Waking up knowing that Liza made moves on Kurt multiple times makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel useless and worthless. I don't feel good enough for Kurt.
He could do so much better than me. He could find someone that wouldn't hurt themselves to the point where they almost accidentally killed themselves.
I still feel bad about what I did to him and the pain I put him through. He didn't do anything to even remotely deserve that. He'll never truly know how sorry I am.
I turn to my side and stare at Kurt who's peacefully sleeping. His head is tucked under his head and he's turned to me. He's sleeping with a long-sleeved pajama shirt and pants. He's so simple, yet has so many layers to him.
It takes a lot for Kurt to allow someone into his life. He has trouble trusting people and he doesn't get along with people who are assholes--which are a lot of people in his life, especially famous people.
As if he was listening to my mind, his eyes flutter open and he stares deep into mine, then shuts them and lays back down on his stomach, clutching and holding onto his pillow while groaning.
"Why'd you wake me up?" He asks in his gruff, morning voice.
I shake my head. "I didn't, Kurt."
He lifts himself up and looks up at me, propping himself up with one hand and just stares. He opens his mouth as if he wants to say something, which I desperately want him too, but he just shuts his mouth again.
Kurt and I didn't talk anymore about the situation with what happened with him and Liza simply because there was nothing else to say. What happened happened and there was nothing we could do to change that.
But here I am and I want to talk about it. I want to know his feelings about it. I want to know if he liked it or not. I know that he's going to tell me he didn't, but I'll be able to tell by his facial expressions if he's lying or not.
He furrows his eyebrows. "What's wrong?"
I give him a look, signaling that he doesn't need to ask what's wrong to know what's going on. He sighs and readjusts himself, sitting up and draping the blanket across his body.
"I just don't like what happened yesterday and I feel like it just got excused," I admit, feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. "Because we didn't talk about it."
"Well what about it do you want to talk about?" He asks.
I shrug, not even knowing the answer myself. So I begin to lay out my emotions. "I just don't like what happened and how calm you were about it...as if it was a normal thing, because that's not a normal thing, Kurt. It's not normal for someone to come onto you, especially when they know you're in a relationship. I mean, she lived with us, for fuck's sake!"
He sighs. "I know. It's a weird situation that I didn't expect for us to be in."
He seems uninterested, as if he doesn't really want to talk about this right now. I'm sure he doesn't because it's making him uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean that we can just set it aside.
"Kurt," I slowly speak. "If I didn't walk in on you and Liza, would you have even told me about what happened?"
He readjusts himself, sitting up straighter than before. He begins to mess around with his fingers, intertwining them with one another. "If I'm going to be honest, yes I would've. Just not right away."
I scoff. "And why not, Kurt?"
"Because I wouldn't want to damage your relationship with Liza. She's the only friend you have; I wouldn't want to ruin that for you."
I stare deep into Kurt's eyes. "Let's get one thing straight, okay? I do not want to be friends with any person that tries to force themselves onto you, do you understand?"
"Okay," He says and I know he understands me. He doesn't look away after the words spill out of his mouth, though. He just continues to stare at me and a smile gently forms in the corner of his mouth.
I immediately grow insecure, thinking that he's smiling because I look ridiculous. "What? What's wrong? Do I look weird?"
He chuckles. "No, you've just come a long way."
I furrow my eyebrows, still confused as to what he's implying. "What?"
"When I first met you," He begins. "You were too afraid to speak up for yourself. And now look at you. You kicked Liza out of our fucking house."
I chuckle, knowing that he's right. I never would've thought that I'd be able to come this far as a person and be able to speak up for myself. For majority of my life, I was put down for even speaking a word that I disagreed with my father for, and now I'm able to disagree with anyone without feeling scared or shamed for it.
A lot of that is thanks to Kurt. He's put me in situations where I've had to get out of my shell and feel more comfortable with myself. He's also helped me restore self-esteem in myself, constantly admiring me and telling me how much he adores me.
He has so much faith in me and he believes in me, more than anyone has before. He tells me all the time how proud he is of me. He also tells me that when--not if, but when--we have kids that he wants them to be just like me. He added that he didn't want them to be an ounce like him.
He hates himself so much and it really upsets me. He doesn't realize the amazing human being he is. He just sees himself as this junkie with a failed marriage who's trying once more, but in his words, "I probably will fuck that up, too".
But I see the opposite of that. I see a beautiful man who takes everything that he does and uses it to help other people. He creates this music that people worship him for, yet he still sees himself as a useless waste of space.
"You and Frances are the only things that keep me going," He told me one night. We were laying down in bed and he confided in me enough to tell me that. It shattered my heart. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just kept my mouth shut and held him.
I wish he could see himself through my eyes, to see him the way I see him. It would change his whole outlook on his life and himself and how he portrays himself for other people to see.
"Do you ever wonder what our kids will look like?" He asks.
"We're having multiple?"
"Of course," He decides. We've never talked about how many kids we're having, but according to Kurt, we're having more than one. "Frances needs siblings, does she not?"
"She does," I agree. I know from experience how lonely it gets without siblings. It'll be good for Frances to have buddies.
"One boy and one girl," He continues. "The boy will be older than the girl. Girl, boy, girl."
"We can name the boy Axl," I immediately glance over at Kurt and see the daggers he shoots at me with his eyes. I burst into laughter knowing how much it bothers him.
"Ohh, you think it's funny do you?" He raises an eyebrow. "You think my hatred for Axl fucking Rose is so funny?"
Rolling my eyes, I pout out my bottom lip. "It just sounds like you're intimidated."
"I am not intimidated by that woman-beater," He raises his voice, seeming so serious, making me only laugh more. I'm doing all this to push his buttons and it amuses me how much it's working.
He stares at me while I laugh, and I immediately become self-conscious. I shut up and stare at him, but then he looks down at my lips.
I know what this means.
We lean towards each other and our lips instantly connect with one another. We begin to kiss passionately as I place my hand on the back of his head, pulling him in more towards me.
"I can't imagine a life without you," I whisper.
He stops kissing me and then pulls back a little staring at me intensely. "I feel the same way. We always come back to each other, you do realize that, right? No matter how many times we argue or yell at each other, we always come back because we love each other."
I nod vigorously. "Even breaking up didn't stop us."
"I'll never stop loving you."
"I'll love you forever, Kurt. Until I die."