It's been a week since we went to Krist's and Shelli's, yet I still can't get that conversation Krist and I had out of my head. I've been thinking about it nonstop and it's really been affecting me lately.
Even Kurt has noticed it. I haven't been as affectionate with him as I normally am. Everytime he goes to kiss me, I allow him, but the second that it becomes more than that, I have to stop it. At this point, I've just avoided kissing him as a whole so I don't have to keep telling him no.
He's asked me about it a couple of times. He's asked me what's been going on, but I lie to him and tell him that it's nothing. I don't want him to know that I'm having second thoughts about our engagement.
Krist brought up a good point that Kurt and I are both fucked up. I'm fucked up because of everything that I've gone through and Kurt is fucked up mainy because of his drug use. We both have issues that we haven't solved yet. Isn't that only going to affect us negatively? I don't want to get married to Kurt just to get a divorce.
It's been really negatively affecting me. The thought of Kurt and I breaking up tears me to pieces. He's the only man that's ever made me truly happy in a romantic way. He makes me feel better about myself and he knows exactly how to lift me up. He's everything that I've ever wanted in a man-besides the drug usage.
I'm not even sure if I'm going to break up with Kurt. The fact that the thought is only entertaining my brain and I'm already feeling like shit.
"Okay, what movie should we watch?" Kurt snuggles into bed with me. He starts getting closer to me, so I attempt to discreetly scoot away from him to start to get used to not being able to be around him if we do break up, but this only makes him angry. He sighs and sits up. "Kaitlyn, what the fuck is going on?"
I get startled by his sudden outburst. "N-Nothing, Kurt. I-"
"Don't fucking lie to me," He points his finger in my face. "You have done nothing but push me away for the past fucking week. Week, K! You'll give me a hug, but that's it. I can't even kiss you. I can't hold your hand. I can't hold you. And I've been wondering if it's me or if I did something or anything, but I can't think of anything." He's holding back his tears at this point.
I turn my face away, not wanting to look at him. I know that what I'm doing to him is fucked up, but I can't tell him why. That would only hurt him more.
Kurt is a very insecure and sensitive person. If I tell him what I'm thinking, it's only going to make him feel worse about himself. The divorce with Courtney already did its damage, but this would only make it worse.
I don't want to tell Kurt what I'm thinking until I'm 100% sure I'm going to stay with him or 100% sure I'm breaking up with him or even 100% sure if I'm just going to break off the engagement, but I'll still date him. Maybe all we need is a little more time.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," I finally look back at him and see that he's on the verge of tears. "It's not you, okay? It's just that I-ugh-I don't know what's going on, okay?"
"Bullshit," Kurt snaps back automatically. "You know exactly what's going on but you just don't want to tell me."
How am I supposed to tell him? I don't know how to bring this up to him without him thinking that I'm going to break up with him. I'm not going to break up with him-at least I don't want to right now-and I wish that there was a way I could tell him this and he'd understand it.
I wish he could just read my mind and know exactly what I'm thinking and why. I want him to know that it's not just him, but it's mainly me. Maybe we're just not that good for each other.
"Kurt," I sigh, struggling to say the right words. I don't want him to be mad at me.
He stands up off of the bed. "Kaitlyn, I don't know what to fucking do!"
I stare at him and feel terrible. I'm a terribly person for making him feel like this and not giving him an explanation.
As a fiancée, it is my job to be there for him-physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. I'm supposed to be affectionate with him. I'm supposed to let him know that I love him. But how can I do that if I'm not doing what a girlfriend should?
I take a teep breath as I realize I need to tell him what's been going on. It's going to come out eventually, so I might as well just tell him now. "Should we even be engaged?"
His face falls. He looks as if he's just seen a ghost. His hands begin to tremble and his face softens. "W-W-Wh-What? I-I-I d-don't understand."
My heart breaks as he says this. I knew that he was going to have a despairing reaction to this. I just wasn't prepared for it.
"Kurt, it's not you," I quickly assure him, but then regret saying that. "What? No. Kurt, I'm not saying that I want to break off the engagement. I'm not saying that at all, I'm just-" I stop talking as I realize he's not paying attention to a word I'm saying. He's hyperifxated on the ground and just staring at it.
I stand up and walk towards him. I reach my arms out to hug him, but he just pushes them down. A pit of emptiness fills in my stomach.
This is how he felt.
For the past week, I have been repeatedly doing this to him. I've been rejecting his affection left and right. Every single time that I've done that, he's felt like this, but he never spoke up for himself. He always left it alone and respected it.
That's just how Kurt is. He would never force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do. He always puts everyone before himself. Why? He doesn't care about himself.
Tears well up in my eyes. There's too many emotions that are going through my mind and I can't comprehend them.
"Kaitlyn," Kurt slowly looks up at me. "Why?"
"Just look at us," I throw my hands up in the air. "We're so fucked up, Kurt. Me with everything that I've gone through and you with your drugs, we just might not be ready."
He groans. "Kaitlyn, I don't do that anymore! God, why don't you believe me?"
"Kurt, I never said that you're still doing it. It's in your past, though, and you haven't fully gotten over it."
"Don't say that!"
"If someone were to give you some heroin right now-I don't know how it fucking works-would you say no? Would you have the strength to turn it down? Just once, Kurt. That's all it takes. Only one time and youre hooked in again."
He looks like I've betrayed him. "Where did this come from? We were doing so good. Ever since the dinner last week, you've been-" He stops talking and looks at me as if he's come to a realization. "Kaitlyn, what did Krist talk to you about?"
I look down at the ground. I don't want Kurt getting mad at Krist. I've already caused so much harm to both of their lives and I don't need to make things worse. "He just asked me how I've been doing-"
He puts his hands in mine and lifts my head up to look at him. "I need you to be honest with me."
I sigh. "Kurt, I can't right now, okay? I can't deal with all of this." I break my hands out of his grasp and go into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I slide against the wall and fall onto the floor, tucking my knees into my chest.
I want to cry. I need to cry. I need to release all that I'm feeling, but nothing's coming out.
Then I hear Kurt's loud voice muffled, but coming from a different room. I jump up and follow his voice to find him in the living room. He has a phone up to his ear.
"What did you fucking tell her?!" Kurt shouts into the phone.
"Kurt," I softly say and put a hand on his shoulder.
He sees me and goes angry again as I hear a noise coming from the phone. "You had no fucking right to tell her that!"
I know that Krist is not going to be happy that Kurt is telling him that. Krist is my brother and he has every right to be telling me that. He's just looking out for me. Sometimes I think that Kurt forgets Krist is my brother.
"Kurt, get off of the phone," I tell him. He looks straight at me, but ignores me and continues to listen. "Please just hang up."
He looks at me and sighs. "Krist, Krist, I have to fucking go." He slams the phone back to where it belongs and I jump at the sudden noise.
He reaches onto the couch and puts his jacket on. He grabs his keys and I ask him where he's going. "I'm going out."
He shuts the door behind him.
I don't see him for the rest of the night.