May 2016
**YOUR POV**
The next day consisted of lots of organizing the funeral and everything that would happen tomorrow. It was stressful and emotionally draining for all of us.
I could see that Harry wasn't able to think clearly anymore at some point, so I suggested to go for a walk to take his mind off everything.
He hesitated for a while until he gave in and we slowly walked down the familiar street towards the small park.
He slid his hand in mine after a while, giving mine a gentle squeeze.
„This is all so surreal." He admitted.
„It is." I agreed. „Life can change so quickly...it's so unfair."
„Yeah." He nodded. „It's more than unfair. You know...I can't wait until this is all over and we're back home, but at the same time I don't want this to be over, because it would mean I would have to let go...forever...and I'm not ready to let go."
„I understand, H and it's okay not to be ready. You don't have to let go just because it's all over. Everyone needs their own time to deal with loss, to accept it and eventually let go. You need to take the time you really need to deal with this."
„You're right. I'll try." He gently squeezed my hand again. „Thanks." He leaned in to kiss my lips.
„No need to, baby." I squeezed his hand this time.
„Shit, come on turn around." Harry suddenly said, swiftly placing his arm around my hip and turning me around.
„What's happening?" I wondered, confused.
„Paparazzi." He said, walking faster.
I sighed, annoyed that they would show up here in our hometown when we were for a reason that made it even more inappropriate for them to show up.
We quickly went back to Anne's house, luckily without them following us all the way back and continued on organzing and planning.
At some point later in the evening, I heard Harry talk to someone on the phone, hanging up some time later before he furiously stormed outside into the backyard where I was sitting while Gemma and Anne were in the living room.
„Hey, hey, what's up?" I frowned.
„I was supposed to carry the casket together with my stepbrothers and cousins. I should have been one of them. I should have been the one paying him his last respects." Harry started still furious. „But I can't, just because I'm not supposed to lift anything because of my damn back." He paced around.
„I'm sorry you can't be one of the people carrying it-."
„I should be doing it with my stepbrothers. He was like a dad to me, this is so stupid. It's been six months, I should be allowed to carry stuff by now." He continued, furiously.
„You're not allowed to, because it's still too soon. You'll hurt yourself if you'd push it now. Your spine can't handle it yet."
„I know! Thanks for reminding me once again how messed up my fucking spine is!" He snapped at me.
I furrowed my brows, confused at why he was screaming at me. „I'm just trying to help, Harry."
„Well you're not helping. I can't hear it anymore! The only thing I wanna do is pay him his last respects and I can't even do that! I don't need you reminding me of what can happen if I did this or that! I don't need you to keep telling me what I can't do!"
I felt the tears suddenly well up in my eyes as he kept yelling at me, his eyes furious, looking scary. „I'm just looking out for you, I- I don't understand-."
„Oh just shut up. I'm a grown man, Y/n. I can look out for myself. I don't need you telling me what to do!"
„You know, you're not the only one here grieving, Harry! I lost him too, you know?! All I did is shoving my feelings aside and trying to make you feel better, to help you get through this and what are you doing for me in return? You're yelling at me for no fucking reason! I didn't do anything wrong!" I yelled back, tears falling down my cheeks. „I'm grieving too, but I don't see you caring about my feelings!" I cried, more tears falling.
I didn't even let him respond, instead I just grabbed my phone and made my way inside the house towards the stairs to my own room instead of Harry's.
„Y/n, wait!" He called after me. „Wait, I'm-."
I turned around mid way through the living room, earning concerned looks from Gemma and Anne, but I didn't care and ignored them. „Save it, Harry! Just save it and leave me the fuck alone."
„Y/n, I'm so-."
„I said leave me alone!" I ran upstairs and shut the door behind me before I locked it and let myself drop onto my bed and just cried.
Why would he even just yell at me like that?
I heard a knock on my door just a little while later, knowing it was Harry. „Can we please talk?" He asked through the door, his voice calmer than earlier. Anne must have reminded him of his place down there. „Please."
„Go away, Harry." I responded coldly.
„Please, Y/n. I hate myself for yelling at you."
„Should have thought about that before you did. Now go away, I don't wanna see you right now." I said, sniffling, more tears falling down my cheeks, my emotions mixed with anger, sadness and grief. „Don't expect me to come to bed, I'll sleep here tonight."
„Y/n..."
I didn't say anything, just cried silently into my pillow that I pressed in my face so that Harry couldn't hear me. I didn't want him to hear me crying, I didn't want him to think I was weak and my voice would just reveal how hard I was crying so I rather said nothing at all.
But as stubborn as Harry was, he didn't let go of it. „Say something, please." He continued and knocked again.
„Go away, Harry...just leave, I need space."
„I'm sorry." He said silently before I heard him walk away.
And somehow him walking away just made me feel worse, causing the tears to keep coming.
Harry was my person, the one I loved so much and the one I'd lean on whenever I wasn't okay and that made fighting with him even worse, because whenever we did fight, I was on my own.
I didn't have my Harry I could go to...to comfort me and to tell me it'll all be okay. I was on my own, like I was right now.
He hurt me, my feelings. He yelled at me for no reason at all, even though I did nothing but try to help him.
I didn't deserve this and he just had to get that and understand I was suffering too. I was sad too and I was grieving as well.
I hated being all alone, dealing with it myself, when all I wanted was being in his arms, being held by him, by my person...but not after how he behaved towards me. Not after the way he screamed at me so angrily that my heart started to race and I got scared looking at him.
Harry was my person, but tonight he became someone else.
It wasn't him, not my sweet Harry. Not the Harry I got to know when we were little kids and hasn't changed ever since. Not the Harry I got together with at 14 years old. He wasn't my sweet, angel Harry tonight.