January 15, 1992
Seattle, Washington
The Crocodile Cafe
I walk inside of the cafe after hearing all of the cheers and claps of the audience. I didn't want to go inside of there at the same time that Nirvana was playing-that would make it awkward for everyone.
As soon as I walk inside, I notice how crammed it is. Everyone is still cheering and I look straight ahead and see Dave and Krist walking off of the stage. I sigh in relief, glad I didn't see the other member.
"Kaitlyn!" I hear someone yell my name. I look towards my right, towards the noise. I see Shelli bouncing up and down, waving her hands up in the air.
A smile spreads across my face as soon as I see her. I push past everybody and make it over to her safely. She hugs me as soon as she sees me.
"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!" She exclaims.
It felt that way. I got a different job as a realtor. Surprisingly, they don't need any college education. I've been working there for the past three months. I've been able to afford myself my own condo in Olympia. I haven't had a lot of time to visit Shelli, despite how close she lives to me.
I let go of her and smile. "I know!"
"Okay, listen, I know this might be awkward, so I'll let Krist know to get Kurt out of the room and-"
I zone out after hearing Kurt's name be said. I haven't heard his name in so long. After we broke up, I rarely talked about him. I didn't want to dwell on the past; it was already hard enough as it was and I needed to move on.
I moved out of Krist's and Shelli's house in November, so I haven't heard his name for two months. Sure, I thought about him constantly-more than I should.
I've had no luck in the romance department. I've tried to go out on dates, but I always found myself looking for something in them that reminded me of Kurt. I once when on a date with a man with shoulder-length blond hair just to remind myself of Kurt, but he was completely different. I don't even remember the poor man's name.
"Kaitlyn!" Shelli snaps her fingers in front of my face to grab my attention.
I come back down to Earth. "Sorry, I zoned out."
"I can tell. Are you going to be fine seeing Kurt?"
I contemplate on that. I don't know how I'll react if I see him. "Umm, I'll be fine." I decide that I need to be mature and move on from the situation.
Shelli guides me towards the back of the cafe where everyone is. I try to keep my mind off of Kurt, despite how nervous I am to see him. I think about Krist and how long it's been since I've seen my big brother.
I've seen my mother a couple of times over the past months and we've talked about Krist. She misses him terribly. I've gotten closer with her and we call everyone once in a while. It's nice to have a parent to talk to.
Before I know it, we're right in front of a door and Shelli knocks on it. I get knots in my stomach, just thinking about the thought of Kurt.
We haven't talked to each other since the night we broke up. We've had no reason to.
I do know that Nirvana blew up very quickly. Shelli always talked to me about how surprised Krist was at how successful they were. But, I always went out of my way to ignore it since it would always remind me of Kurt.
I never turned on M.T.V. and I never looked at the magazines. I never even went inside of record shops. In fact, I haven't even listened to music because it always reminded me of Kurt and when he would show me music.
The door opens and Krist appears in the doorway. As soon as he sees Shelli, he gasps and hugs her, lifting her up into the air and kissing her.
I smile, wishing that I had that. But, I knew that I cut things off with Kurt and I didn't deserve to have that. I broke his heart.
When Krist puts Shelli down, he makes eye contact and hugs me tightly. I smile at his touch and sink into his grasp.
"I've missed you!" He exclaims. "God, I haven't seen you in forever!"
I let go of him. "I'm so proud of you!"
"Is that who I think it is?" I hear come from inside of the room. Dave walks out and hugs both Shelli and I. "Hi guys! It's been a while."
Krist and Dave both look exactly the same as last time. Yet my mind still wonders to if Kurt looks the same or not. I know that the only way to find out is if I see him and I'm not ready for that.
"He's not here right now," Krist assures me as if he's reading my mind. "He's out front smoking a cigarette."
I give myself a chance to calm down, not having to be so worked up over something that hasn't even happened yet. "Do you mind if I sit down for a second?"
"Not at all," Dave steps to the side so I walk inside of the tiny room and take a seat on the couch. He sits next to me. "So, how have you been, Kaitlyn?"
"I've been good," I smile. "How have you been?"
"Exhausted," He chuckles. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're doing this well, but holy shit it's been a lot."
"Everyone's talking about you now."
"Yeah, we have jocks at our shows. Jocks, Kaitlyn."
"That's crazy," I imagine jocks rocking out at Dave's concert. "I'm proud of you guys. You guys are doing really well. I can tell."
"Why thank you," He smiles. "How have you been doing...you know with Kurt and everything?"
His name does something to me. My heart skips a beat as soon as I hear his name.
"I've been doing alright," I tell him. "I mean, I've moved on. It's been almost a year and I needed to get over it."
"So you're over him?" He sits up straight and slowly leans in, his eyes lingering on my lips.
But before I can respond, I hear something crash and fall. Dave and I both turn out heads to the noise and see him standing in front of us, his hands in the position of him holding something, but there's nothing in his grasp.
I try to look down at the floor to see what he dropped, but I can't stop looking at him. His beautiful blue eyes, the ones that I haven't seen in so long, staring at me. Those eyes that I never thought that I would see again.
His handsome face, his beautiful body, and his hair. His hair which was once long was now cut just right above his ears. Yet he still looked handsome.
"This isn't what it looks like," Dave quickly clarifies as he notices what Kurt just walked into.
It takes me a second to realize what he's talking about, but then I remember the sight that Kurt walked in on: Dave leaning into me and staring at my lips.
I try to say something, but nothing comes out. I wouldn't even know what to say.
"Hey!" Krist and Shelli appear behind Kurt, as if they attempted to hide Kurt from me.
"You're too late," Dave jokes.
I want to smother Dave's face with a pillow. Nothing that he's saying is helping the situation; if anything, it's only making it worse.
"Hi Kurt," Shelli says softly.
He doesn't even acknowledge her. He's standing in the same position that I've seen him in since he's walked inside of the room. We've both been staring at each other since the second he's walked in.
I told Shelli and Dave that I was over him, but it's taking every fiber in my being to not walk up to him and hug him or kiss him. I thought that I was over him and lost all romantical feelings for him, but there's something about Kurt that I could never not have feelings for him.
"Hi," Kurt finally says and turns around to face Shelli.
A shiver runs down my spine as soon as I hear his voice. His soft voice that I haven't heard in almost a year. I exhale softly, not even realizing that I was holding my breath.
I make a face at Krist, unsure of what to do. I know that I should leave, but part of me also wants to stay just to see where this goes.
After hugging Shelli, Kurt bends over and picks up whatever he dropped on the floor-a bottle of beer.
"How did that break?" Krist asks him.
"I dropped it," Kurt shortly replies, but then turns to face me. "So, Kaitlyn, how have you been? I see you have a type."
"What do you mean?" I furrow my eyebrows, amazed at my own ability to even speak in this moment.
"Your type is obviously men in 'Nirvana'. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your moment with Dave."
"What moment?" Krist and Dave ask in unison.
I furrow my eyebrows at Kurt. "We never had a moment."
"Oh please," Kurt rolls his eyes. "I saw the way you guys were looking at each other before I walked in. I mean, it looked like he was about to kiss you, for Christ's sake."
"I wasn't," Dave grumbles. "I was just talking to her about something."
"We weren't about to kiss," I assure Kurt. I feel bad that the first time I see him since our breakup, he thinks that I'm kissing his bandmate. I would never do that to him, though. Not even if I was in love with Dave.
"Okay, Kaitlyn," He rolls his eyes yet again.
I stand up, not wanting to take any more of this backlash. "I'm going to go back home. I'm exhausted. Bye guys. You guys did a great performance tonight."
I walk past everyone, not saying another word. Kurt and I added a lot of tension to the room.
I immediately felt it left as soon as I left.