"I don't know," I rub the back of my neck after explaining my encounter with Kurt a couple of nights ago to Shelli and Krist. "I just feel like I'm never going to get over him."
"That's a problem, Kaitlyn," She says.
"I know," I groan, hating that she's right. I want her to tell me that I still have a chance with him, but that's not Shelli.
Shelli likes the perfect lifestyle: two people that fall in love and get married, then have kids.
Krist, on the other hand, has a completely different perspective. "Everyone hates Courtney."
"Do you?" I ask him. I've tried to convince myself to ignore Courtney and my curiosity about her, but I want to know all about her. I want to know what she looks like, how she acts, everything. I want to know why Kurt is attracted to her.
"I have my opinions," Krist shrugs his shoulders and helps Shelli put away the groceries. "She does a lot of heroin. I bet you that her and Kurt are shooting up today."
"Krist!" Shelli shoves Krist. "That's not okay to say. You know how Kurt feels about that."
I grow confused. "Wait, what do you mean?"
"Nothing," Shelli quickly replies, glaring at Krist.
"Do they do drugs?"
"A lot," Krist mouths, then smiles after realizing that Shelli didn't hear him.
I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Just picturing Kurt doing drugs makes me feel uneasy. I know that he did them occasionally while we dated, but he stopped as soon as I found out about it. He stopped for me.
Why was he doing it now?
"They invited us for dinner tonight," Shelli adds, then glares at me. "All of us."
I raise me eyebrows in confusion. "Me?"
"Yes you," She replies.
I shake my head. "I cannot, under any circumstances, go to dinner with them."
"Come on, Kaitlyn," Krist rolls his eyes. "It's the nice thing to do."
"No," I say firmly. "I'm not going."
------------------------------
We arrive at Kurt and Courtney's apartment. It's a fairly nice apartment. It's not too big, judging from the outside, but it's also not too small.
I want more than anything to be anywhere else right now. I don't want to see the woman that Kurt fell in love with. I don't want to see her. It's just going to make me feel worse about myself.
I don't have any confidence in myself due to everything that I've endured from my father and everything that he's told me. Kurt helped me gain some of that confidence back, but I know that this whole night, I'm just going to be comparing myself to her.
Courtney.
Her name is Courtney.
Courtney's a pretty name. Most pretty names belong to pretty girls.
I bet Courtney's way prettier than me.
"I'm getting it!" I hear Kurt holler from the other side of the door.
I hear the latches click and my body reacts. I tense up and start shaking. Kurt opens up the door and smiles as soon as he sees us.
"Hi guys!" He steps aside and lets us in.
We walk inside and I notice how it's a mess. There's trash all over the floor and just shit everywhere-clothes, magazines, notebooks, everything.
It reminds me of my father's house. It was never clean. I would always have to clean it up, but he would go ahead and trash it right after, then get mad at me for it not being clean even though it was his fault.
"I'm coming!" A woman screeches from another room. Then I see her come out. She is a tall woman with crazy blond hair that reaches her shoulders. It looks like she hasn't brushed it in days. She has heavy makeup on and a big nose. Her body is very slim, too.
She doesn't look like Kurt's type at all.
She walks up to Kurt and gives him a big kiss.
My body aches and I feel my legs about to give up. My heart has shattered into a million pieces.
I just saw him kiss another woman.
As soon as she pulls away from him, she glares at me. "Who are you?"
"This is my sister," Krist quickly replies. "Her name's Kaitlyn."
I want to wave at her, but I can't. I'm too busy trying to shove my tears back down my throat.
"Oh," She replies dryly. "Anyway, food's ready."
Kurt notices me being upset, but he doesn't say anything. It's almost like he's too scared to.
We all follow Courtney into the kitchen and take a seat the dining table. I sit in between Krist and Shelli, as if they're protecting me from something.
I fidget with my fingers underneath the table, regretting my decisions of coming. This night is only going to hurt me more. I've already had to hear Kurt talk about Courtney, but now I've actually seen her.
She's very pretty. She's much prettier than me. She's confident, too. That's something I could never be. Her legs are skinnier than mine and she just seems much more happier than me.
"How many slices do you guys want?" Kurt asks.
"The whole thing!" Krist jokes. "Shelli and I will have two! Kaitlyn, how much would you like?"
"I'm not hungry," I mutter.
"Kaitlyn will have one slice," Krist tells Kurt.
"No, I'm not hungry," I raise my voice so Kurt can see me.
"She'll have one," Krist looks down at me and I can tell that he's worried for me. "When's the last time you've eaten, Kaitlyn?"
I look down and try to remember the last time. I haven't been eating a lot lately. I've been really busy with work and eating just isn't a priority for me. When I was a teenager, it was a rare occasion if I ever ate.
It's been hard breaking the habit the past couple of years, but I have been eating more often. Just not as much as Krist would like.
Krist looks out for me a lot and I can tell that I stress him out a lot. He wants the best for me and he knows that I don't take care of myself.
"I think a couple days ago," I reply honestly.
"It's been a couple days," He lowers his voice so no one else hears. "That's not okay. Just at least eat something. Please."
Kurt brings everyone their slice of pizza, including me. We all thank him and him and Courtney sit across from us. They lock hands underneath the table and I lose my appetite-more than I already had.
"So how have you been, Courtney?" Shelli asks, making light conversation.
"I've been wonderful," She replies, taking a bite of her pizza and talking with her mouth full. "Kurt and I have been writing songs, actually."
"For your band?"
"Yeah, but just in general, too. Kurt really likes helping me. Don't you, Kurt?"
Kurt smiles softly and nods his head. "Yeah, I do."
Courtney continues to talk about her, but I can't help but notice that she always seems to bring Kurt up in the conversation. It's not a bad thing, except for the fact that she's basically bragging about him.
I randomly become nauseous, so I scan the room for a trash can, but can't seem to find one. I glance around for a bathroom, but can't seem to find one of those either.
"Are you alright?" Kurt asks me, noticing how I'm nervous.
"Yeah," I quickly lie. "Um, actually, where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall to the right."
I quickly stand up and walk to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me and locking it. I sit down on the ground and let out my cries, but very silently.
I don't want anyone hearing.
Seeing Kurt and his fiancé was harder than I thought that it was going to be. They look so perfect together. She's so extroverted and he's so introverted. They're the complete opposite of each other, but they look so good.
She apparently also does drugs with him, so that's a plus.
I take off my pants and look at my leg. There's a scar that I gave myself from the night that I found out that Kurt had a fiancé.
I couldn't take the pain. The whole drive home, I was crying and I wanted to stop hurting, so I hurt myself instead. The only problem is that this time, I went a little too deep. It was bleeding profusely right after, but now it's not as bad. It bleeds from time to time, but not as severe.
I look around for something that I can use, but then I stop myself.
What the fuck am I doing?
I'm at my ex-boyfriend's house and I'm trying to look for things to use to hurt myself. I stand up and pull up my pants, then button them. I wipe my face off with water and then stare at myself in the mirror.
It doesn't even look like I cried.
I walk outside and return to the dining table. No one was talking, but as soon as I sit down, Courtney grabs Kurt's arm.
"Honey, you look so handsome!" She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
I turn my head away and avoid them all while eating my pizza.
"So, Kaitlyn," Courtney sneers. "Krist never mentioned that he had a sister before."
"Oh," I reply shortly. "Well, I'm real."
She mockingly laughs at me for a second, but then immediately shut her mouth as if she was never laughing in the first place.
It reminds me of my father and how he used to do that. Whenever I was younger, I would tell him a joke and he would do that same exact thing. He never apologized for doing that; he didn't even see anything wrong with it.
After everyone finishes eating dinner, we go over into the living room and listen to Kurt and Krist discuss music.
I can tell that Kurt doesn't really want to talk about it. He seems so exhausted. I wonder if it's from the music, or how attached Courtney is to him.
She hasn't stopped touching him since we've been here. She's basically on top of him right now. She always looks as me to make sure I'm watching how her and Kurt are with each other. Well, more like how touchy she is with Kurt.
I think about whether or not Kurt even likes that. While we were together, he never minded being physical in public, but he was never all over me and I was never all over him-unlike Courtney.
"So...have you ever met Kurt before?" Courtney asks me.
Kurt's eyes grow wide and he answers for me. "No, we've never met before this."
"He's a hunk, isn't he?!" She shouts right in his ear and I see him wince.
Part of my heart sinks as I realize that Kurt doesn't want Courtney dating. Is he ashamed/embarrassed that he ever dated me? I don't blame him if he is.
Courtney is a step up from me anyway.
"How come you never mentioned her?" Courtney asks Krist as if they've been friends forever.
"Because it wasn't important?" Krist sarcastically asks.
Courtney smirks at Kurt and nods her head. "I think it's time."
"No," Kurt shakes his head vigorously. "I'm not ready yet."
"WE'RE PREGNANT!"