Arriving at the airport in New York causes me to get stressed out. I've never been in an airport before, and the fact that this is really crowded makes it worse.
Kurt gave me directions on where to go, but I know that I'm still going to be really stressed out during it, which is why Krist decided to send Shelli with me.
She's just as clueless as me when it comes to where we're supposed to be going, but at least we're clueless together. We would look like idiots if we were just on our own.
Kurt and I have only talked once since our last phone call (the one where he told me about the concert) and it wasn't even a good conversation. We were very short with one another and we were on the brink of arguing before he concluded the phone call, saying that we were only angry. But before that happened, Kurt was gracious enough to tell me how to get through to the airport and where to go.
That was the first time we were both angry. Earlier that day, Emma and Aubrey were running around and playing, and then they knocked over a glass cup that was on the counter. I was angry because Kurt bought it for me and it meant a lot.
It was a very light shade of pink and it had my name etched onto it. He told me that he bought it for me as a welcome-home gift. It meant a lot more to me than it should've because he paid for the house and everything, and yet he's getting me a gift without expecting one in return.
After they broke the glass, I lost it. Liza was in the shower, so she wasn't able to tell them what to do. I had to tell them to go upstairs while I was bawling and without hesitation, they ran once more upstairs.
I had to clean up the glass all on my own and vaccum. Right after, Kurt called me, so I was in a bad mood and apparently he was, too. I still haven't told him what happened because he would just say he'd get me another one.
The problem is that I don't want another one. I wanted that one and I made that very clear when I was on the phone with him. He got mad at me for reacting like that since he was trying to help me and hung up the phone.
"Kaitlyn!" Shelli violently shakes me.
I freeze, standing in my spot with my eyes wide open. That exact gesture took me straight back to my father, the very thing that I'm scared of.
"Shit, I'm sorry," She reaches out to put her hand on my shoulder, but then retracts it as if she shouldn't dare touch me.
Taking deep breaths, I look ahead and notice the sign that's above us pointing to everything and everywhere. "Kurt said to just go down to the lower level and get out of the airport."
"Kaitlyn, are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--"
"You're fine," I assure her. "Let's just get out of here, alright?"
She looks up at the sign. "Let's take the escalator."
We go forward, each carrying our own single bag, and find the escalator. As we go down it, I look around to see where the exit is.
My eyes land on the right side of the building and I see people coming in and out of the doors. I nudge Shelli gently in the shoulder. "We can leave through there."
Once we get to the end of the escalator, Shelli and I make our way through the hundreds of people hurdled in crowds, trying to figure out where to go.
If we were here with Kurt or Krist or Dave, everyone would go berzerk and we would have no way out of here. Everyone would just crowd around them and ask for autographs. It would make everything worse.
Shelli and I exit the airport, finally feeling the ability to breathe without feeling everyone around me crowding in on me.
"Alright," Shelli says. "Let's find a cab and get to the hotel."
There's a long line of taxis right in front of us, so we easily get into one, tell them the hotel name, and he drives us there.
Luckily it's near to the airport and not too far. When we arrive, Shelli gives him cash and I step out of the vehicle, clutching my bag in one hand and waiting for Shelli to come out.
We thank the driver, then walk inside and go straight to the elevators. I remember the room number it was from what Krist told Shelli. Kurt didn't call to tell me anything besides where to go through to the airport, and that was already when we were on the phone. He must be too mad at me.
We arrive at the fourth level and exit the elevator, making our way down the long and narrow hallway, the hotel room is on the left side. Shelli stops in front of it and knocks.
I can hear their voices through the door getting closer and closer. The latches for the lock click and then the door opens. Standing there is Krist. He wraps Shelli in his embrace and kisses her.
"I've missed you so much," He kisses her once more, then gently shoves her inside. When he sees me, he gives me a hug, but not nearly as harsh as the one he gave to Shelli. "Hey, Kaitlyn."
"Hi," I say and step inside of the hotel room, not wanting to have a huge conversation when I'm still in the hallway.
"Well if it isn't the ladies," Dave says, entering the room with a woman on his arm--his girlfriend Jennifer. They've been together for a little while now, but I've never really entertained the thought of her.
Shelli approaches her and shakes her hand. "Hi! I'm Shelli."
"I'm Jennifer," She reaches forward and returns the gesture.
Krist approaches beside me. "Why don't you go say hi to her?"
"I will in a second," I say. "I just got off of a plane; I'm exhausted."
"You sound just like Kurt."
I roll my eyes. "Gee, thanks."
"What's going on with you?" He asks.
"Nothing," I say. "I'm just trying to relax. I was just on a really long plane ride and I'm exhausted and there's all these people trying to talk to me. I just need a second."
Krist huffs. "Okay, well I don't know how to help you."
"I didn't ask for help," I say.
"Okay!" Shelli walks in between us and turns to me. "You're obviously in a bad mood, so why don't you go somewhere else where you're not going to make everyone mad?"
I grow angry very quickly. Shelli isn't the person to say that type of shit. Normally she's the peacemaker and wants everyone to get along, so I must've done something to make her mad.
"Where would I even go?" I ask.
"Maybe with your fiancée?" Krist says in a very mocking tone.
I glance over at the bedrooms and see that only one of the bedroom doors is shut--Kurt's. I don't even want to go in there right now. We haven't been on good terms for a little while, so it's just going to be awkward when we see each other.
Like Krist and Shelli said, I'm in a bad mood right now. I'm just going to make Kurt mad. He's probably already mad right now.
As much as I don't want to go in there, I just want to get away from everyone else. It feels like they're all ganging up on me as if I'm a bad person.
Maybe this is how Kurt feels a lot of the time.
I reluctantly walk over to the door and take a deep breath before knocking on it.
"What?" Kurt asks in a very annoyed tone, dragging out the sound of the "a".
I take this as the chance to just open up the door. The worst thing he could be doing is drugs and I know that he wouldn't be doing that right now, so maybe the only reason why he has the door shut is because he wants privacy or he was taking a shower.
I open it up and see him sitting down on the edge of the bed with a journal and pen in his hands. His eyes shoot up and penetrate mine.
I stand in the doorway, unsure of how I should approach him. Should I hug him or is he too mad at me?
We just exchange glances with one another as if we haven't seen each other for an eternity.
"I'm in a bad mood," I say. "They told me to leave them alone and go in here."
He chuckles. "Funny because they told me the same thing. I think they're talking about you right now."
I turn around and through the cracked door, I listen to their conversation. Kurt appears behind me, pressing his ear to the door, too.
"She was just rude the whole flight," Shelli says and I assume she's talking about me. "She barely talked to me and when I did she wouldn't even respond. She would just ignore me. I don't know if something happened or if she's mad at me--"
"Maybe she's about to start her time of the month," Dave suggests.
"Shut up, Dave," Krist jokingly says. "Yeah, I don't know what's going on with her. Something's been going on with Kurt, too. He's been in a bad mood. Sometimes when they call each other, I hear him get mad. So maybe something happened between them."
"I hope not," Shelli says in a wary tone. "They love each other."
"Love conquers all!" Dave yells.
I back away from the door, not wanting to hear any more. "What a wonderful way to start this trip off."
"They make us sound so grumpy."
"Well, we are pretty grumpy."
He shrugs. "Whatever. That's their problem."
"Not really, though. It's our problem since we're the ones acting like this and being rude."
He scoffs. "Are you really trying to argue with me here, too? First over the phone and now when we finally see each other?"
"Oh my God!" I yell and run my fingers through my hair. "I can't fucking do this, Kurt. I can't do it. You always turn nothing into something. I was just saying that it was our fault and we should stop being rude."
"You're always disagreeing with me and trying to make me out to be wrong," He says. It seems like he's finally saying the root of the problem and why he's been so angry with me lately. "Every single fucking time you turn something into an argument."
"Kurt, an argument is a bad thing. I don't start an argument. I just disagree with what you're saying. It's okay to not see eye-to-eye all the time. Why can't you fucking understand that?"
"Oh, so I'm just wrong? What if you're the one that's wrong, Kaitlyn?"
"That's what I'm talking about!" I yell once more and breathe heavily, feeling myself just get angrier and angrier.
I feel hopeless, like Kurt and I are never going to get back to what we were. As long as he's on tour, we're going to just argue with each other constantly.
"Kaitlyn," He says softer. "We're supposed to be a team and you're just going against me."
"I'm not trying to," I whisper. "I just have different opinions than you and that's okay. You can't get so mad at me just for thinking differently. I'm not trying to tell you that you're wrong, I'm just saying what I think."
"This is hard," He finally reveals what's been bothering him all along. I knew that he wasn't mad because I kept arguing with him. "Doing this long-distance shit is hard, I know, but it's not just hard on you. You make it sound like I get it so easy, but it's fucking hard on me, too. You don't think I miss you? You don't think I miss my daughter? I haven't seen her in months, Kaitlyn."
I lay down on the bed as I think about what he said.
He's right. I've been acting like the only person that gets hurt in this situation, that he doesn't have feelings too. That's why he's been acting like this.
I pat the spot right next to me and he lays down. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes, enjoying the moment.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm really sorry."
"I'm sorry," He says. "I'm really sorry."
"I love you, Kurt," I say. "I don't mean to act like that and I'm sorry. It's just been really hard on me, too."
"I know," He sighs. "God, I feel like shit. I haven't even asked you how your job's going."
I sit up, ready to tell him all about it. "It's good. The teacher is 30, so it's easy to talk to him. And the kids love me, they really do. I go outside and I play with them and they tell me about what they do over the weekend and whenever they cry, they go to me. It's just really a good feeling."
He smiles at me as I talk, so I stop as I realize that he's doing that. He's thinking about something and I want him to tell me.
"You know, you're going to make a great mother someday," He says.
"Well, I'm waiting for the day where we can try to make that happen," I honestly say. I've been wanting a kid for my own now. Seeing Frances has only increased my longing for kids.
He nods and leans his head back again, staring up at the ceiling.
Even though we haven't spoken to each other, I know we're both thinking the same thing.
His drugs have to go away before we bring a child into the world.