me. Krist going inside and being the first person that Kurt sees might not be the best because then Kurt will know for sure that I'm not there.
I need to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and instead put Kurt's before mine. He needs me. I flew all the way out here for him to make sure that he's okay.
A hand gently rubs up and down my arm. Krist then leans into my ear and whispers, "If this is too much for you, you know you don't have to do it, right?"
Looking up at Krist, I notice how drained and exhausted he looks. His eyes have bags hanging underneath them despite the amount of sleep that he got from waiting in the waiting room. I also know that he probably barely got any true sleep. Not while the truth of what Kurt did lies in the back of his mind.
I shake my head. I know I have to do it, even if it is putting a lot on me. The man I love is lying in a bed after trying to kill himself. I need to see him.
I lean into Krist slightly to let him know that I'm going to need him while we go inside.
Krist places his hand on the edge of the door. He pauses before taking a deep breath and pushes on it. The door creaking is the only noise that we hear.
I follow closely behind him as he leads me into the room. As we peer around the corner, Kurt is visible in the bed.
Krist abruptly stops walking and stands in the middle of the room, staring at his best friend who tried to kill himself.
I wait for him to move, but instead he just stands there. My body begins to tremble as my heart races because I have no idea what Krist is looking at. I need to make sure that Kurt is okay. I take the initiative and step to the side to get a look at him.
Immediately, my body has a reaction. Seeing him lying down in the hospital is bad enough, but seeing him looking so frail hurts even more. I've never seen him this sick before.
His body has always been skinny, but this is the skinniest it's ever been. I haven't even begun to look at his face due to his body looking so unlike himself. My eyes slowly trail up from his legs to his torso and, finally, up to his face.
His blue eyes pierce mine and I'm instantly felt with a feeling of remorse. Although I know that he did this to himself, it still hurts that it happened to him at all. I try to remind myself that he chose to do this, but another part of me just wants to help him and make sure that he still feels loved.
Part of me thinks that it's my fault and that I did something wrong. If something else had happened, Krist or Dave or Pat would've told me about it. But they didn't bring up one thing.
Then, I lose it. Tears stream down my cheeks as I come to the realization that Kurt almost wasn't here. I almost would've never been able to see him again. He would've only existed in my memory.
I almost lost him.
I want to leave. I want to walk out of the room and go into the bathroom and let out all of my frustration about Kurt even thinking about doing it. I want to release my anger on the fact that he tried to do that to me.
Instead I step towards him and pull a seat out and set it beside his bed and hold his hand--his cold hand. I hold his hand to let him know that I'm here for him. I hold his hand to let him know that I'm not going anywhere. I hold his hand to let him know that I wouldn't ever, in a million years, do what he did to me.
I hold his hand because I can't speak right now. There are no words that I could say to him that would be able to express the exact way that I'm thinking. It hurts too much to even think about speaking to Kurt. But that doesn't mean I'm going to leave him. I'm going to stay here.
Someone suddenly approaches next to me. Krist places a hand on my shoulder--even though he should be doing that to Kurt--and stares at Kurt. He doesn't even say a word. He just shuts his eyes, shakes his head, and turns around. He walks out of the room and down the hallway, back towards the waiting room.
It's then that I truly notice Kurt's face. His face that was once so full of life has now been drained of all that ever treated him good. His eyes are an empty void that nothing would be able to fill. His eyes are telling me everything that I need to know right now that he isn't able to say.
I know that Kurt loves me. He knows that I love him.
I rise from the chair and walk over to the other side of the bed and climb into it, resting my head atop his chest. I need to feel him once more. I need to know that he's truly here and not just a figment of my imagination.
I need to know that he's not going to try to leave me ever again.
But there's no way to guarantee that.