"A date?!" I shout into the telephone, pacing the room back and forth. "No, I didn't think of it as a date."
"Well he seems to think it was," Krist replies.
I run my fingers through my hair and groan. "I wish he would've made that clear."
"Any normal person would've known that that was a date, Kaitlyn."
"You have to understand that I don't pick up on social cues very easily, Krist," I retaliate, getting very defensive. "Well now I feel like shit. What do I do?"
"You just have to communicate with him," Krist explains.
I've never thought of Dave in a romantic way; I've always thought of him as a friend. But now that he told Krist about our "date", I feel bad. I didn't even think about it in that way. I assumed that he was just wanting some alone time to catch up with me.
"I'm an idiot," I groan. "Goddamn it."
"He's coming over later. Would you like to tell him then?"
I freeze at the thought of that, but I know that it's the right thing to do. "Yeah, that sounds good. Right now?"
"Right now's good."
I nod my head slowly. "Alright. I'll be there."
--------------------------------------
Dave smiles at me as he walks through the door. I try to reciprocate the smile, but I can't, knowing that he's smiling because he thinks that there's something more going on between us than what is actually happening.
"Hi, Kaitlyn," He waves to me awkwardly.
I wave back. "Hi, Dave."
We continue to stare at each other for a while. No one else is in the room to tell us to knock it off.
That is until Krist walks out of his bedroom. "Hey, man!" He gives Dave a hug and then turns around to face me, giving me a look and gesturing towards Dave.
My body starts to tense up and my stomach drops. I don't want to hurt him. I never want to hurt anybody.
"D-Dave, can we talk?" I stutter out.
His eyebrows furrow, but he continues to walk towards me. "Yeah, of course."
He follows me outside into the backyard. My hands are shaking so hard that they're vibrating.
I face him, but don't say anything. I don't know what to say. Dave is a great guy and any girl would be lucky that he even thought about them in that way. But I'm not that girl.
"Are you alright?" He asks me, putting a hand on my arm and gently caresses it.
His touch doesn't make me feel any better. His hands are icy cold.
I look back up at him, his hand still on my arm. "I-um-I-" I sigh, then take a deep breath. "Are you under the impression that our last hangout was a date?"
He looks hurt by this and removes his hand from my arm. "'Hangout'?"
Seeing his pain on his face doesn't make me feel any better. I haven't even rejected him yet and he's already hurt.
"Yeah," I shrug my shoulders. "Umm, I didn't know that it was a date."
"Oh," He shoves his hands into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels. "Well, I thought you knew."
I look down at the ground, embarrassed too. "I'm sorry, Dave, but I don't-"
"Please don't finish that sentence," He interrupts me.
I continue to look down at the floor, staring at the pavement and avoiding eye contact with Dave. I'm hurting him.
I hear his footsteps retreat and the back door slam shut. I'm frozen in place, as if my feet are glued to the floor. I'm too scared to look up and see what's going on inside.
Now it's going to be awkward between everyone in Nirvana. First Kurt and now Dave. After this, I don't know if I should be going to their concerts anymore.
I choose to go inside and I hear multiple voices. I look up and my heart stops.
No.
Not him.
My eyes widen as we make eye contact.
I forget how to walk.
I forget how to move.
I forget how to breathe.
"Would you like to come in?" Krist teases.
I break the eye contact and walk inside, shutting and locking the door behind me.
I somehow manage to walk over to Dave, who is also standing next to Kurt. Everyone's eyes are on me.
I put my hand on his arm as he did to me and look up at him. "I'm sorry."
My heart sinks as he walks out of the house and out of the front door. I did that to him. I made him feel that way all because I couldn't give him a chance.
But how could I give him a chance if I'm not even fully over the man that's standing in front of me and making my legs feel like jelly?
"What did you even say?" Krist asks me.
I mess around with my fingers, trying to calm my nerves down. I want to answer, but I don't want to answer in front of Kurt.
"He didn't let me finish my sentence," I reply. "He didn't want to hear the rest, but he got the hint."
"Are you okay?" He asks me.
I look at him like he's an idiot. Why is he asking me if I'm okay? I'm the one that rejected Dave. I'm in the wrong.
"I'm fine," I lie. I'm far from fine. I'm doing worse now that Kurt is standing in front of me.
I've been trying to avoid him this whole time, but I keep looking at him out of my peripheral. Every time I do, I get upset because he's not looking back at me. I want him to notice me.
"What happened?" Kurt finally speaks up for the first time since he's been here.
"Dave thought that he and Kaitlyn went out on a date," Krist says.
My heart stops beating.
I glare at Krist, hurt that he would mention that to Kurt. I didn't want him to know because of our past, first of all. But that's also going to be really embarrassing for Dave now that all of his friends know that he got rejected.
Kurt doesn't respond. He doesn't even have any reaction to it. He just acts like nothing happened. He acts as if he knew all along.
After our last interaction, I can't possibly know what he's thinking right now. I can't tell if he's mad at me, upset with me, or just doesn't even care.
I don't blame him for not caring.
--------------------------------
For the first time in the past three hours, I come out of the guest bedroom-my old room. Nothing has really changed about it since I moved out. It looks the same as when I first moved into there. Then again, I didn't have any decorations to put up.
I've been scared to leave the room due to Kurt being out in the living room. We've barely spoken to each other, but when we have, it's been about Dave.
It's upsetting to know that I've lost Kurt forever. With the way that we've interacted with each other, I don't think that we could ever go back to being just friends. Not only would it be too awkward, but I will always have feelings for Kurt.
There's something about Kurt that is so enticing and I can't move on from him.
I don't even want to.
Just as I walk out of the bedroom, the front door opens and Dave walks through. We make eye contact and my legs turn to jelly.
I can't maintain eye contact with him without feeling terrible, so I look down and walk the opposite way into the kitchen. I lean on the counter, trying to brace myself as I try looking around for something to do, but there is nothing. I just needed to get away from Dave.
It didn't last long, though because before I knew it, Dave approaches me and places his hand on mine. I look up at him and he stares at me, regret in his eyes.
"Kaitlyn," He says softly, then removes his hand. "Can we talk?"
I inhale, but then nod my head. He deserves an answer. "Yeah, that's fine."
He leans against the opposite side of the counter while facing me. "I've been thinking. I know that you don't think of me in a romantic-type of way. But what if we just give it a chance?"
I close my eyes and look up at the ceiling, trying to avoid him. "As much as I want to, I can't, Dave."
"Why not?"
I look at him in the eyes, trying to come up with an answer for him. The truth is that as much as I would love to give him a chance, it wouldn't be fair to him. I still have feelings for Kurt and I have a feeling that those will never go away. Especially now that he's back from his tour.
"Oh," Dave stands up straight. "I know what it is. It's Kurt, isn't it?!"
My eyes widen and I stare at him as my stomach drops from him mentioning Kurt's name.
"I fucking knew it!" He spits and shakes his head at me. "God! Wait, is it just me that you're not giving a chance or is it anyone else too? Because no one compares to Kurt, huh?"
"Alright, that's enough," Krist walks in between us. He places his hand on Dave's back and ushers him out of the room.
I look down at the ground, unable to look at anyone else. Every word that Dave said was true. I just didn't think that anyone else believed it.
I make the decision to rush out into the backyard, away from everyone else. I walk onto the left side of the house near the gate where the trash cans would normally be, but they're on the sidewalk since they're getting taken out in the morning.
I sit down on the ground and begin to hyperventilate, recounting everything that just happened in the kitchen. I hear voices coming from outside, so I assume that it's Krist and Dave.
As soon as I hear a door slam shut and a car driving away, I start to sob. I don't even realize that I have been holding it in the whole time that they've been outside.
I dig my fingernails into my leg to try and stop me from crying, but it doesn't work. I just keep on crying.
It's been a long time since I've cried. I know that I'm letting more things out that I've been keeping in for a long time.
Why would Dave say that, knowing what happened between Kurt and I? Even though he was upset with me, he shouldn't have done that.
I try to think about if there is a possibility that Kurt didn't hear it, but there's no way he didn't. He was sitting right there in the living room.
I bury my face in my hands out of embarrassment.
Then, I hear leaves crunch and the sound of footsteps approaching.
I look up and see him standing right above me.
"Kurt?"