"Yeah, I'm surprised Courtney even let you come," Krist says to Kurt jokingly, but we all know that a prt of him isn't joking.
Kurt rolls his eyes. "Can you shut the fuck up?" He walks into my kitchen and grabs a slice of pizza. I know that he hates when people perceive Courtney as controlling or manipulative. He truly does love her. I mean, I would hate it if people said shit like that about Cash all the time.
Krist, Dave, and Kurt came over to my apartment to have a little alone time from their band and everything-to take a little break. It feels like old times at Krist's and Shelli's house when we would all just hang out there.
"How's Frances been?" I ask Kurt, attempting to take his mind off of what Krist said.
His whole face lights up. "She's so amazing. She and Courtney are having a little mother-daughter time right now, but I still miss her. I hate that I'm doing this-the band-so much because I feel like I don't get to see my daughter enough. But God, she's just perfect. Have you seen how tiny she is?"
I nod my head. "Yeah, I have. She looks so sweet."
"She is," He smiles just thinking about her.
I remember when he used to do that with me.
I wipe the thought from my head. I shouldn't be thinking about those things; I'm in a relationship.
"Who wants a drink?" Krist holds up a beer in the air.
Kurt and Dave both walk over to Krist, so he hands them both one. My mind transports to their release party of Nevermind and how they all got so wasted that Shelli and I had to drag them home.
Krist wanders over to my wall where I have a picture of me and him hanging up-the one that Shelli took of us laughing. "I'm going to need a copy of this."
"Yeah, it's a really good picture," I say.
He walks back over to us. "I miss this."
"Miss what?" Dave asks.
"All of us hanging out together."
"I was literally just thinking the same thing," I chuckle at him.
"Great minds think alike," He takes another sip of the drink as soon as there's a knock on the door.
I instinctively walk over to it and open the door to find my dad standing in front of me. I gasp as I remember why he's here. "Shit, I'm so sorry! Fucking hell!"
His face falls as he sees everyone behind me. "Oh, you forgot?"
"I'm so sorry," I want to cry. He's done nothing but been there by my side for the past couple of months and this is how I repay him? By forgetting that we had plans tonight?
"Oh, that's fine," He says softly, clearly upset that his own daughter forgot that they were supposed to go out to dinner. "Um, we can just plan a different day."
"Who is that?" Krist calls out. He always wants to know who I'm talking to just to be safe.
"It's my dad," I reply.
"Oh. What's he doing here?"
I turn around to face him. "We were supposed to hang out, but me being the fucking terrible bitch that I am, I forgot about it."
"I'll just come back tomorrow or something," My dad says and gets ready to leave.
"Have him hang out with us!" Krist comes up with that idea, but Kurt furrows his eyebrows at him.
Kurt has never met him before and I can tell that he doesn't even want to. After everything that he's done to me, I know that Kurt doesn't approve of my actions. He's the one person that I know will never come around. He's the most stubborn person I've ever met in my life.
I chase after my dad who walked out of the door. "Hey, you can come inside!"
He whirls around and his face lights up. "You would want me to?"
I smile. "Of course. Come on."
He follows me inside and I feel grateful that Krist suggested that. It shows that he's willing to make a change for me like an older brother should. My dad shuts the door behind him and walks over to the table.
"So, this is Nirvana," He clasps his hands together. Most people would be astonished to see them, but my dad isn't. One of the things that hasn't changed about him is his sense of authority and his ego. He is not intimidated by them and he never will be. I know that he thinks that he's better than them.
"Yes we are," Krist wraps an arm around Kurt's and Dave's shoulders, pulling them into him.
I feel bad that my dad is in here because I know that Kurt was just trying to enjoy himself, but now he can't. Pure disgust fills his face as he stares at my dad.
"Wow, that's crazy," My dad says, taking a seat at the table. "Krist, I wish I could say that I remember you when you were little, but your mother kept you hidden from me."
"As she should," He accidentally blurts out and then laughs obnoxiously after.
My dad sarcastically chuckles and I can tell he's getting angry. "Are you drunk?"
"Noo," Krist rolls his eyes and takes another sip of his beer.
Kurt gets out of Krist's grasp and walks into the kitchen. I want to walk after him and check up on him, but I know that I can't do that anymore. I'm not his girlfriend.
"I've met you before," My dad points at Dave, but then turns his head towards the kitchen and Kurt. "I haven't met you before."
Kurt is either ignoring him or completely oblivious that he's talking about him.
"Kurt," I say his name to catch his attention. "My dad was saying that he hasn't met you before."
He locks eyes with my dad. "Oh. Well, I'm Kurt." He walks back towards us with a slice of pizza on a plastic plate.
"I'm Kaitlyn's old man," My dad says.
"I know."
"How?"
"Kaitlyn's told me about you," Kurt says, taking a bite into his pizza.
My dad looks up at me. "Oh really? Are you and Kurt close or something?"
"We used to date," Kurt answers for me.
I don't know why he said that, but it bothers me. I didn't want my dad knowing. I guess I just wanted a sense of privacy from that time in my life.
"You used to date Kurt Cobain?" My dad looks at me as if that's such a surprise.
I feel myself crumble inside. Most of the confidence that I had vanished. I don't know why my father had to say it like that, but I know that he meant it like that.
Deep down, my father doesn't have faith in me. He doesn't think that I could amount to anything that I do now.
"Yes I did," I awkwardly say.
"It's more like I used to date Kaitlyn Watkins?" Kurt saves me, noticing that I'm upset by my father's comment.
"No, I don't think so, buddy," My father jokes and stands up. "Do you mind if I get a slice of pizza, Kaitlyn?"
I shake my head, not wanting to talk to him. I don't even want to look at him. He walks towards the kitchen and I wipe my eyes in case and tears had fallen.
"Hey, we should all play a game!" Krist says.
"What game?" My father asks, returning back to the table.
"A card game. Kaitlyn, where's your deck of cards?"
"I'll go grab them," I go into my bedroom and kneel down on the ground, opening up the drawer closest to the ground full of card games.
"I don't like him," I hear Kurt say.
He followed me.
"I'm sorry," I say and grab my deck of cards, then stand up and face him.
"Are you okay?" He asks me.
"I'm fine," I force a smile.
He folds his arms across his chest. "You're telling me that you're not at all upset by that comment he made?"
"He's just joking," I defend him. In all honesty, I'm a little scared of my father right now, so I don't want to do or say anything to piss him off in case he's listening to us right now.
"I don't think he's joking, Kaitlyn."
"Okay, well, I'm a big girl, I can stand up for myself," I walk past Kurt and back into the dining area. I set the cards down and take a seat next to my father. Kurt joins us and sits in on the far left, next to Dave. He's directly across from me.
Krist takes the cards out and shuffles them. "Where's Cash at?"
"He's working," I reply.
"Oh. Does he live here?"
I nod my head. "Yeah, he moved in last month."
"Oh really?" Kurt perks his head up. "That's a big step."
"Yeah, I know," I smile. "But we're ready to take that big step."
"Have you guys had sex yet?" My father asks.
I chuckle. "I'm not telling you!"
"Okay, okay, but if you do, make sure you're being careful. We don't want you getting pregnant, now do we?"
I roll my eyes. "Of course not."
"Yeah. I'd feel bad for the baby."
I go back to looking at Krist, but then my heart sinks as I realize what he said. My face falls and I look away from him.
This is how it all started. He used to make jokes like that at me when I was younger, and then it slowly escalated. I could never defend myself, though, because I'd just get into trouble.
I look away to my right, away from my father, and then I feel something press down on knee. I look underneath the table and see Kurt reaching his hand across, resting it on my knee. I look back up at him, but he's not looking at me. He's looking at Krist dealing the cards to everyone.
It feels wrong of Kurt to be doing this. It almost feel slike I'm cheating. But, right now, I don't worry about that. Because in this moment, all I need is to feel like someone is there for me. And Kurt knows how to do that. He always has.
"We're going to play bullshit," Krist says, scotting everyone's cards towards them.
"I don't know how to play that," I admit and take the cards in my hands and fan them out.
Krist explains it to me. "If you're still confused, your dad can help you. You'll get the hang of it as we go along."
Sadly, Kurt removes his hands from my leg to pick up his cards. I try to act unphased by it, but I can't help but feel like he didn't even mean to do it. He probably did it out of pity and not because he wanted to.
I catch onto the game very quickly, like Krist anticipated. I wasn't winning, though. They could tell when I was lying.
I ended up losing the game and my father didn't seem to surprised by it.
"Well, I've never seen someone that terrible at lying," My father says.
I have to bite my tongue to prevent me from saying, "I do-you. When you used to tell me that you love me." I know that he would probably beat me if I said that, so I decided against it. Instead I chuckle as if he's joking.
"It's my first time," I shrug my shoulders.
"I've never seen someone do that bad on a first try," He cackles, holding his hand over his stomach. "I'm just messing with ya, Kaitlyn." He ruffles my hair as if I'm a boy.
I slide my cards over to Krist. "I don't want to play anymore; I'll just watch you guys."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, is it because of what I said?" My father asks.
"No," I lie, shaking my head. "I just don't like that game."
"Oh, alright," He slides his cards to Krist. "One more round!"
I am good at lying, I think to myself. But then that thought quickly fades. If I'm as bad at lying as he says I am, then that probably means that he can see right through me.
He just doesn't care.
I stand up. "I think I'm going to go outside for a breath of fresh air."
No one even says anything. It's like I didn't even speak. I storm out to the front of the apartment complex and take a seat in the grass patch right in front of my window.
I hear the door open and shut behind me, so I whip my head around and see Kurt joining me. He sits down next to me and takes out a cigarette. He lights it and then starts to smoke.
"You're not going to offer one to me?" I ask, surprised that he didn't since he normally does.
"You always say no," He tells me.
I nod my head softly. "Yeah, I do."
"Why are you letting him talk to you like that?"
"Who?"
"Your fucking father," He snaps.
I turn my head away from him. "Kurt, you wouldn't get it."
"You're right, I don't," He's raising his voice now, clearly pissed off. "I don't get why you're allowing him back in your life. Do you know what he fucking did to you? I saw what he did to you, Kaitlyn. He made you hurt yourself. He fucking hurt you!"
"I know!" I snap at him, tearing up. "God, you think I don't know, Kurt? I know. You don't know what it's like not having a father figure in your life, Kurt. You wouldn't get it."
"Are you fucking serious?" He looks angry now.
"What?" I throw my hands up in the air. "You never told me anything about your family, so how am I supposed to know what's true and what's not?"
Silence passes through us like a ghost. I immediately regret saying that. I had no right to say that, especially since I don't know what he went through. It's none of my business and he doesn't have to tell me if he doesn't want to.
There I go again fucking everything up. I always do. I start to softly cry, hating myself in this moment.
He sighs. "My parents got divorced when I was seven, I think. And I went back and forth. Well, none of my parents wanted me. So, I had to stay with my other family members who also didn't want me. Then, one day, I went back to my father's house for a little while. He decided he didn't want me anymore and dropped me off at my mother's house. She was pissed. I've never spoken a word to my father since. I don't want anything to do with him."
I look at Kurt in horror, immediately feeling worse about what I said. I would say that that's worse than what I went through. His father straight-up dropped him off at a different house. At least my father actually wanted me.
I can't imagine going through that. Knowing how sensitive Kurt is, that probably fucked him up so bad.
I don't know what to say. I don't know whether to comfort him or not. If I did, he might find that weird because he already went through it and got over it. But what if he didn't get over it and he's expecting me to say something to him?
I don't say anything. Instead, I wrap my arms tightly around him and give him a hug. It takes him a while to hug me back, but when he does, I know how perfectly we fit together.
We've always been that way. We're like two peas in a pod. No matter how hard we try to avoid each other, we always come back to the other.
I never want to let go of him. When I'm with him, I feel complete.
He slowly pulls away from me and stares at me deeply in the eyes. I get lost in his eyes. His eyes say so much about him-they show how hurt he is, but no matter how hard he tries to hard it, he won't be able to. His eyes travel down to my lips and that's when I snap back to reality.
I break the eye contact and push myself away from him. "I'm sorry you went through that, Kurt."
He takes a while to respond. It's like he's processing everything that just happened. He looks around us and then clears his throat. "It's alright, Kaitlyn. It's not your fault."
"Do you think we should go back inside?" I ask, wanting to get rid of the tension that's surrounding us.
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," He crushes his cigarette underneath his feet and we walk back inside.