"Yeah, I surprised Kurt for his birthday in Italy," I explain to my mom who's sitting down on the couch and sipping some tea.
She stopped by because she "happened to be on this side of town", but I know that's a lie because Kurt and I live in basically the middle of nowhere. I don't mind that she came to visit me, though. I could use the company.
Despite there being a lot of things to be able to do in our house due to how big it is, it does also get really lonely since I'm the only person inside of it.
My mom gasps. "Aww, how did he react to that?"
I cross my legs, leaning further back into the couch to feel more comfortable. "He was really surprised. He was upset when I had to leave though, but that's how it always is."
"It's difficult not being able to be around the person that you love."
"It's harder than I could've ever imagined," I say. "It's really difficult, but Kurt and I are getting through it. I don't even know how much longer he's going to be able to do it for. He seems pretty sick and tired of all the touring and concerts and playing the same songs over and over again."
"Just make sure you don't pressure him into doing something just because you want him to do it," She takes another sip of her tea, then sets the mug down on the coffee table. "What I mean by that is if he wants to stop touring, then that's great, but don't force him to do that just because you want him to."
I nod. "Okay." My eyes wander around the living room and land on a picture of Kurt, Frances, and I. "You know what's weird? I'm not even her mother, but I miss Frances a lot."
My mom smiles. "You do?"
I, too, can't help but grin, flashing my teeth at my mother. "Yeah, I do."
For majority of my life, I never wanted to have kids of my own because I was nervous of how I would treat them. I'm fine with handling other kids, but having kids of my own terrifies me.
That was until Frances came into my life. Because she's not my blood-related child, we have a different bond, but I'm still able to have some mothering aspects in her life. She's taught me how to raise a kid and how to care for one, too. I can whole-heartedly say that I do love her.
I was scared that I was going to treat them like how my father treated me. I thought that I would lose my temper very quickly and take it out on them, which I would never want to do, so my solution was to just not have kids.
But then I met Kurt and now I can't imagine myself without having kids with him (or at least one). I know that now since I've had experience with children that I would be able to control myself and I could never imagine myself taking my anger out on someone else physically like my father did.
"Are you and Kurt going to have any kids?" My mom asks.
"I was just thinking about that," I answer her question. "But yes, that's the plan. Probably after we're married, though, and in a place where we'll be able to be actively apart of their life."
"You're meaning a time where Kurt isn't touring?"
"Yes."
"And what about you? Have you been working?"
It makes me happy that she's asking all these questions about my life. It shows that she's interested and actually wants to know about me because she cares.
But then my mind flashes back to the incident with Eric and how he came onto me, causing me to quit my job and now work as a substitute teacher. The school said that they would reach out to me whenever they needed me, but I have yet to hear from them.
I shrug. "I work as a substitute teacher now."
My mom pouts her lip out, looking severely disappointed. "What happened? I thought you liked being an assistant teacher."
"Yeah, but there were some problems--" I begin but then the phone ringing cuts me off. I furrow my eyebrows, wondering who it could be. I reach over to the other side of the couch and answer it, pressing it to my ear. "Hello?"
Heavy breathing and gasping is immediately all that I can hear from the other end of the phone. Panic flows through my body.
"Kailtyn?!" A worried voice shrieks my name, piercing through my ears. I'm frozen in time, unsure of what to do. Why are they so nervous? "Kaitlyn, it's your brother. Something--Something ha--hap--happ--GOD!"
I flinch, growing very anxious. I feel bad just sitting down on the couch and hearing Krist in pain, but I can't understand what he's trying to tell me. "Krist, I can't understand what you're saying."
"He--Kurt--He--" He then begins to cry.
My body tenses up.
Something happened with Kurt.
Something's wrong with Kurt.
What could've possibly happened? It's nothing that I can help with since I'm all the way in a different fucking country.
My mom notices how I'm acting. "Kaitlyn, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Is Kurt okay?" I ask Krist. I need to make sure that he's okay. If I know that he's okay, then I'll be able to calm down.
"I don't--No. No. He's not okay right now, Kaitlyn. He needs you. He needs you. He--" Krist begins to breathe even heavier than before. "He overdosed again, Kaitlyn."
My mouth clasps over my mouth, as if it's an immediate reaction now to me receiving bad news. Except this time it isn't just bad news. It's a fucking emergency.
It feels as if all the air has been taking out of my lungs. I've forgotten how to breathe. Why can't I breathe?
"Kaitlyn," My mom says in a worried tone, but it's as if she's talking into both of my ears at once, yet different times.
The world begins to spin and I'm losing myself.
I'm losing myself.
I remind myself that I'm losing myself and that I need to find myself again.
I close my eyes and think about where I am and what I'm doing in this moment. I'm sitting down on the couch and I'm on the phone with Krist.
I open back up my eyes and say into the phone, "Where are you? Are you guys at the hospital?"
He ignores what I say. "He needs you Kaitlyn. You need to come down here right now."
I shake my head. "That's not possible, Krist. You're in a different country."
"Then get on a plane and fly here! But you need to come here! I don't know what to do, Kaitlyn. I don't know what to--" He tries to breathe again and then his voice is hushed, but still in use.
Then, the phone fumbles around and another voice comes into the phone.
"Kaitlyn," Shelli's reassuring voice comforts me. "Krist is a mess right now. We all are. It's very complicated, but long story short, you need to come to Rome. We already bought you a ticket before we told you. It's leaving in two hours. Pack a bag, bring some clothes, bring whatever you need, and get your ass down here."
She hangs up the phone and even though I'm in such an amount of shock, I still find it in myself to stand up and explain to my mom what happened.
"Kurt overdosed. I need to go to Rome."
"What?!" My mom shrieks as if I'm a lunatic.
I can't wait for her. I'm rushing up the stairs and storming into my bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag out from underneath the bed and stuffing whatever clothes I find into it and grabbing my toothbrush and my hairbrush.
I zip the bag up and my mom comes back into the room, placing her hand over the zipper and preventing me from zipping it back up.
"What are you doing?" I snap at her. I don't have time for this. Kurt overdosed. I need to get to him.
It still hasn't fully comprehended in my head that he overdosed. Of course I was told that he did, but it doesn't feel as if he did.
"You can't just pack your things and go to Rome," My mom says. "That's not how the world works, alright?"
"My ticket's already bought. Krist and Shelli got it for me. It's leaving in two hours. I have to get there right now."
My mom vigorously shakes her head. "You can't do that, Kaitlyn. You don't know what you're doing. You're going to Rome because--"
"Because Kurt fucking overdosed!" I interrupt her and raise my voice now, trying to make it apparant how dire this situation is. "And I need to be there with him! So please move your hand so I can zip up my bag!"
She slowly, but surely, removes her hand, allowing me to hoist the bag over my shoulder and race downstairs to put on my shoes and grab my keys off of the rack.
My mom follows me downstairs and stares at me as I open the front door. "Just be safe, okay? Do you even know where you're going?"
"I have no idea what I'm doing," I tell her. "But I know that I need to go see Kurt. He needs me."
------------------------
The whole plane flight, I worried myself with thoughts about Kurt and what the hell just happened.
All I know right now is that Kurt overdosed and it's bad. This is now another repeated time that he's done this. It's growing to be a serious problem, but I don't know how to help him.
He keeps going back to his old habits and obviously whatever we've done to help him isn't working. I wish that instead of him going back to his old ways that he could've just talked to me about what was going on. He knows that I wouldn't judge him and that I would help him.
I would help him. I would make things better. I would let him know that everything is alright and I'll always love him and that I'll always be there for him and he doesn't have to resort to drugs to numb his feelings because he's upset.
What Krist and Shelli also didn't tell me is how/why this happened. I don't know how serious this is or if he did this purposefully or not, which has only madae me feel worse.
The last time that Kurt and I talked, we weren't on the best terms with each other. We argued and fought and didn't end things on a good note.
I shake my head, trying to rid myself of those thoughts. But it doesn't work. Everything still circles back to how I feel as if this is all my fault, yet I don't know why I feel this way.
After walking around aimlessly through the airport in Rome, I meet a worker who speaks English. He directs me to a phone and I blank, not sure what number to call.
But then that's when I hear it. Kurt's name being spoken about.
I turn around behind me and see a T.V. talking about him.
"Kurt Cobain institutionalized in a hospital in Rome after an overdose," A man on a T.V. says. "It's reportedly said that he fell into a coma and is currently unconscious."
Horror strikes and my worst fear has come true. The worst part of the overdose took over him.
He's in a coma.
He's unconscious.
I don't know for how long he's been like this or if he's even alive.
I listen for the hospital name and run out of the airport and I luckily notice a taxi that someone just climbed out of. As soon as the woman steps foot out of the cab, I jump into there and hand money to the driver. I speak out the name of the hospital and slam the door shut, not taking "no" as an answer.
As he begins to drive away, that's when I can relax. That's when I can comprehend everything that's happened in the past couple of hours.
That's when I realize that Kurt is not okay.
----------------------------
Stepping inside of the hospital was a very difficult task, considering that all of the press was there, taking pictures from outside, which I find extremely disrespectful.
I notice Dave slouched over in a chair. I walk over to him and he notices me, jumps up, and pulls me into a hug.
It seems like he needs it more than I do. I wrap my arms around him and give into it, realizing how hard this has been on him, too.
And it's then that I finally cry. It's then that the tears flow out of me and onto his and my shirt. It's then that I feel Dave's tears fall into my hair. It's then that I know how serious this situation really is.
Dave pulls away and wipes his eyes, not stopping crying, though.
I don't think I've ever seen Dave cry in all the time that I've known him, so this only pains me more. I wipe my eyes and open my mouth to speak. "W--Where's Krist?"
Dave points over to the side of me and there I see Krist sitting down in a chair with Shelli resting her head on his shoulder. Without hesitation, I quickly walk over to him and soon as he spots me, he too, stands up and pulls me into his embrace.
I continue to cry. I have nothing else to do. I don't know any of the details or why this is happening. I don't know what I could've done differently to prevent this from happening.
"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm sorry."
"Don't," Krist says.
That's all he needs to say. It speaks for everything that doesn't need to be said.
"What happened?" I pull away from him, staring into his eyes so he can see how much pain I'm in.
He shakes his head. "I can't say, Kaitlyn."
"Yes you can. You fucking tell me right now."
"He tried to kill himself."