After a couple of days, I ended up telling Cash about Kurt and I. He was very patient with me and let me know that if I didn't want to talk about it then I didn't have to. But, once I told him, he wasn't even mad.
I was scared that he was going to be mad after this whole time, but he wasn't. He let me know that if I ever wanted to talk about it, I could.
I also told him about Ethan and why we broke up.
Cash was amazed by the fact that I had already dated two famous people. I didn't really see them as famous people, though. I got comfortable with them and had the same respect towards them as anyone else.
I grab the spatula and scoop it underneath the grilled cheese, then bring it to my plate. I pour myself some of the tomato soup and put it on the table. I take a seat and start to eat my food when there's a knock on the door.
I groan and drop my spoon down in the bowl of soup and get up to answer the door. I unlock the door and open it up. When I see who's standing there, I let out a yelp.
"Kaitlyn?" He asks, smiling as soon as he sees me.
Shit.
Fuck.
Oh no.
His voice pierces my soul.
How is it him?
There's no way it could be him?
I'm left speechless, my jaw is dropped as I stare right in front of me. I have nothing else to look at except right in front of me.
"H-Hello," I say, my voice shaking almost as hard as the rest of my body.
I'm terrified on a whole different level. I know that I could slam the door, but I'm too scared to find out what might happen afterwards if I do that.
"Kaitlyn," He says softly.
I take a deep breath in, trying not to let him hear that I'm crying. Hot tears are flowing down my cheeks one by one. My left hand is shaking so hard that it's vibrating. My legs are about to give out.
"Y-Yeah?" I ask.
"God, Kaitlyn," He says one more time, clasping his hands over his mouth. "You look so grown up." He puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it gently.
I flinch and close my eyes, turning my head away. There used to be a bruise on my shoulder from him, but now it's gone. It's been a couple years since I've ever endured something like that.
"W-What are you doing here?" I ask, trembling underneath his touch. I keep my eyes shut because I'm too scared to look at him. I'm suddenly thankful that I live in an apartment complex because if he were to do anything, I could just scream and someone would help me.
Hopefully.
So many thoughts are racing through my head that I can't properly think.
"You're my daughter," He finally lets go of my shoulder, but I can still feel his grasp on it. "I needed to see you. It's been...what, two years? I haven't seen you since you just got up and left."
I'm surprised that he hasn't hurt me yet. I know that he's angry at me for leaving, so why isn't he hurting me? I want him to just do it and get it done and over with instead of just waiting to do it and making me more terrified.
"I'm sorry," I start crying harder, knowing that he's going to hurt me any second now.
"Hey, it's okay," He comforts me.
Wait.
He's comforting me?
I finally open my eyes and look at him. He has a soft expression on his face-something that I've never seen before-and he has a soft tone-something I've never heard before.
"What's going on?" I ask him.
"I know I fucked up, Kaitlyn," He admits and starts crying. "God, do you know how terrible I feel?! I hurt my own daughter with these hands-my bare hands!" He holds his hands up and starts shaking them. "What kind of father fucking does that? I know that I can't take that back from you and I can never, ever redo all of that again, but I miss you, Kaitlyn. I've gotten better.
"I've taken anger management classes and I got a job, Kaitlyn. I work at a gas station. I've been cleaning up the apartment and I've been taking care of myself."
I stare at him for a long time, trying to figure out if he's lying to me or being genuine. I've never seen my father cry before, so that must be a sign that he's being serious.
"I'm so sorry, Kaitlyn," He continues, sobbing harder. "You don't know how shitty I've felt these past couple of years that I've been gone. You are the one thing in my life that I love. I know that I've never shown that to you in the way that I should, but I want to make it up to you."
I immediately grow terrified as I come to a realization. "How did you find me?!"
"That's a long story," He brushes it off and continues on his speech. "But I'm willing to talk to you about everything that you want to know. I want you back in my life, Kaitlyn. I love you so much and I'm so sorry, Kaitlyn. God, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
He gets down on his knees and starts bawling in his hands. I stare at him on the ground as he just continues to cry.
It makes me cry. My father has always kept his emotions hidden for as long as I can remember. Seeing him here on the ground makes me wonder if he's actually sorry, or if he's just faking this so he can have control over me again.
I want to hug him and tell him that I forgive him. I want to believe that he has really changed and he's not lying. But I can't trust him. Not after everything that he's put me through.
I don't know what to do. I know that I could slam the door on him and lock the door, but he's going to find me. He's found me once, why in the world wouldn't he do it again?
"How can I trust you?" I whisper. "How do I know that you're being serious?"
He looks up at me with hope in his eyes and stands up. "We can talk to each other in public. We can be around people and I'll show you that I'll never hurt you again. I never want to hurt you ever again. If I could cut off my hands and grow new ones just to show you that I've changed, I would. I would do that a million times just for you."
I look back at notice my purse is sitting on the edge of the kitchen table. I really think about what I'm going to do next.
I'm still terrified of my father and I'm too scared to tell him no. I don't want to know what happens when I tell him no. I also want to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him know that I'm willing to try again.
I've already rebuilt a relationship with my mom, why wouldn't I be able to do it with my father?
"Do you want to go get dinner?" I ask him.
His eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. "Yes, yes, I would."
"Okay. There's a Mexican restaurant right across the street. We're going to drive there separately. I will meet you there."
He nods his head and extends his arms out to give me a hug. Out of reflex, I yelp and cover myself to protect me.
"God, Kaitlyn," He cries out. "Do you do that every time?"
I slowly remove my arms over me and stare at him. I slowly nod my head. "Sometimes."
He covers his mouth. "I did that to you."
"It's okay," I lie, but want to let him know that I'm going to try to forgive him. "Um, you can just start driving there. I'm going to get my shoes on and grab my purse."
"Oh, of course," He clears his throat and walks away.
--------------------------------------------
I enter the restaurant and see him sitting down at a table all alone. I debate running out of the restaurant and call Krist to let him know what's going on, but I could never do that to my father.
Despite all that he's put me through, I still love him. It's something that I wish I didn't feel, but every daughter will always love their father, no matter how much they say that they don't.
I walk towards him and take a seat across from him on the booth. He smiles as soon as he sees me and folds his hands.
I notice that he's cleaned up. He got a haircut and he lost some weight. His teeth are no longer yellow, either.
"God, you've grown so much," He says. "I know it's only been two years but I feel like you grew up so much."
I chuckle softly, partly uncomfortable. "Yeah, um, I've just gotten older."
He smiles. "There's so much I want to say. There's so much I want to know."
"Yeah, me too," I mumble.
"What's that?"
"Nothing," I say and thankfully the waiter comes up to our table and orders our drinks. As soon as he walks away, I clear my throat. "Well, you look better than before."
"Thank you," He looks down at himself, then back at me. "You look like your mother."
"Thanks," I say.
"Why did you leave, Kaitlyn?"
I glare at him. "Are you seriously asking me why I left?"
I take a second and realize what I'm doing.
I'm stepping up to my father.
Two years ago, I would've never even thought about doing that. I have always been too scared to disagree with him, but now I know that he can't do anything to me if we're in public. I could say the most horrendous things to him and he wouldn't be able to lay a finger on me without getting intro trouble.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He takes a deep breath in. "You left with your boyfriend, right?"
I nod my head. "Yeah, I did."
"Talk to me about him."
"Why would I do that?"
"Well, I never got to met him."
"Yes you did. You fucking hurt him."
He closes his eyes and leans his head back. "I understand all that I've done, Kaitlyn, believe me. I know what I did wrong. But you're going to have to let some of that go if we're going to work past this."
"I need closure," I let him know. "I can't just go my whole life without knowing why you did that to me-why you hurt me every single day since I was twelve."
"I had problems, okay?" He admits as the waiter comes by with our drinks.
"Are you guys ready to order yet?" He asks.
"Not yet," I reply for both of us.
"Take your time," The waiter says and walks over to the table next to us, checking up on them.
"I'm sorry, Kaitlyn," My father continues. "I'm so sorry. I just...I want to get to know you. I feel like I don't even know you."
As much as I want to fight back at him, I bite my tongue. "What would you like to know?"
"How long were you and Ethan dating for before you guys left?"
"Two years."
His eyes widen. "Two years?"
"Yes. Two years."
"Are you guys still together?"
"No. We broke up last year."
"I'm sorry," He says. I've never heard someone apologize as much as he has in my life.
"It's alright. It just didn't work out."
"Are you still single or have you met someone?"
I think before telling him about Cash. I wonder if he already knows and is just asking me to see if I'm going to lie to him. Then I also remember that I haven't even told my mom about him. It's fucked up to think that I'm about to tell my abusive father about my boyfriend before my loving mother.
"I'm in a relationship, yes," I reply to him.
"Tell me about him."
"No. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't trust you. All you know is that we're in a relationship now. I'm not telling you anything else."
He nods his head in understanding. "Ethan's been in some big movies now."
"I know," I sigh. "It's crazy. I always knew that he was going to be able to do it."
"Well, I see that you've put your life together."
I nod my head. "Yeah. I met my brother and I lived with him and his wife for a while. Now I'm on my own."
"Do you have a job?"
"Yes. I'm a realtor."
He smiles at me. "Kaitlyn, I'm so proud of you."
"Why?"
"Because after everything that I've done to you, you've still found a way to make light of the situation."
"I wanted to kill myself because of you," I spit at him and then the waiter walks up to us.
"Are we ready to order?" He asks.
"Yes," I reply. "I'd like to just get a bean and cheese burrito please."
"Perfect," He turns to face my father. "And you?"
"I'll have the same," My father replies, clearly looking upset.
I want to feel bad for him, but I can't. He deserves to know what he did to me-how he made me feel, what he made me do. He made me feel like shit for six years of my life without ever feeling bad about it until now.
He can handle the truth.
"I'll take your menus out of the way," The waiter grabs our menus and walks away.
"You wanted to kill yourself?" My father leans in closer, tearing up.
"Of course I did," I reply, as if no normal person wouldn't want to. "I felt dead already. You hurt me so bad one time that I thought I was going to die. God, you hurt me so much that I couldn't take it and ended up hurting myself just so I could feel stronger than you. I didn't want you having that much power over me to the point where I wasn't in control of my own emotions.
"I have permanent scars on my arms. I still do it occasionally. Did you know that? No, you don't. I burned myself. I cut myself. I degraded myself. I would always tell myself horrible things about me just so that I wouldn't be as affected by you."
Once I'm done talking, I notice that my father is crying a little harder. He wipes the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kaitlyn. I don't know what to say."
"I've never hated you," I ignore what he says. "As much as I tried to, I never hated you. I always made up excuses as to why you hurt me. 'Oh maybe he's just having a bad day.' 'Oh, well, maybe he lost his job.' I even convinced myself that you used to have a different daughter and she died or something and you would take it out on me because you missed her.
"I never, ever spoke badly about you to anybody. I've only ever told the truth."
"Wait," His face falls. "You've told people?"
"Yes?" I rhetorically ask. "What's wrong with that?"
"I could get into trouble, Kaitlyn," He says and I can clearly tell that he's getting angry.
"They're not going to do anything; they've known for years now."
"Who knows?"
"Ethan, my ex-boyfriend, my brother, his wife, my brother's bandmate, and my mother."
He nods his head. "Are you okay?"
I stare at him. "No I'm not okay. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay again. When people raise their arms, I flinch. When people yell, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I'm so fucked up, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't talk to a therapist about it because then I'd have to tell them that I have an abusive father and they would have you arrested."
"You don't want me to get arrested?" He asks.
"If I wanted you arrested, you would be in jail by now."
He clears his throat and readjusts himself. "Can we start from the beginning and make small talk?"
"Sure. Let's do that."