After putting my hair up in a bun and brushing my teeth, I finally bring myself to walk out of the bedroom.
Normally I'm not up this early, but I've been awake for the past two hours--since five in the morning--and I'm ready to eat something and get my mind off of what happened between Kurt and I.
I shake my head, removing the thought. Instead, I grab some toast from the cupboard, place it in the toaster and watch it toast as I stare at it with nothing else to do.
My mind still continues to wander back to Kurt no matter how much I want it to. There are so many different places he could've gone to and I would have no idea. He took his car and left; I checked this morning by looking out my window and into the parking lot.
When the toast shoots up, I unplug the toaster and set down the single piece of bread onto a plate I have. I put butter on it, then eat it.
After I finish, I toss the plate in the sink and remember suddenly how I treated Dave and Krist last night. I internally slap myself, angry that I allowed myself to get that overwhelmed and hurt/treat them like that.
All they were trying to do was help me and that is how I repaid them.
Instead of going to my bedroom to call them and apologize, I decide to go to the living room and use that phone. As I turn the corner and see the couch, I let out a yelp as I see a pair of legs across the cushions.
My expression softens as I recognize those legs. I continue to walk further and see Kurt laying down on the couch, his head resting on a pillow and he's laying with no blanket.
I immediately feel bad, wondering how long he's been there for. I grab a blanket and drape it across him, then look down at the floor and see Frances' carseat empty. She must be in her bedroom sleeping.
Despite how mad I am at Kurt, I couldn't be happier to see him laying down on the couch. I'm thankful that he's not anywhere else right now.
Love makes you do terrible things. I'm forgiving him for what he did, which is terrible. After how much he hurt me, I'm still not as upset with him for what he did.
Trying not to think too much about it, I grab the phone resting on the table and dial Krist's number, hoping that he'll answer soon, despite how early it is.
When the line still continues to ring after a couple seconds, I realize that he's not going to be answering anytime soon.
My eyes make their way back to Kurt who's softly sleeping. His hands are propped beneath his head like a little girl taking a nap.
I don't know how I didn't see it sooner, how he was obviously really upset and was asking for help without actually asking for it.
Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I had something to do with why he did it. Maybe if I did something different, none of this would've happened.
He and I could be sleeping in the same bed right now without any conflict.
Everything feels hopeless. I don't know what to do. No matter what, we always go back to the same dark spot that we were in before. We always argue and fight. One of us ends up leaving for short amount of time, then we come back, make up, and the cycle repeats again.
It's exhausting and unhealthy. We shouldn't be like this.
A knock on the door interrupts me. I go up to answer it, wrapping my robe around my body, then unlock the door and see two little girls with a middle-aged woman behind her, who I assume to be their mother.
"Good morning!" One of the little girls exclaims. "My name is--"
I quickly remember that Kurt is asleep on the couch, so to not wake him up, I force myself outside, bumping into one of the girls, and shut the door behind me. "Sorry, my fiancée is sleeping and I don't want to wake him up."
From time to time, I forget that Kurt is my fiancée, so whenever I get the chance to call him that, it always brings a smile to my face. He wants to marry me.
"My name is Aubrey," The girl continues, whispering this time. "We're Girl Scouts and we're selling cookies. Would you like to buy some?"
If Kurt was the one who answered the door, he would've said no and slammed the door shut in their faces. But, that's where he and I differ. Even though I don't really want cookies right now, I'll do it to help them.
"How much do they cost?" I ask.
"$5 per box," The other girl grins.
The mom has kept her hands on the girls' shoulders the whole time, almost as if she's protecting them. Either I look really ugly and weird, or she thinks I might hurt her kids.
"What flavors do you have?" I ask.
The girls go through the list of all of them. By the time they reach the end, I forget everything that they said.
"Let me just go grab my cash; I'll be right back," I assure them and they giggle, jumping up and down softly.
I go inside the house, shutting the door behind me, then grab my wallet in my purse that's resting right beside the front door. I look back at Kurt for one second to make sure he's alright, and to no one's surprise, he's still sleeping.
I walk back outside and open my wallet to see that I have multiple dollar bills.
"I'll get three boxes," I say. "Two Tagalongs and one Smore's please."
As the mother checks off the orders on the list, the girls grab my boxes and hand them to me.
"Thank you so much," The girls say in unison.
"How old are you guys?" I ask them, not wanting them to leave yet. It's been a long time since I've interacted with kids that age, and I miss it.
"I'm six," The younger one says.
"I'm ten," Aubrey says.
"Do you guys live around here?" I ask.
"Yeah, we live on the other side of the complex," The mother speaks up now. I guess she doesn't dislike me. "We've never seen you around before."
I awkwardly chuckle. "Yeah, most of the time I'm inside or I leave to go somewhere else. I don't really know anyone that lives here, so I don't interact a lot."
"Well now you know us!" She reaches forward as a gesture to shake my hand. "I'm Liza."
"Kaitlyn," I shake her hand, then pull away. "I'm surprised you guys got up this early to sell cookies. I feel like some people would be mean and annoyed that you're up this early."
"We've had a couple families tell us to fuck off," She says, cussing in front of her kids as if it's a normal thing.
If I had any kids, I know that I wouldn't do that, but every parent is different.
"They were very angry with us," Aubrey giggles. "But hey, at least we made some money."
"How long have you been here for?" Liza asks.
"Umm, I think a little under a year?" I say. "I really don't know. Too much has happened for me to remember."
"Oh I'm sorry," She immediately turns sympathetic, as if it was worng of her to ask that question. She then reaches inside of her pocket, takes out a cigarette, and begins to smoke it.
At seven in the morning.
Before I can say anything, the door opens behind me. I turn around in horror and see Kurt, who looks like he has bed hair, emerge from the doorway and stare at the family in front of us. He squints his eyes, the sunlight being too bright for him.
"Oh. My. God." Liza says, comletely expressionless, her eyes darting back and forth between Kurt and I, but then they stay on mine for a while. "That's where I've seen you from! You're the one that was in the magazines--the pictures. You're the one he had an affair on Courtney with. I knew you looked familiar."
I have no idea how to react. I'm left there, standing at her with my eyes widened out of embarrassment. She obviously has no filter and feels very comfortable with people very fast. It's taking my by surprise.
"I'm sorry, who the hell are you?" Kurt asks, coming by my side.
I nudge Kurt in the shoulder. "Kurt! There are kids here."
The younger sister scoffs. "Mommy cusses in front of us all the time, it's fine."
Liza chuckles. "Your fiancée bought girl scout cookies from my girls."
"That doesn't answer my question," Kurt says.
"I met them just now," I explain. "They were selling girl scout cookies and I bought some from them, then we were having a conversation and then you came out."
Kurt nods solemnly.
"I'm Liza," Liza reaches forward and shakes Kurt's hand, even though Kurt clearly didn't want to. She takes a drag, then turns away and blows it away from us. "Well, it was nice meeting you two. Kaitlyn, you and I should hang out some time."
I'm amazed by how much she pays attention. First she remembers that Kurt's my fiancée, then she remembers my name.
I'm fascinated by her. She might be the most interesting person I've ever come across.
"Yes we should," I smile. "Well, you know where I live, so come by sometime."
"You're going to regret saying that," She laughs. "Come on, girls. Let's go to the other apartments."
Liza, Aubrey, and the other girl leave and walk to the right, away from us.
"That was so fucking weird," Kurt walks back inside, leaving the door open for me.
I hesitate to walk back inside the apartment. I know that the second I do, things will go back to the way they were and we'll have to talk about what happened yesterday.
I don't want to talk about what happened. That's not how I deal with things. Talking about things makes whatever happened that much more real and makes it harder for me to get over.
Slowly, I go inside, shutting and locking the door behind me, and find Kurt sitting down on the couch, lighting a cigarette.
"Kaitlyn," He begins.
I cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it."
He looks surprised. "What do you mean?"
I shrug. "I just don't want to talk about it. There's no need. You overdosed, you're fine now, you're not dead."
His face falls as if he's offended by it, but then quickly fades away and a sort of smile appears in the corner of his lips. "You sure?"
"Just don't do it again," I tell him. "Kurt, if you do it again, I don't know what I'm going to fucking do, alright? I might break up with you, I don't know, but it's not normal and I don't want you making it a normal thing, okay?"
He nods. "Okay, I promise."